CameronL

Or should that be "Igor'th little jobth ath a Count'th perthonal gentleman!" (Terry Pratchett might thay tho. And thankth for all the etheth. Thith gag wouldn't thtand up without thome).

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed and his tie straight?

A young man was attending the selection board for a rather prestigious and high-profile job. The nature of the job required him to have a psychiatric evaluation. The psychiatrist was rather old-school, and a great believer in the Rorschach Inkblot Test. He sat the young man down, showed him the first abstract image and asked him what he thought it was. "That's easy," the young man replied. "It's two people having sex." The psychiatrist couldn't see it himself, but he reminded himself that the test was about personal perception. He showed the young man the next card. "Two people having sex again," came the reply. The third and fourth cards were met with the same answer. The psychiatrist pressed on. Every card got the same answer (although at number 8 the young man did say that there was also a sheep involved). All ten cards showed, the psychiatrist put them down and said: "I don't normally discuss tests with the subjects until I have a chance to evaluate the results, but I have to say, young man, that you seem to be totally obsessed with sex." The young man looked horrified. "Me obsessed with sex?" he replied. "You're the one who's showing all the dirty pictures!"

Have you still got the bowl?

Raw? Great idea! That'll make things so much easier next year. Thanks.

No "Trick or treat" -ers tonight. I'm so disappointed. Do you know how long it takes to prepare and individually wrap 250 chocolate-covered sprouts?

"Cornered like a hippo on roller skates" was how I put it.

Another good thing about Ladas was that they never got stolen by joyriders. It isn't possible to joyride in a Lada.

Having kicked the snowball that started a not-joke avalanche - One night, a traffic policeman was on patrol when he saw a car fail to indicate at a junction. He put on the blues and twos and stopped the car. After a short conversation with the very apologetic driver he said that he'd have to provide a breath test. The man dipped into his pocket and pulled out a card, which said: "This man has a serious respiratory problem and must not be required to blow hard, as this will result in terrible suffering. " So, the police officer said that he could go to the station for a blood sample. He pulled out a card, which said: "This man has a serious blood clotting problem and must not be required to provide a blood sample, as this will result in terrible suffering. " So, the police officer said that he could go to the station for a urine sample. He pulled out a card, which said: "This man is a Manchester United fan, so don't take the p*ss, because he's suffered enough." (Edit to include your least-favourite, underperforming team).

Wot? Not one watch per time zone?

Might: "Get yourself a bike. You're too stupid to own a car." be among them?

Quote from my daughter: "I'm glad the clocks have gone back. The clock in my car tells the right time now."

It's The Flying Squad.

Never Going Back Again - Fleetwood Mac

There's a folk musician called Phil Beer. I hope he hangs on...

Notice anything about this definition? It doesn't actually tell you what the word means. A bit of Googling revealed that it was first used in 1775 in a play by a playwright called David Garrick. So it's an invented word. Now, as I'm rapidly approaching codgerhood myself I feel I need to be better prepared. If "codger "is a noun, there must be a verb "to codge". So, can anyone tell me how a person codges? It is a solo or team pastime? Does it need any special equipment? Does a person put on their codging slippers and codgiing cardigan, go out to the codging shed with a bag of Werthers and sit in the codging chair for an hour of codging. Of course, if the verbial form gets wider recognition there could be a serious business opportunity. Maybe one day "Cameron's Codging Commodities" will provide such above mentioned products to the codging community. If it really takes off, CCC could even sponsor codging events. The codgers of the world could assemble in places such as Bexhill on Sea, Colwyn Bay and Lytham St Annes (all places renowned for their high numbers of codgers per square mile) for a good codge. How long might it be before competitive codging becomes a televised event (on the BBC of course, ITV and Channel 4 seem to be getting everything else these days)? This really needs looking into. I just need to know how a person actually codges...

Last Mango in Paris - Jimmy Buffett (RIP, Jimmy, from a true Parrot Head).

I don't want to mention the night we had with our horse.

My son has just had to give up his chosen path because of fallen arches It can be a real problem for an athlete. So they tell me. I know it's a real problem for an architect.

Isn't that a requirement for a banjo player?

Baby, You Can Drive My Car - Them Beatles

People vastly overestimate the power of the fax machine. I worked for a time for a company who sold very high-end software to very large organisations. One of our customers was the Ministry of Defence - well, part of it because the MoD at the time was a very compartmentalised organisation. We were trying to spread our software to other bits of the MoD, and the account manager thought that a demonstration with live data would be a good idea. However, getting the live data at really short notice was a problem, because the MoD drone providing it didn't want to fax it (this was long before the Internet and emails). But, after several phone calls saying how essential this data was the MoD drone hit upon a solution that kept her happy. She put the data in an envelope and faxed the envelope to us. I did not feel comforted that the defence of the realm was in the hands of such people at all.

Mary had a little lamb. Its fleece was white and soft. A Lorry ran it over And now it's in a kofta.