The Forum Jokes Thread

[Andy L]

Here's a few that a friend sent me. Enjoy

 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year

old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars

Bar and to tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

 

 

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

 

 

'An ambulance just drove by!'

 

 

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

 

 

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

 

 

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

 

 

'Jason is on his skate board!'

 

 

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'

 

 

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,

'How do you know they're shagging?'

 

 

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

 

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

 

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

 

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

 

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

 

Some old men can still think fast.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

1 Box Donation

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his

priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

 

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

 

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but

then I stopped."

 

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's

and put $50 in the poor box."

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then

walked over to the poor box.

 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw

that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

 

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and

according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

2 Lemon Squeeze

 

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon

entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have

sinned."

 

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

 

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate

love to me seven times."

 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven

lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

 

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

 

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

3 Looks of Disappointment

 

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife

was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're

beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

 

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his

side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're

cute."

 

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now

"cute."

 

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

 

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

4 Catholic Dog

 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for

company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and

asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor

creature?"

 

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for

an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and

there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the

creature."

 

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is

enough to donate to them for the service?"

 

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't

ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

5 Donation

 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

 

"It is!"

 

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

 

"I can!"

 

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

 

"I do!"

 

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

 

"He is!"

 

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

 

"He will."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

6 Confession

 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation

ensues:

 

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two

college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of

them three times."

 

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

 

Man: "What sins?"

 

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

 

Man: "I'm Jewish."

 

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

 

Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

7 Brothel Trip

 

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like

a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks

how old he is.

 

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

 

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

 

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

8 Senility

 

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm

getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

 

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you

forget to zip down."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

9 Pest Control

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a

pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom

together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

 

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she

pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the

bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

 

"Who are you?" he asked him.

 

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

 

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

 

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

 

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

 

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little so and sos!"

 

Edited October 24, 2010 by Andy L

[DonB]

Life in the Australian Army...

 

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

 

 

Dear Mum & Dad,

 

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

 

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's backside and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

 

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

 

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

 

Your loving daughter,

 

Susan

[shortliner]

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body

scanners at the airports:

 

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step

into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive

device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be

contained within the sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone.

 

There would be none of this cr@p about racial profiling and the device

would eliminate long and expensive trials.

 

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now:

 

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

 

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA

system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat

available on flight number.................................."

[St. Simon]

Hi,

 

Another one I got sent, I don't really like it because I used to have a Blonde Girlfriend, so I thought you guys might like it:

 

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

 

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,

 

"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

 

The blondes all nodded.

 

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,

 

"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

 

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

 

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

 

"Now,"

 

he said,

 

"did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

 

The blonde immediately said,

 

"Yes, I did He has only one eye!"

 

The detective shook his head and said,

 

"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!

It's a profile of his face!

 

You're dismissed!"

 

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

 

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,

 

"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

 

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

 

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,

 

"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?

 

This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!

 

You're excused too!"

 

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

 

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,

 

"This is probably a waste of time, but...."

 

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,

 

"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"

 

The blonde said,

 

"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

 

" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

 

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right!

 

His bio says he wears contacts!

 

How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

 

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

 

"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only

One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

 

Simon

 

 

[KevinWalsh]

A little cracker IMHO :-

 

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

 

While attending a Marriage Guidance Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet,

listened to the instructor declare,

 

'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are

important to each other.'

 

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's

favourite flower?'

 

Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently, and whispered,

'Homepride, isn't it ?'

 

And thus began Ken’s life of celibacy.

 

 

 

Kev

[bcnPete]

One from my wife...apologies if its been on here before...

 

 

 

A man was lying in bed with his wife when suddenly he asked her:

 

"So how many men did you sleep with before you met me?"

 

His wife is silent

 

Clearly irritated, he asks "Did you hear me?"

 

His wife is silent

 

Irritated once more, he asks "Are you asleep?"

 

His wife replies...."sschhh....I'm counting"...

[pH]

Did you hear about the prison officer, drinking in a pub, who got into an argument with another patron, head-butted him, then fled? Or as the headline on the newspaper story reporting on the subsequent court case had it - 'Screw Nuts and Bolts'.

[Guest dilbert]

Dennis always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

 

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Dennis could find no hope in it.

 

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Dennis, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

 

"That's awful," said Dennis, "But it could have been worse."

 

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

 

"Well," replied Dennis, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

[Guest dilbert]

Ethel is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water.

 

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

 

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

 

As Ethel finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

 

Ethel says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water.

 

"Coming up," says the bartender.

 

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

 

Again Ethel says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."

 

"Coming' right up," the bartender says.

 

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

 

Ethel replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

[Guest dilbert]

A guy is stopped by a police woman.

 

PW “ are you aware that you were speeding ? 80mph in a 50mph zoneâ€

 

Guy “ I was not aware of thatâ€

 

PW “driver's license and registration pleaseâ€

 

Guy†don’t have a license, I lost it because of drunk drivingâ€

 

PW “what about the registrationâ€

 

Guy “this is a stolen car there is no registrationâ€

 

PW gets upset “look in the glove compartmentâ€

 

Guy “ can’t do that, there’s a gun in thereâ€

 

PW pulls her gun “put your hands where I can see them, step out of the car and open the trunkâ€

 

Guy “can’t do that, there’s the body of the car’s owner insideâ€

 

PW gets real nervous, cuffs the guy and calls in for support

 

After a while the swat team arrives. The PW tells the story to the swat captain

 

The swat captain confronts the guy with the story.

 

SC “so you have no license?â€

 

Guy shows his license

 

SC “what about the registrationâ€

 

Guy opens the glove compartment and pulls out the registration, no gun inside

 

SC is surprised “please open the trunkâ€

 

Guy opens the trunk,, emptyâ€

 

SC “the PW said you have no driver’s license, no registration, a gun in the glove compartment and a dead body in the trunk.

