bluebottle

I think that one posting a set of photographs should use the modest phrase "Hope you like them" or some such rather than "Enjoy!" I have to quell the grouch in me which mutters: "If they're good, then I'll enjoy them without being ordered to!" - before I can go ahead and enjoy the pictures!

One of my neighbours proudly showed me her newly refitted kitchen, telling me that it had a "lifetime guarantee". "So that's it for the rest of your life?" "Oh no - I don't know how long I'm going to live, do I?"

A farmer bought a new cockerel, to the dismay of the old bird which had been servicing the farmers hens. The newcomer sympathised with the oldie, but said he'd have to accept that he was just past it. The veteran pleaded for a chance to prove he was still fit, and suggested a race around the farmyard. The other agreed and cockily gave him a start. A few minutes later, the farmer came out to see the old bird running desperately round the yard, with the young one in pursuit. Grabbing the newcomer, he wrung its neck, exclaiming: "Dang me! I've bought yet another queer cock!"

Should I refer to, for instance, a Jubilee or Sandringham class loco as a "Four-six-nought" rather than a "four-six-oh"? Or should I give the Sheffield dialling code as "Nought-one-one-four rather than the "oh-double-one-four nearly everyone uses? (I say nearly everyone - I usually say "zero" to make sure it's not misheard as "four". Perhaps I could really confuse the staff at "rails" by ordering a few lengths of "zero-zero" track...) I, for one, intend to carry on writing "00" and saying "dublo" in honour of Binns Road's famous products! (Edited for punctuation)

I discussed the use of double negatives with an educated lady from the United States; she told me that Americans sometimes use these to give extra emphasis to a statement, not because of ignorance of grammar. I do think its use in Britain is solely due to ignorance, however.

Wow! Never mind the Heljan LMS Garratts - I want a model of one of these !! Brutal !!!

Anybody remember The Adventures of Hiram Holliday, a US comedy drama series on the Beeb at the start of the sixties? The eponymous hero travels all over the world, mainly by train, and the very low budget for the show meant that it was always the same train. Still - no continuity errors!

Yes, Isobella's a nice lady too, but some of us have special needs, you see... Got any nice snaps of Ms Rossellini with less make-up, hair uncoiffed and wearing a Gore-Tex jacket, leggings and boots? Nudge-nudge...

Advice, please: If I got yet another phone call from somebody introducing himself as "Nigel", or "Jeremy", or "Algernon", in a strong Mumbai accent, "conducting a survey", would it be racially offensive to adopt a very English accent and reply: "Oh, hello, Nigel, my name's Sanjeev"?

Back on the box again (Mondays, BBC4, 8.30 PM): "Only Connect". This would be one of my favourite programmes anyway, but the well-upholstered Victoria Coren - and her razor-sharp wit is the icing on the cake (painful mixed metaphor there) - makes it a must-watch. I always record the show so that I can pause-play to give me a chance to think about some of the clues, and watching one rather too late at night for intellectual effort, I was startled when Ms Coren said: "Right, everybody wide awake" (leans forward) "and you need to get more sleep!" I've been waiting for more such personal communications ever since...

Posting to agree with your point about Northern getting the cast-offs, I glanced at your location: "Location Lancashire - West of Rochdale - but definately East of Yorkshire" - One of us needs a new compass!

Often, those who do complain about their printer heads drying up mention that they hadn't used the printer for a while. I habitually switch on and print a short test piece regularly betweentimes. When using an Epson R200, I found that Jettec cartridges, while not the cheapest compatibles, were pretty reliable. But I won't insult my beloved Epson 1400 A3+ printer with anything less than Epson originals! (usual disclaimer)

I didn't watch much of the old "Torchwood" series, but setting the present series in the States has given it an edginess it didn't have before - and somehow it's easier to accept the dafter excesses of SF set in the US rather than the UK. And they've cut out the more annoying cast members, keeping only the essential Captain Jack (John Barrowman) and - to get to the point - Gwen Cooper (Eva Myles - Ahhh!). In the words of Robbie Williams, all the best women are married, all the handsome men are gay...). According to the Radio Times, Ms Myles had to resist suggestions that she slim down and tone up for the American market. Its difficult to believe that American men wouldn't appreciate her comely shape just as it is!

