Hroth Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 27 minutes ago, Obi-Jiff Kenobi said: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A woolly jumper. Not a groan, just a sigh... Sounds like an abandoned Christmas Cracker joke! 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 10 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 10 50 minutes ago, Obi-Jiff Kenobi said: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A woolly jumper. 22 minutes ago, Hroth said: Not a groan, just a sigh... Sounds like an abandoned Christmas Cracker joke! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 Who is a penguin's favourite family member? Aunt Arctica! 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 I just phoned a model railway helpline and said: "Can you help me, please? I'm a rubbish modeller. I'm trying to build a layout and I keep dropping track all over the place." The man on the other end said: "Can you hold the line?" I said: "No. That's the problem." 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obi-Jiff Kenobi Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 I saw my doctor the other day, and said to him “I’m having real difficulty losing weight. Can you suggest anything?” He replied “Don’t eat anything fatty.” ”What, like chips, pies, that sort of thing?” I queried. ”No,” he said, “don’t eat anything, fatty!” 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 Was Gary Delaney on by any chance? 😛 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
aardvark Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 The biggest joke on mankind is that computers now ask humans to prove they aren’t a robot. 7 4 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 8 hours ago, aardvark said: The biggest joke on mankind is that computers now ask humans to prove they aren’t a robot. That's why you need a dog! I've seen The Terminator.... 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obi-Jiff Kenobi Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 Uzi nine millimetaaa! Assholeeee! 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 12 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 12 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 12 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 12 2 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 12 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 12 1 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorness Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 1 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 (edited) A friend of mine has an old MG sports car, but he's thinking about swapping it for something more practical, as his wife, who's 8 months pregnant, has difficulty getting in and out of it. He said to me: "I can't think of anything more difficult than getting a pregnant woman in an MG." I replied: "Getting a woman pregnant in an MG." Edited February 12 by CameronL Typo 1 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 43 minutes ago, CameronL said: A friend of mine has an old MG sports car, but he's thinking about swapping it for something more practical, as his wife, who's 8 months pregnant, has difficulty getting in and out of it. He said to me: "I can't think of anything more difficult than getting a pregnant woman in an MG." I replied: "Getting a woman pregnant in an MG." More difficult?? Not at all and lots of fun..... 😃 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 21 minutes ago, jcredfer said: More difficult?? Not at all and lots of fun..... 😃 Then maybe The Lotus Position isn't just for people who do yoga... 1 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hroth Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 9 hours ago, CameronL said: A friend of mine has an old MG sports car, but he's thinking about swapping it for something more practical, as his wife, who's 8 months pregnant, has difficulty getting in and out of it. He said to me: "I can't think of anything more difficult than getting a pregnant woman in an MG." I replied: "Getting a woman pregnant in an MG." 7 hours ago, CameronL said: Then maybe The Lotus Position isn't just for people who do yoga... Not so much the Lotus position, which is a completely different make of car, though equally miniscule. However a form of applied origami might be fruitful! 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 2 hours ago, Hroth said: Not so much the Lotus position, which is a completely different make of car, though equally miniscule. However a form of applied origami might be fruitful! I used to know a man, very senior in the IT industry, who practised Corporate Origami. Make him CEO of a company and he could fold it easily. 1 1 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Dunsignalling Posted February 13 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 13 (edited) 12 hours ago, jcredfer said: More difficult?? Not at all and lots of fun..... 😃 Not necessarily, there was a case some years back of a couple coupling in a MGB GT when the male partner expired from his exertions. In order to extract the corpse and release the other party, who was fast becoming hysterical, the fire service had to cut the roof off. Apparently, the lady had some explaining to do as to how her husband's pride and joy had become a roadster-pickup.... John Edited February 13 by Dunsignalling 1 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 (edited) An old one, but a goodie... Two Scotsmen, Wullie and Tam, decided to go and see Scotland play Italy in Rome. As they'd never seen the city, they decided to fly over a couple of days early and play the tourist before the match. So, they arrived in Rome, checked in, and went off to see the sights. Their first stop was the Vatican. They were very impressed with the place, especially when the Pope appeared on a balcony and waved to the crowd. Anyway, after a day's sightseeing, Tam said to Wullie: "See me, Wullie, Ah'm drooth. Let's go and hae a swally." (I'm thirsty, let's go for a drink." "Right enough," replied Wullie. "Let's find oorsels a wee bar." So, they found a bar, and Tam walked up to the barman and said: "Howzit gaun, China? Can we have twa pints o' heavy, please?" The barman looked puzzled. "I'm sorry," he replied. "I not know whatta de Heavy is." "Ye dinna ken whit Heavy is?" replied Tam. "Whit kind o' bar is this? Heavy is beer." The barman's face brightened. "Ohhhh. We have da beer," he replied. "We have da Peroni and da Moretti and..." "Haud on a minute, pal," said Tam. "Yoor bum's oot the windae if you think Ah'm drinkin' thon pish. We want some proper beer." "Sorry, is all we have," the barman replied, looking increasingly worried. Wullie could see that Tam was about to lose his temper, so he said: "Hang on a minute. We only got tae Rome today. We dinna ken whit goes on in this toon. Tell ye whit, we went and saw ra Vatican today. Nice we hoose yer Pope's got there. He even cam oot on ra balcony and waved at us, so he did. Nice wee man, yer Pope. Whit does he have when he wants a swally?" The barman looked relieved. "Oh, he drinks the creme de menthe," he replied. "Gie us twa pints o' that, then," Wullie said. The barman, just wanting to keep these two Scots lunatics happy, served them as requested. A little confusion over exchange rates and the ease of contactless payment meant that neither realised what they were actually paying for their drinks. So, Wullie and Tam spent the evening drinking pints of creme de menthe. Next morning they slowly woke up in their hotel room. "Tam?" Wullie groaned. "Hoo are you this mornin'?" "Weel, ma heid's bangin'" Tam replied. "And ma mooth tastes like a wee furry beastie crawled in it and died - aboot a fortnight ago." "Mine too," said Wullie. "And ah feel like ah'm wearin' a balaclava." "Whit's so bad aboot wearin' a balaclava?" Tam asked. "This wan's inside ma skull. De ye really think that creme de menthe stuff is whit the Pope drinks?" "That's whit yer barman said," replied Tam. "Oh," Wullie said. "Well, it's nae wonder they carry him roond in a chair." Edited February 13 by CameronL Typo 3 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post KeithMacdonald Posted February 13 Popular Post Share Posted February 13 There's an old man walking along the street at two in the morning. He's stumbling a bit and holding a glass. So the police stop him and ask him where he's going. 'To a lecture.' 'At two in the morning?' asks the policeman. 'What's the lecture on?' 'Smoking and drinking,' the old man says. 'Who's giving it?' 'My wife.' 2 2 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIK Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 My wife said she would like to dress well. So I gave her some flowers and pushed her in. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted February 13 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 13 On 10/02/2024 at 15:12, CameronL said: I just phoned a model railway helpline and said: "Can you help me, please? I'm a rubbish modeller. I'm trying to build a layout and I keep dropping track all over the place." The man on the other end said: "Can you hold the line?" I said: "No. That's the problem." I once phoned Gamblers’ Anonymous and they said ‘Would you like to hold’. 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIK Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 (edited) I tried to be a top snooker player but I didn't get the breaks. Edited February 13 by NIK 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIK Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 I tried to be a cocktail maker but I was no great shakes. 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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