The Forum Jokes Thread

[Brush47337]

A news flash on the BBC announced Ireland's worst ever plane crash.

 

A source near the scene reported...

 

" A two seater cessna plane crashed into South Dublin's main cemetery shortly after take off....... Dublin CSI have so far recovered 164 bodies but this total is expected to climb as digging continues well into the night."

[chris p bacon]

Riding on the success of attracting the ryder cup, the Welsh assembly have been debating whether or not to change currency and adopt the Euro.

 

After much deliberation the decision has been made to stick with the Giro for the meantime.

 

Also

 

Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland ,

following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.

[Leicester Thumper]

When do you know there is a drummer at your door?

 

Their knocking gets faster and faster and they don't know when to come in!

 

(badum-tsh )

[Shamouti Ben Yafo]

Two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

 

Budubum - tish!

[Guest Max Stafford]

There's a new diet in Scotland - the Buckfast Diet.

 

I've been on it since Monday and I've already lost four days...

 

Dave.

[Brush47337]

so.......that's..................

 

The ...................The Irish.........The Welsh .......(drummers(?) .........and .......The Scots.....Racialy stereotyped in turn.

 

I started it - so apologies to anyone ofended.

 

Now what about the English........don't want them to feel left out.

 

How about this weeks wee gem from Kevin Bridges.

 

(Train announcements voice) .............." This train will shortly be stopping at Carlisle.........for any passengers wishing to change here for England...........you will be pleased to know there is a JJB sports in the station."

 

sorry

[Guest Max Stafford]

...selling a range of tacky sports wear including stripey trackies, socks for wearing on the outside, Nike baseball hats and ill-fitting Man U tops...

 

Nae offence by the way, I'm from Govan, a quaint fishing village on the Clyde!

 

Dave.

[45156]

Possibly my favourite Barry Cryer joke (who, say the youngsters - ah him, say the oldsters)

A snail was sitting on the lawn reflecting on life, and how lovely it was to be a snail.

The sun was shining, and he was basking in its warming rays, and decided to burst into song....

"Chanson d'Amour" he sang,

and the lawnmower went

"Rat A Tat A Tat"

[Buhar]

Dave goes for a promotion interview, sits in front of the panel and prepares for the the grilling.

 

One of them asks "Comfy?"

 

"Govan."

 

 

[shortliner]

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

 

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

 

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

 

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

 

 

 

[shortliner]

Too good to miss

 

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1317763/Richard-Bensons-new-book-school-childrens-lesson-blunders.html

 

 

 

[Guest Max Stafford]

Dave goes for a promotion interview, sits in front of the panel and prepares for the the grilling.

 

One of them asks "Comfy?"

 

"Govan."

 

True!

Not only that but I was born on the third floor of a tenement block there. My parents had lived on the fourth, but that's another storey...

 

 

Dave.

[Brush47337]

Sorry ..... in advance.....!

 

 

Quick, does anyone know how to undo a bid on ebay??................. I was happily bidding away for a Mickey Mouse Outfit but now it seems Im obligated to buy LFC...

Boom Boom

[Brush47337]

Two jokes (new ones to me anyway) in the same day.

Perhaps the business world is recovering after all.

 

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

 

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I am not giving' him any of mine."

 

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

 

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

 

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

 

First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

 

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

 

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

 

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

 

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure "The big Boy" knows I'M a bull!"..........!

[St. Simon]

Hi,

Just had to put this on here! Sorry it's a bit long

 

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg ..

 

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety

 

lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real

 

examples that have been heard or reported:

 

 

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where

 

you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a

 

flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out

 

furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

 

 

---o0o---

 

 

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot

 

said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be

 

turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance

 

the appearance of your flight attendants."

 

 

----o0o---

 

 

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

 

belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

 

something we'd like to have."

 

----o0o---

 

 

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out

 

of this airplane."

 

 

---o0o---

 

 

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business

 

as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

 

---o0o---

 

 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone

 

voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

 

 

---o0o---

 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a

 

flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening

 

the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as

 

hell everything has shifted."

 

 

---o0o---

 

 

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth ..

 

To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and

 

pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't

 

know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

 

unsupervised."

 

---o0o---

 

 

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend

 

from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your

 

face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask

 

before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one

 

small child, pick your favourite."

 

 

---o0o---

 

 

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but

 

we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,

 

nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

 

----o0o---

 

 

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an

 

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

 

compliments."

 

---o0o---

 

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

 

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

 

attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

 

---o0o---

 

 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is

 

pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in

 

the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

 

 

---o0o---

 

 

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The

 

flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump

 

and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

 

airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight

 

attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

 

---o0o---

 

 

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and

 

bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight

 

it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies

 

and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats

 

with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our

 

airplane to the gate!"