Consider what the reaction of others might be on seeing someone custard pied - you could provoke sympathy for someone who doesn't deserve sympathy. I can't describe my immediate reaction when that idiot lunged at Rupert Murdoch - lets just say it was convenient for Rupert that the incident occurred at that moment...

My favourite Bill Shankly story tells of when a young television reporter, whose high self-opinion wasn't matched by any knowledge of football, came to interview him. The youth positioned Shanks halfway up the Kop, then walked towards him delivering his spiel to camera. He reached Bill and said: "Well, what do you think, Bill Shankly?" Shankly looked him up and down and said: "I think that's the biggest load of sh!te I've ever heard in my life." "CUT!"

The inlay notes with my CD of "The Very Best of SB & Q" attributes the song to Iain rather than Gavin, but I read somewhere that the song came about when Gavin (or Iain) was trying to play the Mingulay boat song and got the chords wrong. I suspect a lot of hit songs come about that way...

Another Dylan cover. I heard Joe singing this in the Black Swan (AKA the Mucky Duck) in Sheffield back in the mid sixties - really made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMJbuM1AMFc

I wholeheartedly agree about both Dewsbury Midland and Leith Baltic Street, but I wouldn't put any pressure on Andy to go for EM. At an exhibition a few years ago (I think it was a Scalefour North at Wakefield) I admired the loco wheels lathe-produced by a pleasant and informative chap who happened to comment that some layouts outstanding for their buildings and scenery were spoilt for him by the use of 00 Gauge. He particularly mentioned Dewsbury Midland, so I asked him if he'd noticed that the canopy columns were constructed from metal tube. This meant that they were of round section rather than the octagonal section of the MR canopy columns of Bingley, on which the platform canopies were based. He hadn't noticed, and we agreed that the compromise was understandable and acceptable in a large exhibition layout where this would only be picked up by the scenic equivalent of a rivet counter. A minor point compared to the question of gauge, to be sure, but to me even the "narrow gauge" of 00 can be overlooked in a layout that captures time and place so perfectly - and I speak as one born within earshot of Leith Central in LNER days!

I hate to hear a man describe a woman as "plug-ugly". No matter how physically unattractive he may consider her, no gentleman would use such an offensive term for a woman. A recently-overheard example on a local train: "Did tha see that Frances de la Tour on't telly last neet? Tha knows, she were in 'Rising Damp' years ago. She were ploog-ugly then, and she's ploog-ugly now!" Needless to say the individual in question was no oil painting, and I was particularly irritated because I've always had a soft spot for the lady in question; no dolly-bird but a likeable presence on my TV screen. His friend restored my good opinion of South Yorkshire manhood by reproving him - though more gently than he deserved - "Ar - she speaks well o' thee..."

I think that the word "jobsworth" has been fairly used in this thread, but one occasionally hears it used by those who think that rules don't apply to them. Overheard in a pub largely frequented by students: Customer: "Two pints, please." Barman, clearing up: "Sorry, last orders was twenty minutes back." "Oh I've got to buy him a pint, he's bought me one." "Well, buy him one next time, then." "Don't get stroppy with me, jobsworth..."

I was in a photographic dealer looking for some of my usual contrasty grade 3 Kodak printing paper (pre-digital days, this, for anyone puzzled by stone age technology), but all I could see on the shelves was own-brand grade 2(normal). I asked the salesman if he'd anything harder. He looked puzzled and rubbed a sample sheet of paper between finger and thumb "Well, this is quite hard..." He looked quite hurt when I laughed.

"Though this be madness, yet there is method in't" I usually ask for a black coffee so that I can put just a dribble of milk in it - milky coffee usually comes scalding and cools down too quickly. OK, humourless response over, carry on with the joke if you like!

Or perhaps not - the website might crash under the weight of posts!

I remember it too, and I certainly don't miss it. I detested the acrid smell of cheap cigarettes, particularly when I had to carry it home on my hair and clothes.

When my wife was expecting and people asked if we wanted a boy or a girl, we gave the sensible answer - that we didn't mind as long as it was healthy and liked trains. So we had names ready for both a girl and a boy. My brother suggested, for a boy, "Benito" - after Benito Juárez, the first native president of Mexico. We pointed out that he'd probably be followed around by the other kids impersonating Captain Bertorelli from "'allo 'allo" and saying "Heil-a Mussolini". My brother replied sadly that he hadn't thought of that. Anyway, it was a girl, she's healthy and she likes trains.