CameronL

Don't forget- "Red sky at night - the refinery's alight."

Is anyone else experiencing dave ja vu?

(John 11:26); “Jesus Christ is the sauce of all life.”

I've Just Seen A Face - The Beatles

I was round at my daughter's house last night and I asked her if she had a newspaper. "Dad, you're so old fashioned," she replied. "Use my iPad instead." That spider didn't know what hit it.

I would add Dave Allen to that list.

A comment i heard muttered at an exhibition recently: “I hate model railways. The only reason I have one is to make it easy for my family to think of something to give me for Christmas.”

She Got the Goldmine (I Got the Shaft) - Jerry Reed

And the German word for "spanner" is "nutzundboltzeninzundoutzenroundzundroundzen".

An actual sign in Swansea - The council emailed a translator for the Welsh version. What they got back was an automated email which said "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated", so that's what they wrote on the sign.

And how many points would you get if you got "Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften" on a Triple Word Score? Somebody's going to work it out.

If they played Scrabble they'd probably call it "Buchstabenaufkachelnumwörterzubilden" (Letters on tiles to make words).

That film has the best line from the franchise-

Have you heard that TASS, the Russian News Agency, has launched a competition to find the best political joke? The first prize is twenty years.

Even when you try to drag "The Forum Jokes Thread" back, kicking and screaming, to actually having a joke in it, you get diverted into an existential crisis. Can't win...

There were once two elderly railway modellers, Stanley and Fred, who were the best of friends. Unfortunately, Fred died - leaving Stanley his entire collection in his will but as Stanley modelled the Somerset and Dorset in 1910 and Fred was keen on sectorised BR there wasn't a lot of scope for running them. However, he did give the BR stuff a run once in a while in memory of his old friend. One night while running his layout, the room was suddenly filled with a gentle, ethereal light. A heavenly choir could be heard singing softly in the background and, standing in the middle of the floor was Fred, shimmering softly. "Fred, is that really you?" Stanley quavered. "Yes, it's me," the apparition replied. "They've let me come back to give you some news. Well - two pieces actually. Well - good news and bad news in fact." "What's the good news?" Stanley asked. "THEY'VE GOT MODEL RAILWAYS IN HEAVEN!" Fred said excitedly. "It's great! You get all the space you need for your most ambitious plans, you want anything new it comes same-day delivery, the angels run classes on weathering, scratchbuilding and the like. It's a modeller's paradise." "It sounds amazing," said Stanley, "but what's the bad news?" "You're coming for a running session on Sunday."

SWMBO and I went for one of those all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets. Now, I'm absolutely addicted to the starters - prawn toasts, spring rolls, dim sums, seaweed. Ì'd happily try to eat my own body weight of them. So, every course had its garnish of starters. After my fourth visit to the servery, SWMBO looked at me and said: "The chefs are watching you. Aren't you embarrassed about getting so many starters?" "Not at all," I replied. "I just say I'm getting them for you."

Sounds like the history of the computer.

I sometimes think that the cavemen are among us. There's a toll bridge close to us and the staff in the booth seem to be incapable of communicating in anything but grunts. I feel like saying "Do you want the money or just the secret of fire?"

Our local media has just reported the story of an inmate who escaped from an asylum, sexually assaulted the staff at a launderette, and ran off into the night. The headline was... "NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"

Or Bernstein?

And hump the leg of everyone in the room.