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" The Shredder " A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy." Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

I'll probably get booted off the forum for this: (to the tune of 'God Save the Queen/King') God save our biscuit tin, Don't let the rats get in, God save our tin. If they do get in, Throw the ratsack in. Just to save our biscuit tin, God save our tin! Matt.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary. How does your garden grow? Up stupid! The night was dark and stormy, the dunny light was dim. I heard a crash and then a splash, 'By gosh! He's fallen in! Good King Wenceslas went to town, in a Mini Minor. Crashed into an atom bomb and ended up in China! We three Kings of Orient are, one in a taxi, one in a car. One on a scooter, blowing a hooter, following yonder car. Of all the birds I'd like to be, I'd like to be a sparra. So I can sit on the Princess Bridge and help to fill the Yarra! Spring is srung, the grass is rizz. I wonder where the birdie is? They say the bird is on the wing, but I say the wing is on the bird! They speak of the state of the weather. They tell of the birds that sing. But to sit down quick on a red hot brick is the sign of an early spring! Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King's horses and all the King's men, had omlettes for breakfast! Matt.

7 reasons not to mess with children. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". 　 　 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." 　 　 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." 　 　 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" 　 　 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead." 　 　 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am stand ing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." 　 　 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. Matt.

Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead. Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? A: Because it was stapled to the first koala. Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? A: He thought it was a game and joined in. Q: Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree? A: Peer pressure. Q: Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree? A: He got taken out by the fourth one. Q: Why did the sixth koala fall out of the tree? A: He passed out from the smell of the first dead one. Matt.

Q: How do you get a one armed wally out of a tree? A: Wave to him. Q: How many wallys does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 5. One to climb up the ladder and the other four to turn it around. Q: Why did the wally land his plane on a house? A: The landing light was on. Q: How does a wally call his dog? A: He puts two fingers in his mouth and shouts "Blurrr-bluh!" (Rover) A wally is at his local pool and is about to dive in when a lifeguard rushes up and says "Don't jump in, there's no water in the pool!" "That's ok, I can't swim" replies the wally. Q: Why did the wally throw away all of his donuts? A: They all had holes in them. Q: Why did the wally get fired from the M & M's factory? A: He kept throwing away all of the ones that said 'W'. Matt.

Greg Norman, Tiger Woods, Jesus and another guy all decide to play a round of golf together. Tiger starts with a beautiful drive 130 yards down the fairway. Then using a wedge, Jesus lands the ball 5 yards from the green. Next, Greg Norman chips the ball onto the green ready for the other guy to putt a birdie. The other guy then studies the green for a bit and then pulls out a driver to everyones astonishment and hits the ball back down the course where it lands in a water hazard. "What did you do that for!" Tiger shouted. Meanwhile, as the ball sinks to the bottom of the hazard, a cod swallows it thinking it was food. It then swims near the surface where it gets swooped on by an eagle searching for food which then takes off towards its' nest. It just so happens that, as the eagle is flying over the green, a bolt of lightning comes out of nowhere and strikes the eagle which somehow survives but drops the cod. As the cod hits the ground, the ball rolls out of its mouth and into the cup to everyones amazement. Tiger and Greg are speechless until Jesus turns to the other guy and says "It's just a game dad, take it easy!". Matt.

Two muffins are in an oven cooking. One turns to the other and says "Hot enough for ya?" The other one screams "OH MY GOD!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!" Matt.

I know it's off topic but please tell me that the 08 in the image is infront of another loco!!! Matt.

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. zis mad you smil?

cuckoo clock Why women should avoid a girls night after they are married: The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.†I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!†Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnightâ€. He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock thoughâ€. “When I asked him whyâ€, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “oh shitâ€, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.â€