The Forum Jokes Thread

[Compound2632]

Nah, that was Pot Black: "for those watching in black and white, the green is to the left of the pink."

Edited April 1, 2020 by Compound2632

[APOLLO]

Eddie waring - rugby league commentator

 

Bramley v Whitehaven 1968 ish

November, about 8.30 pm

Floodlit match

 

`Well as you can see its about half time and the shadows are lengthening`

 

Brit 15

[The Johnster]

On 31/03/2020 at 23:38, newbryford said:

Every time it's a bit windy, the ones in our street gather at the end of it for a party; at least I assume it's a party from the drunken fallen over wheelies the following morning.  It's like the aftermath of the Somme down there sometimes...

[The Johnster]

7 hours ago, APOLLO said:

Eddie waring - rugby league commentator

 

Bramley v Whitehaven 1968 ish

November, about 8.30 pm

Floodlit match

 

`Well as you can see its about half time and the shadows are lengthening`

 

 

 

Peter West - rugby union commentator; 'and the referee's just blown up in the middle of the field...'.

 

Drunk, and forgetting to be impartial in a Calcutta Cup match; 'and the b*stards are coming at us again'.  IIRC he was relegated to It's A Knockout after that one...

Edited April 2, 2020 by The Johnster

[gordon s]

One for the golfers amongst us......

 

 

[PhilJ W]

What do you do during lockdown when you like to go to the pub for a pint and play the fruit machine?

 

[Compound2632]

Presumably you can't go until you've had a payout.

Edited April 2, 2020 by Compound2632

[PhilJ W]

[Colin_McLeod]

The Diagonal Steam-Trap

By Crawford Howard 

 

Location Harland & Wolff shipyard, Belfast.

 

 

Now they built a big ship down in Harland’s

She was made for to sell to the Turks

And they called on the Yard’s chief designer

To design all the engines and works.

 

Now finally the engines was ready

And they screwed in the very last part

An’ yer man says “Let’s see how she runs, lads!”

An’ bejasus! the thing wouldn’t start!

 

So they pushed and they worked an’ they footered

An’ the engineers’ faces got red

The designer he stood lookin’ stupid

An’ scratchin’ the back o’ his head.

 

But while they were fiddlin’ and workin’

Up danders oul’ Jimmie Dalzell

He had worked twenty years in the `Island’

And ten in the `aircraft’ as well.

 

So he pushed and he worked and he muttered

Till he got himself through to the front

And he has a good look roun’ the engine

An’ he gives a few mutters and grunts,

 

And then he looks up at the gaffer

An’ says he “Mr Smith, d’ye know?

They’ve left out the Diagonal Steam Trap!

How the hell d’ye think it could go?”

 

Now the engineer eyed the designer

The designer he looks at the `hat’

And they whispered the one to the other

“Diagonal Steam Trap? What’s that?”

 

But the Gaffer, he wouldn’t admit, like

To not knowin’ what this was about,

So he says “Right enough, we were stupid!

The Diagonal Steam Trap’s left out!”

 

Now in the meantime oul’ Jimmie had scarpered

Away down to throw in his boord

And the Gaffer comes up and says “Jimmy!

D’ye think we could have a wee word.”

 

“Ye see that Diagonal Steam Trap?

I know it’s left out - it’s bad luck

But the engine shop’s terrible busy

D’ye think ye could knock us one up?”

 

Now, oul’ Jimmy was laughin’ his scone off

He had made it all up for a gag

He’d seen what was stoppin’ the engine

The feed-pipe was blocked with a rag!

 

But he sticks the oul’ hands in the pockets

An’ he says “Aye, I’ll give yez a han’!

I’ll knock yes one up in the mornin’

An’ the whole bloody thing will be grand!”

 

So oul’ Jim starts to work the next morning

To make what he called a Steam Trap,

An oul’ box an’ a few bits of tubing

An’ a steam gauge stuck up on the top.

 

An’ he welds it all on to the engine

And he says to the wonderin’ mob

“As long as that gauge is at zero

The Steam Trap is doin’ its job!”

 

Then he pulls the rag outa the feed pipe

An’ he gives the oul’ engine a try

An’ bejasus! she goes like the clappers

An’ oul’ Jimmy remarks “That’s her nye!”

 

Now the ship was the fastest seen ever

So they sent her away to the Turks

But they toul’ them “That Steam Trap’s a secret!

We’re the only ones knows how it works!”

