The Forum Jokes Thread

[peanuts]

Bilbo Baggins was quite perturbed when he awoke to find the new tesco at the bottom of his garden 

 

it was an unexpected item in the baggins area !

[Two_sugars]

GROANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[BR60103]

And my brother-in-law used to work for an HMRC Helpline in Dundee and got into trouble with management there for exactly the same thing!

The Historical Model Railway Club?

[Budgie]

I am a Seenager

 

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only fifty years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don't have a curfew.

I have a driving licence and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, and they do not use drugs.

And I don't have acne.

 

Life is great.

[jeff alvey]

[jeff alvey]

[Londontram]

[steve1]

Fashion Tip for Today:

 

If your shirt is too loud, you may need to turn up your trousers.

 

steve

[Adams442T]

I thought I would offer a free preemptive groan for all viewers...............

 

I looked out my window and saw a guy in a black robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe.

 

So I thought I'd go and help.

 

"Stop," said my wife, grabbing my arm. "You're de-icing with death."....

[Budgie]

Home Security for Seniors

 

Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system, turned off my external lights and de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front garden, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

 

The police, the army and all my neighbours are watching the house 24/7. I am watched everywhere I go.

[Sidecar Racer]

Pedro and Maria got married.Pedro was a 'man about town 'so to  speak, but Maria was very

naive and uninformed about the birds and  the bees.

 

Pedro  was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that

night they retired to his little shack.

 

When Pedro was undressing Maria said, 'Oh Pedro, what is that?'

 

Pedro, being very quick thinking, said, 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.

' And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.

 

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual.

When he returned home that  evening,Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.

 

  'Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of  those, and I saw Gonzalez

the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one,too.'

 

Thinking fast, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I  had two of them so I gave

him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those.'

 

Marie being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.

 

Pedro went off to work the next morning; and, when he returned home,

 

Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

 

Pedro said, 'Maria, what is the matter now?'

 

'Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one'

[mezzoman253]

My first wife started taking flying lessons about the time of our divorce and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

 

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing somewhere nearby because of bad weather.

 

The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error. She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

 

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

 

No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.

 

She was very lucky…....................................................................................................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mezzoman253]

His request approved, the local newspaper photographer quickly used his mobile phone to call the airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the coast and make low passes so I can take pictures of the oil spill'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for the local news' he responded,' and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is. . . . .

 

 

 

You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[shortliner]

A few laughs to brighten your day

 

So true .......................

 

 

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

 

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

 

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

 

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs

work.

 

The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down.

I'll remember it."

 

When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.

Now it's like a mini vacation.

 

The day the world runs out of wine...It's just too terrible to think about.

 

Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

 

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten

minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

 

When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back

"no" which is shorter than "yes".

 

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I

came in there for.

[shortliner]

 

 

 

Sometimes humour comes in a coarse way- but its still funny.

 

You know, people complain about the RCMP, (Royal Canadian Mounted Police),

But you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one:

 

Frozen Carburetor Incident:

 

In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place. For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day several weeks ago in Northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

 

"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.

 

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

 

"Pi$$ on it. That'll thaw it out."

 

"I can't." said the biker.

 

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The constable promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

 

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

 

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Joanne....."

[PhilJ W]

A motorway patrol officer on the M11 saw a Nissan Micra creeping along the inside lane so he pulled it over. The car contained four elderly ladies, he asked the driver why was she going so slow. She answered that she was keeping to the speed limit, 11 mph. which was all on the signs. The officer then explained to her that that was the Motorway number not the speed limit. He then noticed that the other three ladies were ashen faced and staring ahead so he asked 'Are your passengers OK?' She said 'I think so, they've only been like that since we left the A120'.

[CHAZ D]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too" Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"
says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
There is a long, pregnant silence, during which the duck just stares at the shelves behind the barman.
"What's the matter?" says the barman.
The duck says "Just trying to work out what  they would want with a plasterer!!..

[Londontram]

Paleontologist have uncovered a previously unknown species of Dinosaur and with it a theory why this one became extinct so quickly as they think these dinosaurs were all lesbians. The Lickalotofpuss seems to have only lasted a short time on earth due to its low breading rate scientist say.  

[Allegheny1600]

Man writes a letter to Animals R Us,
Dear Sir, I am starting a Zoo, please send me a pair of Mongooses (crossed out) a pair of Mongi, (crossed out) a pair of Mongees. (crossed out.
Starts again,
Dear Sir, I am starting a Zoo, please send me a Mongoose.
P.S. and another one.

[Enterprisingwestern]

Man writes a letter to Animals R Us,

Dear Sir, I am starting a Zoo, please send me a pair of Mongooses (crossed out) a pair of Mongi, (crossed out) a pair of Mongees. (crossed out.

Starts again,

Dear Sir, I am starting a Zoo, please send me a Mongoose.

P.S. and another one.

 

Leviticus, chapter 3, verse 7.

Or even older?

 

Mike.

[RJS1977]

Leviticus, chapter 3, verse 7.

Or even older?

 

Mike.

 

Genesis 2:19 in all probability....

[Tony_S]

Genesis 2:19 in all probability....

Genesis 6:19?

[Titan]

I hate noah alls...

[peanuts]

Paleontologist have uncovered a previously unknown species of Dinosaur and with it a theory why this one became extinct so quickly as they think these dinosaurs were all lesbians. The Lickalotofpuss seems to have only lasted a short time on earth due to its low breading rate scientist say.  

what do you call a gay dinosaur ?

 

a megasorearse !

[peanuts]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"

Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too" Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"

says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

There is a long, pregnant silence, during which the duck just stares at the shelves behind the barman.

"What's the matter?" says the barman.

The duck says "Just trying to work out what  they would want with a plasterer!!..

another duck goes into another bar

 

and asks the barman "Got any grapes?"

 

The barman replies "No. We do not sell grapes in here."

 

The duck thanks him and leaves.

 

 

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

 

 

Again, the bartender tells him, "No the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

 

 

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

 

 

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

 

 

Confused, the bartender says no.

 

 

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"