The Forum Jokes Thread

[shortliner]

The Theory of Intelligence

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

 

 

[great central]

Not a joke as such but I found this very funny (to me anyway) way of describing 'the modern DMU experience'

From the WNXX forum:

 

davidinyork wrote:

,

 

 

........................but that shouldn't present a problem as long as the bogie isn't powered by a 750hp diesel engine with all the refinement of a colonic irrigation performed by the local fire brigade. ..............

[Diesel Dayz]

Man in front of the Judge for stealing a chicken. Judge asked him ''What on earth compelled you to commit this crime?''

The man replied ''I took it for a lark Your Honour''.

The Judge looked at him sternly and said ''no resemblance whatsoever'' and gave him 6 months.

[Colin_McLeod]

He should have gone to Specsavers!

[Horsetan]

This World Cup is shaping up to be like World War 2: the French capitulated early, and we're having to the fight the Germans on our own until the Americans show up at the last minute.

 

 

Have you seen the new England Football Team branded Oxo cubes?

 

They're for making a laughing stock.....

 

I heard that England have got a new team coach. It'll be the one waiting to take them to the airport on Sunday.

[gordon s]

RETIREMENT BONUS

 

 

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

 

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes... He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

 

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my ###### to my testicles.'

 

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

 

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.

 

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's ###### and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

 

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

[Allegheny1600]

Terrorist alert levels.

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed," to "Peeved." Soon, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated," or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome," to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning was during the great fire of London in 1666.

 

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the bustards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run," to "Hide".The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender,’’ and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly," to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations," and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance," to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour," and "Lose".

 

Belgians are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed vessels have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

The USA is carrying out pre-emptive strikes on their allies, just in case.

 

New Zealand has raised its security levels, - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force is now squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation which is, "Jeez, I hope the Aussies will come and rescue us".

 

Australia has raised its security level from "No worries," to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain; "Crikey!’', then, "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final level.

 

Just received this by email, thought it sooo good (& clean!), i had to post it!

Cheers,

John E.

P.S. Not meant to be insulting to anyone but i better issue an apology to any Kiwis in the audience!

[Diesel Dayz]

Terrorist alert levels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed vessels have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

 

[Horsetan]

For sale: One England kit and boots; very lightly used, few grass stains and no sweat. In fact, as new. Contact Mr. W. Rooney on 07041 414141

 

 

[swampy]

Doing the rounds...

 

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?

Cinderella wanted to get to the ball…………

 

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still

alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely

s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the

message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

 

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .

 

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now

be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arsεholes being

regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

 

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily

have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

 

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,

"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly

struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

 

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the

dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

 

What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?

- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

 

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car

park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He

stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,

"No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort it

out..."

 

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into

the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way

into the dressing room.

 

David Blaine is gutted that the record he got for doing F*** all in a box for

42 days has just been beaten by Wayne Rooney

[Horsetan]

And to go with the above, did anyone see the weather forecast earlier? Apparently there was going to be a shower of sh*te coming in from Southern Africa.

[Diesel Dayz]

Capello's organised a friendly against Iceland. If we beat them we go on to play Asda and then Tesco.

[28XX]

All was quiet in the TFL workshops on monday night, except for two welders on overtime putting the roof back on an open-topped bus.

[Colin_McLeod]

Perhaps Iceland will beat them at "The Ashes" too.

[Diesel Dayz]

I'm gutted. I washed my England shirt, hung it out to dry..... Went to fetch it in and some b*****d had nicked me pegs.

[Horsetan]

Man visits a brothel, and tells the Madam of the house: "I'm a bit kinky. What does a bit of humiliation cost?"

 

Madam: "£37.50"

 

Man: "Wow! What do I get for that?"

 

Madam: "An England shirt"

[70022Tornado]

The England foorball team looked good on paper, it was when you put them on grass that things went pearshaped.

 

70022 "As Carwyn James once said " Get yer retaliation in fust ! "

[DonB]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

 

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

 

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

 

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

 

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

 

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

 

The Aussie said 'One!'

 

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

 

How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

 

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

 

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

 

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

 

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

 

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

 

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

 

'Well, since your weekend's ruined, you might as well go fishing.'

 

---------------ooooooooooooo---------------

 

(apologies to our friends "Down Under")

[Diesel Dayz]

If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?

[DonB]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous Brunette sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

 

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

 

 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and He shares his. She listens.

 

 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

 

 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

 

 

'No,' she replies. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it. .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's coming. .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She says:

 

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

 

(Oh shut up, I've got my coat!)

[Guest dilbert]

For film and a certain sport addicts :

 

 

 

(from a German colleague)...dilbert

[DonB]

A series of "funniest scenes" from films running at

 

http://www.moviefone.co.uk/2010/07/04/the-funniest-movie-scenes-of-all-time-video/?icid=main|uk-ws-bb|dl7|link2|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.moviefone.co.uk%2F2010%2F07%2F04%2Fthe-funniest-movie-scenes-of-all-time-video%2F

[DonB]

All ALLEGEDLY true..... Not from personal experience!.........

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

 

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece.

 

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

 

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

 

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

 

Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.

 

[b]IDIOT SIGHTING #2 [/b]

 

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

 

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,

 

'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

 

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park ,Nr Watford UK

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #3

 

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing any more.'

 

Story from Potters Bar , Herts , UK

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #4

 

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

 

From South Oxhey Herts , UK

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #5

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

 

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

 

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

Happened Luton Airport UK

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #6

 

The stop light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

 

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

She is a Local Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #7

 

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!'

 

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

 

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire UK

 

STAY ALERT!

 

They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE

[70022Tornado]

Following DonB above - Warrented True !!!

 

Many Years ago I needed some plastic curtin rail to build a model Bridge - So I toddled down to the local Woolworths in a Kentish Coastal Town.

 

"How much is that a foot ?"

 

"Oh we don't sell it in feet" quoth the shop assistant.

 

"OK, well how much is that a yard ?"

 

"Oh we don't sell it in yards"

 

"Well what do you sell it in ? "

 

"We sell it in 3 foot lengths !"

 

I gave up.

 

70022

[JZ]

A few years back I went into the SPAR in Twerton, Bath, to buy some stamps. "12 first class stamps please". " I'm sorry we only sell them in books of six".