 

---o0o---

 

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

 

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to

 

the terminal."

 

---o0o---

 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

 

his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

 

required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers

 

exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said

 

that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

 

passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

 

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking

 

with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

 

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,

 

"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

 

 

---o0o---

 

 

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on

 

with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain

 

Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt

 

against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning

 

bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way

 

through the wreckage to the terminal.."

 

 

---o0o---

 

 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank

 

you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the

 

insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal

 

tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

 

 

---o0o---

 

 

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,

 

the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light

 

'em, you can smoke 'em."

 

 

---o0o---

 

 

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

 

Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.

 

While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a

cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

:lol: :lol:

 

Simon

 

 

[shortliner]

Painting the Church

 

There was a Scottish painter named Hamish MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

 

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

 

Hamish put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

 

Well, Hamish was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Hamish clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

 

Hamish was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

so he got down on his knees and cried:

 

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

 

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

 

 

 

(you're going to love this)

 

v

 

v

 

v

 

v

 

v

 

v

 

v

 

v

 

 

 

 

"Repaint! Repaint!

And thin no more!"

[St. Simon]

Hi,

 

Another one sent to me just now:

 

NELSON MANDELA

 

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and

drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

 

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

 

'You Sign! You sign!'

 

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

 

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when

the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

 

'You Sign! You sign!'

 

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong

man', and shuts the door in his face.

 

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

 

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a

huge truck of brake pads.

 

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

 

'You sign! You sign!'

 

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he

pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

 

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want

them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

 

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the

afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

 

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

 

'You sign! You sign!'

 

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

 

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks

up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

 

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must

have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'

 

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his

clipboard, and says:

 

 

　

 

(It's a beauty)

 

 

 

 

'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'

 

Simon

 

 

[Sidecar Racer]

This really works.

 

Is your mouse calibrated?

 

You should do this every few days. More often if you spend a lot of time on computer. I was shocked to see that this works!

 

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below. Then drag the Y toward the g. If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.

 

Y ou dumb ass. You'll believe anything

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'M SURE YOU WILL SEND THIS ALONG TO YOUR FRIENDS!

 

 

[Taz]

BREAKING NEWS...

A Lorry carrying Vic's Vaporub has turned over on the M4.

Police say there shouldn't be any congestion in the area for up to 8 hours.....

[Taz]

Paddy and Mick are at the morgue to identify their friend Shamus's body that has been been badly burnt in a fire.

 

Paddy goes first, truns the body over, looks at the bum and says 'That's not shamus!'

 

Mick goes next, turns the body over, looks at the bum and says the same.

 

The Doctor asks 'How do you know it's not him?'

 

Mick says 'Because when we all used to go out together, folk would say 'Here comes Shamus with the two ar*eholes!''

[Taz]

After 30 years of marriage to Florence, Jim the plummer left his wife.

 

The note on the table simply read:

 

 

"It's over Flo"

[John C]

...selling a range of tacky sports wear including stripey trackies, socks for wearing on the outside, Nike baseball hats and ill-fitting Man U tops...

 

Nae offence by the way, I'm from Govan, a quaint fishing village on the Clyde!

 

Dave.

 

 

How the hell can you call Govan quaint, you most have your rose coloured specs on again.

[Nickinwestwales]

A bunch of lucky laddoes win a trip around the British isles by helicopter,they lift off from Gatwick and head north....thick fog descends,the pilot decides it`s safe to continue,-some time later they stop and descend-one of the boys leans out of the door ,gropes around for a bit and announces" We are over Edinburgh"...."How can you tell ? ....I`ve just laid hands on the saltire flying above the castle....the chopper peels away to the left and again,some time later,descends...."where are we ?-Belfast"--How can you tell ?......."The fog cleared for a moment and I could see Stormont"....the chopper heads south and again descends through the murk ..."We are over Milford Haven"...How can you tell.."Some ###### just pinched my watch"

 

Thank you and goodnight-

 

 

ATB

 

Nick

Edited October 17, 2010 by Andy Y
One joke removed

[DonB]

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!

 

 

=================================

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============

 

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

===============

 

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

 

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and.

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

 

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =

 

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?

Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.

===============

 

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

===============

 

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer:! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

 

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

===============

 

Customer: can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

===============

 

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

 

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

 

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

 

 

 

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, hi. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

 

And last but not least...

 

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

[Horsetan]

Q: What is the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

 

A: One's a marsupial. The other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.