RJS1977 Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 As a wise man once said, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single by the Proclaimers." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted January 23, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 23, 2016 Or 8 characters and one number; Snowwhiteandthe7dwarfs. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted January 23, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 23, 2016 Snowwhiteandthe7dwarfs. Mike. It also includes upper and lower case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted January 25, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 25, 2016 HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And that's when the fight started.. ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And that's when the fight started.. ________________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scales. And that's when the fight started..... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And that's when the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' And that's when the fight started. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sasquatch Posted January 25, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) My local GP sent me to see an ornithologist about the erectile dysfunction who told me to not get in a flap and keep my pekker up! Edited to miss spell in order not to ruin the punch line. Edited January 25, 2016 by Sasquatch Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 According to Tettley the best way to make a cup of tea is to " agitate the bag " ! so every morning i slap her arse and say "two sugars fatty " Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 There's a new film to be made about the tennis match rigging scandal. Only available on Netfix... My understanding was that this whole tennis match rigging scandal nonsense came about because some officious twerp somewhere thought they had heard about a tennis racket until someone pointed out his spelling left something to be desired... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted January 26, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 26, 2016 Anyone for Tenners? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted January 26, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 26, 2016 (edited) I just watched this BBC comedy sketch from the 1970s: http://youtu.be/upEBdKFGlPg Edited January 26, 2016 by Welly 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted January 27, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 27, 2016 I hate Russian dolls... ...they're full of themselves! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 I hate Russian dolls... ...they're full of themselves! That joke works at several levels!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Grave Humour A tourist visiting a graveyard in Vienna, suddenly hears strange music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770 - 1827" Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. While they are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward, the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says. "He's decomposing." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Had to share this one. Men's logic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 The local police did a talk on drugs last night. Load of incoherent rambling, couldn't understand a word they were saying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Claude_Dreyfus Posted January 28, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 28, 2016 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today.' 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Claude_Dreyfus Posted January 28, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 28, 2016 The local police did a talk on drugs last night. Load of incoherent rambling, couldn't understand a word they were saying. In a similar vein... Police have expressed concern at the latest craze spreading throughout Yorkshire, involving the rubbing of illegal substances around your teeth. Apparently E by gum is a serious risk to health... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 On the subject of Yorkshiremen, 'Never ask a man if he is a Yorkshireman, if he is he'll soon tell you, and if he isn't you don't want to embarrass him.'(Suspect I will get a very specific group of likes or not on this one.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 On the subject of Yorkshiremen, 'Never ask a man if he is a Yorkshireman, if he is he'll soon tell you, and if he isn't you don't want to embarrass him.'(Suspect I will get a very specific group of likes or not on this one.) Apparently that was one of Winston Churchills sayings!Personally, I prefer the one where Lady xyz says to him "if you were my husband, I should give you poison!" And his response, "madam, if I were your husband, I would take it!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Apparently that was one of Winston Churchills sayings! Personally, I prefer the one where Lady xyz says to him "if you were my husband, I should give you poison!" And his response, "madam, if I were your husband, I would take it!" Well, that's a terrible typo for Lady Astor's name! Churchill didn't always win - One of my great-uncles was fond of the story of Winston, walking along the road deep in thought, being irritated by an urchin's whistling. "Stop that whistling, boy!" "No!" replied the lad, "Free country, innit?" The great orator was struck dumb... 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted January 30, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 30, 2016 On the subject of Yorkshiremen, Always remember: A Yorkshireman is just a Scotsman with all the generosity beaten out of him! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheesysmith Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Yorkshire born, Yorkshire bred, strong in arms, thick in head. A Yorkshire man cannot be blamed for being tight with his monies, it not his fault he has short arms and deep pockets. Said as a true dee dar, going back at least 8 generations. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted January 30, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) I'm a Ciderhead, which in all honesty is completely accurate. But who are you lot? Edited January 30, 2016 by Tim Dubya Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Not unless you've frequented 'the taps' you ain't Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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