Bernard Lamb Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 God had almost finished creating the world. He had a last thought that he could make a country that was so much more beautiful than any that he had created before. He made mountains rising straight from the sea. He made glens between them with lochs full of salmon and trout. He covered the mountains in heather. He provided red deer to give the inhabitants food. He called to his son to approve of his work. His son said "Have you been too generous, could you not provide one bad point?" God replied "Wait until you see the neighbours." Bernard Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Just had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.We were chatting about our relationships and decided to surprise our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.Here's how it all went.........The engaged friend:The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.The mistress:Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.My story:When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,..........." What's for dinner, Zorro?" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 God had almost finished creating the world. He had a last thought that he could make a country that was so much more beautiful than any that he had created before. He made mountains rising straight from the sea. He made glens between them with lochs full of salmon and trout. He covered the mountains in heather. He provided red deer to give the inhabitants food. He called to his son to approve of his work. His son said "Have you been too generous, could you not provide one bad point?" God replied "Wait until you see the neighbours." Bernard Or as its been told across the pond for many years: On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the a*sshole neighbours I am going to give them." 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
davefromacrossthepond Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 "Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the a*sshole neighbours I am going to give them." Love it! And I'm one of those neighbors. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 So I was at the mother in laws funeral yesterday and it was a total yawn fest. So I says to the priest "any chance of the Wi-Fi code mate". He's says in a right tone "have some respect for the dead" so sensing I'd upset him I replied "is that all lower case"? 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bernard Lamb Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 A young lad came home from school in Edinburgh and told his mother that he had a part in the school play. What part have you got? enquired his mother. I am playing John, who is the husband of a woman from Glasgow. WHAT! screamed his mother. Go in tomorrow and tell them that you want a speaking part. Bernard 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Husband and wife on an evening out in a bar - Wife - Do you see the drunk man over there? Husband - Yes - who is he? Wife - 10 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down Husband - Oh my God, he's still celebrating! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted November 8, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 8, 2017 From Facebook FB_IMG_1509298073957.jpg I'm not greedy, a combination of both will do me: https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61fJum27mML._UX385_.jpg Mike. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 God had almost finished creating the world. He had a last thought that he could make a country that was so much more beautiful than any that he had created before.... ....God replied "Wait until you see the neighbours." Or as its been told across the pond for many years: On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty.... ...."Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the a*sshole neighbours I am going to give them." Another repeat job That's four, including the first sighting. One more, and it scores a - Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Husband and wife on an evening out in a bar -[/size] Wife - Do you see the drunk man over there? Husband - Yes - who is he? Wife - 10 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down Husband - Oh my God, he's still celebrating! A story told about Ed Schreyer, at the time the Premier of the Canadian province of Manitoba, and his wife Lily: On a visit to a very rural area of the province (i.e. 'the boonies'), the government car pulled into a gas station. Lily said "See that attendant pumping gas at that pump over there? We dated in our teens, he proposed, and I turned him down." Ed, wishing to gloat a bit, asked "Where do you think you'd be today if you had accepted?" Said Lily "Today I would be the wife of the Premier of Manitoba." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 My girlfriend just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner trying to sell her dog. Look at the picture of this lovable Chinese Mastiff and then read the sales pitch below. Dog For Sale. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro any more, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name, Ho Lee Schitt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 (edited) Given the current troubles with the government, I think it is time to update a very old joke, by changing MFI to IKEA. Q. What is the similarity between IKEA and Her Majesty's Government?A. One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart. Edited November 9, 2017 by Jamiel Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 We’re so Priti, oh so Priti vacant ... My job is vacant... think mr lydon would approve 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted November 9, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 9, 2017 Hi again, New government anthem: "Anarchy in the UK" With apologies to MR. ROTTEN. Regards, Alex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giz Puk Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 trawling You Tube last night i came across a cover version of 'Sympathy for the Devil' which someone had done for Donald Trump........ I'd recommend it as being funny if it wasn't that scary in reality... particularly when he's seen nodding along to it!!!!!!!!!! Does anyone else wish we still had those treasures such as Kenny Everett and Spitting Image? Yours Aye, Giz 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giz Puk Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 Shouldn't Theresa Mays' next election tune be The Beatles 'Help'??? All together now.... HELP... I need somebody,HELP!!!!.... give me anybody!!!!!!!!!!! Yours Aye, Giz Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 NORTH KOREA TO SEND MAN TO THE SUN BY 2028 Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years! Reporter - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on it?" There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause Donald Trump heard what Kim had said and sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!" And his people responded with thunderous applause Brit15 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted November 10, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 10, 2017 (edited) Hi everyone, If Chantelle, famous for being .... erm .... famous is right, then there may be an easier and safer way to the sun! Just watch Bill Bailey on the stupidity of famous folk - worth watching all the way through but, in light of the comments on trips to the sun, watch from about the 2min mark. Enjoy! Regards, Alex. Edited November 10, 2017 by Alex TM 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giz Puk Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Wasn't it fortunate that the Halloween Ball in the House of Commons was two weeks ago and not this weekend. Had it been, the PM would have needed to get skeleton costumes for herself and her front bench..... because if any more resign she'll have no-body to go with. BOOM BOOM!!!!!!!! Yours Aye, giz (Who let that bloody fox back in????) 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 NORTH KOREA TO SEND MAN TO THE SUN BY 2028 Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years! Reporter - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on it?" There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause Donald Trump heard what Kim had said and sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!" And his people responded with thunderous applause Brit15 Well, if nothing else, when it comes to jokes, Kim and Donald take a lot of the pressure off the Irish... 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giz Puk Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 T Well, if nothing else, when it comes to jokes, Kim and Donald take a lot of the pressure off the Irish... Talking of the Irish, get onto you tube and watch the Spike Milligan sketch about the Irish astronauts..... I know its from a different era when things didn't have to be PC.... but my colostomy bay split half way through I was laughing so much.... The only consolation was when the wife said 'That's it you're in the S*** now', I started laughing again and had a little dribble too!!!! NO... down my chin Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giz Puk Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 NORTH KOREA TO SEND MAN TO THE SUN BY 2028 Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years! Reporter - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on it?" There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause Donald Trump heard what Kim had said and sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!" And his people responded with thunderous applause Brit15 my mate Denzil Pendragon says the only bit of the sun he thought was hot was that there Linda Lusardi on page 3 cos she's proper hot and if she wanted him to land on her at night he be straight round there.............DIRECTLY!!!!!! (note: for those not familiar with west country terminology.... it means shes scrum diddly in Somerset and Well Sic for all you cosmopolitans up there in LA LA Land. Personally I'd rather be down 'ere in BAA BAA Land aaargh innum, aint that right Taffy boy. Proper Job. Yours Aye, Giz Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giz Puk Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 My foreign pen-pal mate Denzil he do live abroad down in Kernow. I know tis abroad cos you do have to cross over that there bit of water called the Tamar. It's like the English channel but not as wide and it do still have a ferry to get across just like them gurt big P+O ones I done see at Dover on his TV. It's real true you know cos it's in colour n'all... tis so. Anyways he's dead posh cos he married his cousin.... an she wern't even pregnant.....now that is posh innum. He did say that them there filo pastry scientists or filosiphers wot do think a lot, now know that a snails shell is aerodynamic............... if it wasn't they'd be sluggish. Yours Aye, Giz Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giz Puk Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Now I'm not suggesting my missus ain't a looker............. but this week 'Frankie' went for a job in Hollywood after mistaking it for the one in the local gazette (Hollywood Bowl it should have been!!). Anyways no sooner had she got there for the interview and got comfortable on the casting couch with the old Weinstien........ than he starts claiming that she touched him and he wants damages!!!! Pity the ticket wasn't one-way as she'll be coming back now to try for a job with that Paul Hollywood...... I bet he don't like her cooking neither....So she'll get voted off straight away. Yours Aye, Giz Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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