The Forum Jokes Thread

[KevinWalsh]

 

 

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

This is a hoot ..... sad, because it is TRUE ...... but a hoot!!!!

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

 

In order to continue getting-by in parts of UK where they speak Estuary English we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

 

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...

 

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and calling for room-service somewhere in London.......

 

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

 

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

 

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joow ish to oddor sunteen???"

 

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

 

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

 

Guest: ".....What??"

 

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

 

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

 

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

 

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

 

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

 

Guest: "What?"

 

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

 

Guest: "I.... don't think so."

 

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

 

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

 

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

 

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! Ah! I've got it! Fine....Yes an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

 

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

 

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

 

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

 

RoomService: "Copy?"

 

Guest: "Excuse me?"

 

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

 

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

 

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

 

Guest: "Whatever you say."

 

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds.."

 

Guest: "You're welcome"

 

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "......and you do, don't you!

--- -- And you thought you didn’t speak a foreign language!!

 

 

 

 

Must be my age and education but it's taken me about 3 hours to work this one out.

[Colin_McLeod]

Must be my age and education but it's taken me about 3 hours to work this one out.

 

 

Try selective quotes. Saves server width by not quoting the entire joke.

Regards

[70022Tornado]

Overheared in an election count here in Caerphilly.

 

"Of course I am bilingual - I speak excellent English and perfik sarf Lunun"

 

70022 And I know - 'cos I was there.

[shortliner]

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

 

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

 

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

 

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 

"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

 

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

 

"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

 

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.â€

 

The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.

 

"You'll really love my place.

 

"The grass is almost a foot high"

[Steve K]

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and calling for room-service somewhere in London...

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! Ah! I've got it! Fine....Yes an English muffin will be fine."

Just as an aside, how many people in London (or anywhere in the UK) refer to an "English muffin"? I had to check on Wikipedia to be sure, and it's just a muffin (mind you, Wikipedia suggests that the "English muffin" is regularly eaten for breakfast in Britain, which I reckon is overstating things a bit). Reminds me of the exchange on Friends:

Joey: Go to China. Eat Chinese food.

Chandler: Of course, there they just call it "food".

Sorry to interrupt. Do carry on, but remember everyone, this is the new jokes thread...

[smudgeloco]

God - Jesus - read backwards susej-dog. Who would base a religion on a sausage-dog?

[DonB]

Clarity of thought

 

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

 

"Well you see, Norman, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norman, is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks"..

 

Exactly !

[Diesel Dayz]

Due to Global warming etc I have decided to to reduce my carbon footprint.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From Monday I shall wear size 6 shoes instead of size 9 shoes!

[Chris116]

Due to Global warming etc I have decided to to reduce my carbon footprint.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From Monday I shall wear size 6 shoes instead of size 9 shoes!

Depends on whether you wear leather or plastic shoes!

 

Chris

[jonny777]

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

 

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

 

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?

''What's so special about it?'

 

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

 

Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'

 

The woman giggles and replies

'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!'

 

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,

 

' The bloody thing's an hour fast!'

[DavidBelcher]

Patient: Good morning, doctor. Has there been any news about my test results?

 

Doctor: I'm afraid not. You may find this a little hard to believe, but the lab were unable to process your specimens as they were stolen the other day by a monkey that escaped from the zoo down the road. Yes, that's right - a monkey.

 

Patient: Macaque?

 

Doctor: No, just the blood and urine samples, apparently.

 

I'll get me coat.

 

David

[34theletterbetweenB&D]

Graffiti is a human right, a valid form of self expression which should not be inhibited or censored.

 

Sign the partition!

[5944]

I've just seen on the news, Boy George's pet reptile has attacked 5 people. He needs a calmer chameleon.

[deltic21]

And there i was, all the World Cup shouting at the TV that Rooney couldn't score in a Brothel!

 

How wrong i was!!!!!!!!!

[shortliner]

T his guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

He went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion he finally bought a rare talking centipede which came in a little box to use for it's house.

He took it home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would take his new pet to the bar for a drink.

 

He asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?'

Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.

 

This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked it again,

'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?'

 

Again there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

 

He decided to ask one more time.

This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,

'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?'

 

 

 

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A little voice came out of the box:



 

'I heard you the first time....

 

I'm just putting my f****ing shoes on!'

[mow]

Wayne Rooney has bought a second hand car.

 

A £1,200 Escort.

[shortliner]

Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!! This is good to know!!

MEDICAL RESEARCH

Australian Medical Association researchers have found

that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit

from receiving chicken blood

rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Just thought you'd like to know.

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

OK, I'll be going to my room now.

[shortliner]

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

 

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

 

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

 

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

 

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

[DonB]

The old ones are STILL the best!!!!

 

 

 

 

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

 

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'

St. Peter asked.

 

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

 

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

 

'Couple of minutes ago.'

[keefer]

i've just been barred fron b&q

 

i walked in the door and some wee guy in an orange apron asked if i wanted decking

 

so i thought i'd better get in first......

[shortliner]

The "Wellie Boot's"

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

 

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his "Wellie boot's"?

 

He asked for help and she could see why..

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat..

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on, this time on the right feet..

He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies."

 

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's" off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when he said,

"They're my brother's "Wellie's", my mum made me wear 'them.'

 

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" on his feet again.

 

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"

 

He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's".

 

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

 

 

 

 

[DonB]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

 

The barman looks at him and says,

 

 

"Hang on! You're a duck."

 

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

 

"And you can talk!"

Exclaims the barman.

 

"I see your ears are working, too,"

Says the duck.

 

 

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

 

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

 

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

 

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round

this way?"

 

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

 

"I'm a plasterer."

 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,

but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and

proceeds to read it.

 

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the

barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks.

 

Then one day the circus comes to town.

 

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

 

 

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be

just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,

reads the newspaper and everything!"

 

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

 

"Get him to give me a call."

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

 

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really

good money."

 

 

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"

 

 

"At the circus," Says the barman.

 

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

 

"That's right," Replies the barman.

 

"The circus?" The duck asks again. with the big tent?"

 

 

"Yeah," the barman replies.

 

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in

caravans?" says the duck.

 

"Of course," the barman replies.

 

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the

middle?" persists the duck.

 

"That's right!" says the barman.

 

 

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

"What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!"

[St. Simon]

Hi,

 

This one seems pretty apt for the current climate:

 

NHS REFORM

 

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister

David Cameron's health care proposals.

 

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not

to make any rash moves.

 

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

 

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

 

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said,

"Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through it.

 

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT

specialists would not hear of it.

The Physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic

Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

 

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were

pissed off at the very idea.

 

The Anaesthetists thought the whole scheme was a gas, and the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

 

Simon

 

 

 

[Shamouti Ben Yafo]

Well, since some of this reads like Zen, here follows an homage to the 1970s series 'Kung Fu':

 

"Grasshopper."

"Yes... Master."

"Grasshopper; you will have learned... When you can cross the rice paper without leaving a mark."

"Yes, master."

 

"Master?"

"Yes, Grasshopper?"

"When I can cross the rice paper without leaving a mark... I will have learned what?"

"You will have learned, Grasshopper, to wash your great, plodding Gweilo feet before entering my clean chamber."

[steve1]

Does someone who models monorails have a one track mind?

 

steve