 

...

 

Guy shakes his head and says “yeah and next she’ll say that I was speedingâ€

[34theletterbetweenB&D]

We were all deeply shocked when Dave fell overboard on holiday and drowned.

As a group of friends we decided that the funeral wreath should be in the form of a lifebelt.

We are certain it is what he really wanted...

[shortliner]

http://tv.muxlim.com/video/oQK13UM3YzI/hold-your-plums-wasy-question-about-left-hand-drive/

[bcnPete]

An old lady takes her pet Duck to the vet as she is worried about its health and lack of movement.

 

The Vet places it upon the table, undergoes a series of tests and then informs her that unfortunately the Duck is dead.

 

The old lady is distraught and cannot believe it so asks for further tests to check.

 

The vet opens the door and a Labrador walks in, jumps on the table and looks thoroughly over the duck then rolls his eyes sadly.

 

Next, a cat enters, jumps on the table and sniffs the duck all over its body, then looks up with a sad expression.

 

The Vet confirms to the lady that the duck is definately dead.

 

Sadly, she asks for the bill and gathers her belongings.

 

The Vet tables a bill for £150.

 

The old lady is shocked and asks " I thought you normally only charge £25?"

 

The vet replies...."normally yes....but you asked for the LAB report and the CAT scan"

 

 

 

...hat...coat...duck

[Chris116]

...hat...coat...duck

surely that should be:-

...dog....cat....duck!!!!!

 

Chris

[shortliner]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went byloaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win der lottery'

'What's dat, says his mate.

 

 

'Send me lawn away to be cut'.

[shortliner]

BLONDES

 

 

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed

listening to the next door neighbor's dog..

It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,

"I've had enough of this".

She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed

and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,

what have you been doing?"

The blonde says,

"I put the dog in our backyard,

let's see how THEY like it!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Two Blondes With Hammers...

 

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work

on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Lynn was nailing down house siding,

would reach into her nail

pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it

over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '

Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,

about half of them have the head on the wrong end

& I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset & yelled,

'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!

They're for the other side of the house!' +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes

who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



You might have to think twice about this one.



A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip

of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency

room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting

off your finger?'

'No, slly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &

then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00

to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a

loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the

trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad

hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it

To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he

decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the

tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started

blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little

harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first

blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the

tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!

You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!



A blonde was shopping at Target &

came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took

it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....

It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'

So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.

'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things

cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied.....

'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

+++++++++++++



AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST



A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies,

'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that

my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,

'Why don't you go home for the

day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.

I need to keep my mind off it &

I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.

A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.

He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde.

'I just received a horrible call from my

sister. Her mother died, too!'

[Guest dilbert]

Testicle Therapy

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

 

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied.

 

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

 

"Feels great" he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken!".

[DonB]

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

 

 

 

 

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says: "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.

She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says:

"You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find."

[DonB]

Four married guys go golfing.

 

 

At the 4th hole the following conversation takes place:

First guy:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy:

"That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I' d build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy:

"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'd remodel the kitchen for her."

 

 

They continue to play the hole when they realise that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask : "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

 

 

Fourth guy:

"I just set my alarm for 5.30 am... when it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the backside and said: "Golf course or intercourse?"

She said: "Wear sun block."

[DonB]

Genuine complaints from UK Council House Occupiers.

(UK Govt-supplied Housing)

 

 

 

These are all genuine clips from Council complaint letters:

 

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

 

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

 

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

 

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

 

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

 

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

 

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

 

8. I am writing

on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

 

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

 

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

 

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

 

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

 

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

 

14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.

 

 

A Spot of British Humor

As reported in the newpaper...

 

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

 

(The Daily Telegraph)

 

_____

 

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

 

(The Guardian)

 

_____

 

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

 

( Aberdeen Evening Express)A

 

_____

 

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

 

( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

 

____

 

A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their

 

passengers...

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

____

 

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

_____

 

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."

_____

 

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

 

_____

[Guest dilbert]

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

 

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

 

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.

 

The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant’s trunk into his 'old fella'.

 

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear.

 

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

 

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

 

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

 

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

 

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my *rse'.

[M Graff]

The couple had gone to bed and as they laid there; the husband let off a loud fart!

And immediately he shouted:

- 1-0!

 

The wife said:

-What was that?

 

The husband replied:

-It´s a game I invented, bed-football! One fart is one goal, and I´m in the lead.

 

The wife said:

-That´s disgusting!

But then she thought that this could be a bit fun, so she ripped a good one and a few seconds later a big one as an encore, and shouted:

-2-1! I´m in the lead!

 

The husband was really surprised at the response, but thought that he couldn´t be out.farted by a woman. So he tried to get one more out of his system.

As he was trying, he pressed a little bit too hard and ripped a major wet fart that had the unmistakenly sound of soiling the sheets!

 

The wife shouted to him:

-What in the world was that!!

 

He calmly replied:

Half time signal! It´s time to swap sides!

[Minster]

Men in their twenties like to play football.

 

Men in their thirties like to play cricket.

 

Men in their forties like to play snooker.

 

Men in their fifties like to play golf.

 

Have you noticed as men get older, their balls get smaller!

[St. Simon]

Remember, it takes a university degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had a fatal accident.

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order..

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny..

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious..

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

And lets save the best one for last..................

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

Simon

 

 

[Guest Dave.C]

I was on my way home at midnight when I was was stopped by the police asked where I was going.

 

"I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."

 

The officer asked, "Really, and who is going to give this lecture at this time of night?"

 

"My wife"