Winslow Boy

To: Allied Forces (Officer Commanding) Intelligence has ascertained increased radio traffic amongst Axis forces is prelude to hostile action.STOP. STRONGLY RECOMMEND that ALL allied forces be placed on STAGE TWO alert. STOP. Uncle Ethel located.STOP. Auntie George awaited. STOP. END MESSAGE.

No no no just lower the control rods and they'll mop up the spare ions.

Bzzz, hiss, bzz Here is the 12 o'clock news read by Alistair Side....bzzz, hiss It. Is reported today that elements of the Lancashire. Bzz....hiss, crackle (Home guard Diversion) along with units from the Yorkshire ....bzzz, crackle.......(North west Highland....bzz, hiss) Brigade were involved yesterday in scuffles and unseemly behaviour with units of HH corps and......bzz, crackle PB regiment. The incident took place in atrocious weather with black ice ....,hiss, bzzzz and patchy snow. No casualties were reported from either side. And other news authorities are seeking the location of Auntie George and Uncle Ethel. If anybody has any...bzzz, Hiss's......, they are ask to contact there Nephew Gertrude at...,.......Hiss's,bzzzzzz. Today's message is ' the rain......Hiss's,crackle..,.on the .........bzzz, hizz...... And we now return you to Glen Miller Moonlight decade.......hizzz, crackle.

Send three and six pence we're going to the dance

Been there and got the t shirt to prove it. The Q's proton beam is on so fingers crossed.

That will be the Big H again throwing you of his scent by projecting a false image.

A ha so that's how he's getting past the outer defences. I'm of to tweak the proton beam that The Q very kindly sent me. I'll have to put another shilling in the meter first though.

Action stations man the barricades Bear alert. Just got to find the Hippo'. They are more difficult to spot.

You've gone and done it now. We were keep that quiet. I'm off to patrol the perimeter and reinforce the pachyderm and bear defences. Now where did I put those sharpened timber stakes and fuse the teiler mines. Might be gone some time.

Non Comprendi Englais

You see a perfectly innocent explanation. There was I imagining that you were enconsenced in a portaloo sited on the edge of your property line, the wind whistling round your trossecks like some lone sentry posted to some lonely spot in order to give advanced warning of marauding pachyderms sweeping across the Shropshire plain in search of poor innocent perveyors of cake. I can rest easy now safe in the knowledge that no pachyderms came to harm as you robustly manned you post, the flag still aloft.

I like how the police said that they had to push past a flood of guests leaving the venue to gain entry. Err why. You stand at the door take the details of anyone leaving, issue an £80 fine, tell them they are in quarantine for two weeks and that you'll be round tomorrow to check that they aren't breaking it and finally issue you a £10,000 fine to the organiser. Job done. But no that would all take too long so let's instead let everyone go to spread the virus around and not arrest anyone. Then they wonder why London has the highest rate of infection and the lowest vaccination rate.

Touchy subject that as round our neck of the woods a housing developer is having to explain why it appears his site is under water. He is, along with the local council having to issue press statements that what has flooded was meant to flood. But you know what they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. Which reminds me of the planning application that I was asked to comment on in which the sports fields were on the flood plain so would be flooded each winter. Have a guess what the pitches were for. Give up. Why football and when is the football season. Yes I know I'll give you some more time. That's it yes it's winter. You really have to give it to them for trying.

Oh my god it's snowmagedon. It's the end of the world as we know it. Put the RAF on standby ready to drop emergency supplies. Call yourself a Geordie you should be ashamed of yourself. One centimetre of snow that's sun bathing weather man. Get the shorts and t shirt on and get out there. Awa' the lads.

Clean out of candy - held up at Dover while French customs 'sample it' . Will sugar beet do instead?

So you lot which one of you said that you felt it wasn't fair that you didn't have any snow when everyone else was 'commenting' (moaning) about it. Well come on which one of was it! What's it gone done. Snowed hasn't it and what am I doing. Sitting here in the warmth with a nice cup of tea trying to pluck up courage to walk the dog. She doesn't mind snow which is strange as she hates rain. Anyway have my snow shoes aka tennis rackets , my thermos and a packet of mints - other methods of staying warm are available. Send a search party if I'm not back in an hour.

Best take the ski's, blanket and hot flask just in case you get marooned.

What you need is a band of elves. They could be kept in one of the sheds. If you rigged a bell and cableway up then all you'd have to do is ring the bell and they could send a wagonload down. What do elves eat?

Need reporting then as the pub shouldn't be open during lockdown and I hope the skipper has made the snowflake compliant with covid guidelines. Oops sorry it's the 1930's isn't it so they didn't have to worry about such things.

Humus is just the posh way of saying organic matter. So you are looking for a compost with a very high peat content. It might be simpliest to make it up yourself as you won't be needing much.

Well iL Dottori I am glad that its not just me nor the effects of age on the few brain cell that are left. As you say we could waste considerable effort and time chuntering away on this subject and I certainly have no wish to have my knuckles rapped for discussing the 'P' word but I do think it reflects a deeper malaise within society itself. The fact that people seem to want things within a very short timescale whether that be wealth or family is not good. Anyway I am off to rout some notches and by the way I do not believe relaying the mines will work as bears are quite clever.

Well that's good news then. He wibbled you right then. And its good night from him and a wobble from me.

I whole heartedly agree with you there and unfortunately it is the 'back room boys & girls' who are often the ones who take the flack. I do think though that there is very much a tendancy now a days for people in this role to rather 'sink down' rather than work to a higher standard. It is something I have noticed more recently or perhaps I'm just getting old.

Par humbug. Her upstairs can't make her mind up, typical women. It started off raining first thing. Dog didn't want to go out. Fine said I we'll take the car, yes I know very indulgent but it was you know p.........g down. So off we trundle, dog happy that she's out of the rain. Get to paper shop no paper. Ok says I let's try next shop, no paper there either. Only ended up in Asda don't we. Dog now unhappy as she's not had here morning work. You just can't win sometimes.

Wouldn't touch BT with a barge pole and that's with them buying the barge pole for us. They are a bunch of incompetent W.......... who I would trust to run a sweet shop let alone a multi national telephonic company. Apologies if any readers have the misfortune to have worked for them.