 

But the Turks they could not keep their mouths shut

An’ soon the whole story got roun’

An’ the Russians got quite interested...

Them boys has their ears to the groun’!

 

So they sent a spy dressed as a sailor

To take photies of Jimmy’s Steam Trap

And they got them all back to the Kremlin

An’ they stood round to look at the snaps.

 

Then the head spy says, “Mr Kosygin!

I’m damned if I see how that works!”

So they sent him straight off to Siberia

An’ they bought the whole ship from the Turks!

 

When they found the Steam Trap was a `cod’, like,

They couldn’t admit they’d been had

So they built a big factory in Moscow

To start makin’ Steam Traps like mad!

 

Then Kosygin rings up Mr Nixon

And he says “Youse’uns thinks yez are great!

But wi’ our big new Russian-made Steam Trap

Yez’ll find that we’ve got yez all bate!”

 

Now oul’ Nixon, he nearly went `harpic’

So he thought he’d give Harland’s a call

And he dialled the engine-shop number

And of course he got sweet all!

 

But at last the call came through to Jimmy

In the midst of a terrible hush,

“There’s a call for you here, from the White House!”

Says oul’ Jim, “That’s a big shop in Portrush!”

 

There’s a factory outside of Seattle

Where they’re turnin’ out Steam Traps like Hell

It employs twenty-five thousand workers

And the head of it ... Jimmy Dalzell!

 

[The Johnster]

Now, I know from the context that that's s'posed to be orated in a Norn Iron accent, but I can't help thinking of Albert and the Lion.

[leopardml2341]

[gordon s]

The perfect jogging accessory.....

 

 

Edited April 3, 2020 by gordon s

[PhilJ W]

[BoD]

Tomorrow you are all asked to go to your doors and applaud to show your support for delivery drivers.

This is expected to happen sometime between nine and five.

[jcredfer]

24 minutes ago, BoD said:

Tomorrow you are all asked to go to your doors and applaud to show your support for delivery drivers.

This is expected to happen sometime between nine and five.

 

I know I clicked the Funny button, as these folks are not quite in the same arena as the Health and related Services, but they do provide a genuine service, which is important, particularly in the circumstances.  Many have been reported as being more than just the delivery van and good for them.  In it's own right, those people who have gone that extra bit to support those they deliver to, deserve appreciation, as well.  A real smile at the door, when the delivery arrives and a friendly comment, might make their day a little less like an endless race.

 

Julian

 

[BoD]

9 minutes ago, jcredfer said:

 

I know I clicked the Funny button, as these folks are not quite in the same arena as the Health and related Services, but they do provide a genuine service, which is important, particularly in the circumstances.  Many have been reported as being more than just the delivery van and good for them.  In it's own right, those people who have gone that extra bit to support those they deliver to, deserve appreciation, as well.  A real smile at the door, when the delivery arrives and a friendly comment, might make their day a little less like an endless race.

 

Julian

 

i agree totally and did wonder about posting.  
Then, I thought if you can’t laugh about it you would cry.

Respect to all of those doing their bit.

[Edley]

 Someone said we live in difficult times. As a musician I said "yes 5/8 and 7/8 although Dave Brubeck got us used to 5/4 and 9/8.

 

 And  a Chinese drug addict came up to me and said" have you seen my cocaine?"

 I said " not since he starred in Zulu"

[Welly]

[jcredfer]

So Sad to Report

 

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local businesses around our local area. The bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the launderette has been taken to the cleaners!

 

Julian

 

[jcm@gwr]

2 hours ago, jcredfer said:

So Sad to Report

 

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local businesses around our local area. The bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the launderette has been taken to the cleaners!

 

Julian

 

 

And now the roller blind shop has shut,

it's curtains for us all.

[Ian J.]

The bathroom shop has thrown in the towel, and the garden centre has thrown in the trowel...

[Gareth 73]

15 minutes ago, jcm@gwr said:

 

And now the roller blind shop has shut,

it's curtains for us all.

At least the flower shop should come up smelling of roses

[The Johnster]

 But the hairdressers might not survive the cuts.  The woodcutters have just been carved up...

[Kylestrome]

The massage parlour has gone belly up. The chip shop has had its chips. The railways can see no light at the end of the tunnel. The electrical shop is having a shocking time. 

 

It's not all bad though. For the fish shop things are getting batter.

Edited April 4, 2020 by Kylestrome

[Ian J.]

The waxing salon is managing on the bare essentials...