The Forum Jokes Thread

[andytrains]

 

Edited September 14, 2016 by andytrains

[PhilJ W]

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/09/15/best-viz-letters/

[Jinty3f]

Odin and Thor had argued about which of them was the most virile, and set off to Earth to find a couple of willing maidens. Thor found a nice young Viking girl, who didn't waste time talking, and all night long, time after time, Thor kept on, without stopping, until the girl was so happy and exhausted, she could go no more. The following morning, realising that the girl would be well impressed at making love to a god, he decided it would only be polite to introduce himself, and with a big grin, he said, "Good morning, I'm Thor!" "You're Thor!" she exclaimed, "You think YOU'RE Thor? Lithen mate, I'm tho Thor, I can hardly pith!"

[andytrains]

Odin and Thor had argued about which of them was the most virile, and set off to Earth to find a couple of willing maidens. Thor found a nice young Viking girl, who didn't waste time talking, and all night long, time after time, Thor kept on, without stopping, until the girl was so happy and exhausted, she could go no more. The following morning, realising that the girl would be well impressed at making love to a god, he decided it would only be polite to introduce himself, and with a big grin, he said, "Good morning, I'm Thor!" "You're Thor!" she exclaimed, "You think YOU'RE Thor? Lithen mate, I'm tho Thor, I can hardly pith!"

You would be fooking thor if you had been fooked by a class 47, odingly enough!

[Tom D]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a super athlete who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

 

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

 KA-BLOOEY!

 

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!”

 

 So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

 The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

 "Mom"  he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"

 "I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says."You are not my son!"

 "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

 

 "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"

[Dagworth]

I'm reading a very compelling book written by a vet who was unable to give a pet a lethal injection. 

.

.

I couldn't put it down.

[Sidecar Racer]

[raymw]

 I was out with two mates, Harry and Tom.

We was all killed in an accident and went up to heaven. 

We was met by St peter and told, just wander around heaven

and enjoy yourselves but whatever you do, don't step on the ducks.

We went in and there was ducks everywhere,  it was very difficult

not to step on them.

All went well for two weeks but Harry eventually stepped on one.

St Peter turned up with a really ugly hag of a woman and chained

her to Hary saying that's your punishment for stepping on a duck.

Another two weeks past when Tom stepped on a duck.

St Peter turned up and chained another ugly woman to him saying

that's how you'll remain for all eternity for stepping on a duck.

Well, I thought, I'm not having any of that so was axtra careful not to

staep on any ducks. 

Another eight months passed and I didn't step on a single duck.

I was realy enjoying myself when one day St Peter turned up with

a realy beautiful woman and chained her to me.

I said, WOW, I wonder what I have done to deserve this ?

The woman said, I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck.

[Budgie]

Due to Low profit margins Marks & Spencers are to merge with Poundstretcher. The new stores will be called StretchMarks!

[Dave47549]

.

Edited October 4, 2021 by Dave47549
Removed pointless guff

[cromptonnut]

Fortunately, Marks never got round to merging with this lot:

 

http://www.theskids.com/skids-shop

 

Apparently before they became the Boomtown Rats, they were called Mark Skid and the Y Fronts.

[Sidecar Racer]

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.

 

I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

 

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my

clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and

Internet.

 

I went to the gym, the pool and the library.  I was working

on my MBA on-line.  I had no bills and no debt.  I even had full medical

coverage."

 

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol?

Divorce?"

 

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.

 

 

 

"No, no. I got out of prison."

[RJS1977]

Due to Low profit margins Marks & Spencers are to merge with Poundstretcher. The new stores will be called StretchMarks!

 

Did someone say Marx & Spencer?

 

[andytrains]

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.

 

I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

 

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my

clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and

Internet.

 

I went to the gym, the pool and the library.  I was working

on my MBA on-line.  I had no bills and no debt.  I even had full medical

coverage."

 

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol?

Divorce?"

 

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.

