here's one I remember the great Ken Dodd telling some time ago.
The wife and I had been in the local play, as a pantomime cow, and we had gone down pretty well. I was in the head, she was in the rear. However,at the end of the show, when we wanted to get dressed, we discovered that the zip had broken and we couldn't get out. As nobody at the show had any scissors or pliers, we decided the best thing was to just nip home, which was only nearby, still in the costume and sort it out when we got there. So off we went, the back way out of the hall, over a style and were just taking a short cut through a field when we noticed we had company. Alarmed, my wife informed me in a hoarse whisper, 'There's a bull approaching! What are we going to do!'
'Well I'm going to nibble grass,' I replied, 'I suggest you brace yourself!'