CameronL

My doctor told me I could stand to lose some weight. I hadn't realised it was that easy.

I said to my smart device: "Siri. I need help. I have great difficulty communicating with women. Can you tell me how to improve it?" She replied: "Actually, my name is Alexa."

OK. It was a relatively dry January.

I bet everyone is holding off posting 'cos they want to be the first post on page 1000.

There is... My Smart Car Upped and Left Me For Another Chorus My smart car upped and left me for another. But now she's gone I just have to agree Though I really did my best I just couldn't pass the test My car was more intelligent than me. When I saw her in the showroom I was smitten A real case of car love at first sight Seeing all her gleaming chrome Made me want to take her home And give her a good buffing every night And the salesman asked “Y’all ever owned a smart car?” I said “No, I’ve had a Jeep or two.” He just smiled and shook his head Looked me up and down and said “I think we’d best deliver her to you.” Chorus So they brought her round and left her on my driveway With a manual, and before they drove away I asked “How d’you turn her on?” They said “That’s page 1-4-1. Start reading now. You might get there today.” So I tried my best to understand that manual But reading it just made me feel a jerk 'Cos the language was absurd. Seemed like each and every word Was translated from Korean – by a Turk Chorus And I couldn’t use the vocal recognition She didn’t seem to like my Southern drawl And that really was no good She’d say “Not understood.” If I started any sentence with “Y’all.” So I plugged her in when I should have unplugged her Switched her off when I should have left her on Yes, I treated her so bad That it made my smart car sad ‘Til she couldn’t take no more, and now she’s gone. Chorus Well, I woke up one morning same as always. I found her gone, and I just wondered why She’d left me all alone And I found there on my ‘phone A text that said “Can’t take no more. Goodbye.” So now I’m all alone without my smart car But now I think mebbes our love was cursed Though she'd sensors all around Seems they didn't pick up "Hound" 'Cos she ran over my dog when she reversed. Chorus Last Chorus Well, my smart car upped and left me for another And when she left she drove away my heart. Mebbes I'll have more luck With an old Ford pickup truck. ‘Cos just like me that - car - ain’t - ve - ry - smart.

The Armed Forces assess the extent of a burns victim's injuries according to the "Rule of Ninths". Each area of the body is alloted a percentage that's a multiple of nine. So, each leg is 18%, the torso is 36%, each arm and the head is 9%. The remaining 1% is allocated to a chap's manhood, irrespective of its actual proportions. This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "1% rise".

How true. So many Irish and Scottish folk songs can be summed up as "There was a young girl and one day she died." They even borrow other races' misery. I once knew an Irishman who was convinced that "Dirty Old Town" was a traditional Irish song about Dublin. It was written about Salford by Ewan MacColl, who was born in Salford, and is therefore about as Irish as Boddington's Bitter (brewed in Salford at the time).

And if they're singing in Welsh, who knows? There could be more whingeing than an album by The Smiths.

Well, if we're offending the regions - What's the difference between black Americans and Yorkshiremen? Black Americans gave us The Blues. Yorkshiremen whinge all the time: they just don't set it to music. (Maybe also applies to the Welsh?)

Bright Side of the Road - Van Morrison

I'm half Scottish (which explains "Cameron"). Someone once asked me why I don't wear a kilt, and I replied "It's the top half. "

Another oldie.. What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut? You can get a drink out of a coconut.

She offered her honour. He honoured her offer. And all night long he was on 'er and off 'er.

That could be me. I've always thought that B and Q should have an aisle of medical supplies.

Life's Been Good To Me So Far - Joe Walsh

At midday a man walked into a pub, up to the bar and said to the barman: "A pint of lager, please." "Sorry," replied the barman. "We're waiting for a delivery. We'll have it back on draught at about three." "OK," said the man and left. A quarter of an hour later he came back in, walked up to the bar and said to the barman: "A pint of lager, please." "I've already told you," replied the barman. "We won't have any until three o'clock." "OK," said the man and left. A quarter of an hour later he came back in, walked up to the bar and said to the barman: "A pint of lager, please." "Did you not get the message?" replied the barman. Then, slowly and clearly he said: "We ... are ... waiting ... for ... a ... delivery. ... We'll ... have ... some ... after ... three ... o'clock." "OK," said the man and left. A quarter of an hour later he came back in, walked up to the bar and said to the barman: "A pint of lager, please." "Look," said the barman, on the verge of losing his temper. "How do you spell it." "Spell what?" the man replied. "Lager." "Oh, that's easy. L - A - G - E - R." "What about the 'F'?" the barman asked. "'F'?" said the man, sounding puzzled. "There's no 'F' in lager." "Finally you get the message," the barman said. "See you after three."

At least it rhymes with "truck".

Same goes for the Mitsubishi Pajero.

That would make "Chateauneuf" "nine cats' water." So "Chateauneuf du Pape" would be "The Pope's nine cats' water." Somebody in marketing really dropped a clanger with that one. Mind you, there have been worse. Once upon a time the bigwigs at Vauxhall were puzzled as to why the Nova didn't sell well in the Spanish-speaking World. Until, that is, someone pointed out that, in Spanish, "No va" means "doesn't go". Not a good name for a car.

If that bothers you, how about Chateau French wines? Chat = cat Eau = water "Cat water?" In the past I have drunk some wine that tasted like a cat was involved in its production, but they didn't put it on the label.

That's the first lines to a time-travel Country and Western song.

Let him fondle your nuts? (Not so much scraping the bottom of the barrel as lifting it up to get at what's underneath it).

No. The little mouse hasn't got clogs on, and he isn't going clip-clippety-clop on the stair.