 

 

 

"No, no. I got out of prison."

We need a too near to real life button!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dagworth]

The rumour on Wall Street yesterday was that 3M was going to merge with Goodyear.  The new company?

 

MMM-Good!

But the merger will take 3years

 

A

[ikks]

 

 

Subject:

: "60 Years Together"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
 
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad .I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you. “It’s nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."
 
Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
 
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

 

  

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bast*rds?"

 

"Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too . . ." 

 

 

 

This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software.
www.avast.com

Edited September 25, 2016 by ikks

[Sidecar Racer]

[peanuts]

Dear Sir 

 

Channel4tv would like to thank you for subbmitting your wifes details for our forthcoming documentry and the charming picture you enclose with her application

 

However we would like to point out the the title of the documentary was "fact hunt"

 

 

regards Chanel4 tv 

[DavidBird]

Following on from the previous one...  Sky news reporter just saying what we're all thinking....

https://video-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t42.1790-2/14526304_1796368283940635_4785343778271526912_n.mp4?efg=eyJybHIiOjYwMywicmxhIjo1MTIsInZlbmNvZGVfdGFnIjoidjNfNDI2X2NyZl8yM19tYWluXzMuMF9zZCJ9&rl=603&vabr=335&oh=ee9f95e6635149a2c1416fccea09efda&oe=57EDB366

Edited September 29, 2016 by DavidBird

[Colin_McLeod]

Following on from the previous one...  Sky news reporter just saying what we're all thinking....

https://video-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t42.1790-2/14526304_1796368283940635_4785343778271526912_n.mp4?efg=eyJybHIiOjYwMywicmxhIjo1MTIsInZlbmNvZGVfdGFnIjoidjNfNDI2X2NyZl8yM19tYWluXzMuMF9zZCJ9&rl=603&vabr=335&oh=ee9f95e6635149a2c1416fccea09efda&oe=57EDB366

Link does not work

[DavidBird]

Link does not work

 

Apologies for that.  Chris P Bacon and Two_Sugars (at least) got to see it.  It must have been taken down for using rude words when getting the name of our wonderful Health Secretary slightly mixed up.  I intended to check this morning if I could detect any sign of it being doctored.

 

It is still on the "Emergency Services Humour" FB page here https://www.facebook.com/EmergencyServicesHumour/?hc_ref=PAGES_TIMELINE&fref=nf

scroll down to 28th September 15:40 post and look for the TV screenshot of Sky News

 

Edited, added link to FB

Edited September 30, 2016 by DavidBird

[Sidecar Racer]

[cromptonnut]

Apologies for that.  Chris P Bacon and Two_Sugars (at least) got to see it.  It must have been taken down for using rude words when getting the name of our wonderful Health Secretary slightly mixed up.  I intended to check this morning if I could detect any sign of it being doctored.

 

It is still on the "Emergency Services Humour" FB page here https://www.facebook.com/EmergencyServicesHumour/?hc_ref=PAGES_TIMELINE&fref=nf

scroll down to 28th September 15:40 post and look for the TV screenshot of Sky News

 

Edited, added link to FB

 

Reminds me a bit of this older video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVYhCBVKfW8

[EHertsGER]

A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me out. I have a really difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t work out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “ The picture on the box, shows a rooster.”

When her boyfriend arrives he finds she has spread the pieces all over the table.

He glances at the pieces, then takes hold of the box and says:

“Firstly you daft bint, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to make these pieces into anything that even slightly resembles a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly dearest, I want you to take a deep breath, and then…..” (as he tries to stifle a snigger),

“We will put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”

[Colin_McLeod]

The boyfriend should have tried harder.

 

https://www.google.it/search?q=mrs+browns+boys+cornflake+jigsaw&prmd=ivmn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjUiqWdsrrPAhWLfRoKHdJ7D28Q_AUIBygB&biw=360&bih=512#imgrc=tp-xCSmdDQsiAM%3A