The Forum Jokes Thread

[Brush47337]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo..........?

 

 

The Hippo is a great big HEAVY animal..............

 

 

 

The Zippo is a little LIGHTER

 

(please don't groan - "dad jokes" are an art form)

[NorthBrit]

[luckymucklebackit]

Breaking news ! Police have arrested two muslim fundamentalists in a speedboat heading at speed down the Thames toward the barrier. Security forces think it could be the start of ram a dam

 

2 Catholics stopped speeding in the other direction under suspicion since boat seemed stolen. Turns out it was Lent

Edited June 11, 2017 by luckymucklebackit

[Dagworth]

Ah yes, the old joke about the man granted one wish by the Genie, so he wished that his Gentleman's Sausage would touch the floor.

 

So the Genie took the man's legs off.

Two chaps standing boasting about their size while having a pee by a river

 

First man: "This water's cold"

second man: "And deep"

 

Andi

[Budgie]

A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Donald said, “OK, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five pounds a piece and made a profit of £2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five quid back.”

[peanuts]

talking to a guy from Belfast tuther day told me he was member of the lemon order

surley you mean orange order i replied

nah mate were a lot more bitter than them

[PhilJ W]

A country girl goes to the big city to make her fortune. About a year later she comes home to visit her mum wearing a very expensive mink coat. Her mother asks 'Where did you get that mink coat?' 'I won it at bingo.' she replied. A few months later the girl paid another visit to her mother this time she arrived in a brand new and very expensive sports car. Her mother asked 'Where did you get that car?' to which the daughter replied 'I won it at bingo.' A further few months went by and the girl again visited her mother, this time festooned with diamonds and gold, her mother asked where they came from and received the same answer. Later that evening the mother offered to run a bath for the daughter and when the daughter was about to get into the bath she realised that there was only a quarter of an inch of water in the bath. She asked her mother 'Why is there only a quarter of an inch of water in the bath?' to which came the reply 'Well you don't want to get your bingo card wet do you?'

[peanuts]

SENIORS & COMMPUTERS (yes its sunday smiles time)

 

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:.............................................ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little head.

[faulcon1]

 

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

 

I've heard that shouted "The end of the world is nigh, vengeance is mine, and a little bit of what you fancy does you good".

[PhilJ W]

A missionary is sent to a village in Africa and when he gets there he discovers that the village is entirely occupied by men, there is not a woman to be seen anywhere. After a few days his curiousity gets the better of him and he asks the chief what the men did when they needed sex. The chief then showed him a donkey tied up behind one of the huts and told the missionary that this was for the men who felt the urge for sex. A few weeks later the missionary was feeling a bit frisky so he went to the donkey and started giving it a good rogering. Whilst he was doing so he looked up and saw the villagers watching him curiously. He then asked the chief isn't that what the villagers do, the chief answered "No, we get on the donkey and ride to the womens village."

[Jamiel]

Sorry if this has been shared before, but it didn't come up on a word search.

[Budgie]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,

Honey Bear

P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

[cromptonnut]

SENIORS & COMMPUTERS (yes its sunday smiles time)

 

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:.............................................ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little ###### head.

 

It's also known as a PICNIC fault.

 

Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.

[Jamiel]

While on the subject of computers.

Q. How many computer software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Can't be done, hardware problem!

[luckymucklebackit]

And we are off on Light-bulb jokes....

 

Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb ? 
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

 

or

 

How they change the light bulbs in the original Star Trek

Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead.

Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives.

Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.

Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.

Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry.

Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. Al .

The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

Edited June 20, 2017 by luckymucklebackit

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[APOLLO]

Another dog joke

 

 

Brit15

[NorthBrit]

I'm not saying I cannot get a date, but the last time I was anyone's type was when I was giving blood.

[tomparryharry]

Well, I've just entered my best-ever time at a marathon.

 

Snickers Bars are getting smaller these days.....

[PhilJ W]

A married couple were playing golf when the wife sliced a shot and the ball went through the open window of a house and shattered a vase. The couple knocked on the door of the house and it was opened by a small wizened old man wearing a turban. When they explained what had happened the old man invited them in and explained that he was a genie and the vase that they shattered had been his prison for 500 years. As he could grant three wishes he said he would grant one each to the husband and wife and keep one for himself. This they agreed to, the husband asked to become such a great golfer that no one could beat him, the genie then granted the wish. The wife then asked for an income of $1 million per month, this was also granted. The genie then said that his wish was to have sex with the wife, they ummed and arred about it but when the genie pointed out that all wishes would otherwise be null and void they agreed. After having sex with the wife the genie asked her how old were they, the wife said "Where both 31.", the genie answered "And you still believe in genies?"

[Jamiel]

An attractive and particularly large breasted young lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

 

After examining her the doctor politely commented ‘You have particularly impressive breasts, would you mind if I weighed them?’

 

The young lady was a little surprised, but smiled and said ‘Of course not’.

 

The doctor took a step back and said ‘Wwwwaahhhheeeeeeyyyyyy.’

[cromptonnut]

Well, I've just entered my best-ever time at a marathon.

 

Snickers Bars are getting smaller these days.....

 

I recently got one of these "14 day diet plans" where it all comes in a box and everything is weighed out for you ready to prepare.

 

Load of rubbish.  It only took me 3 hours to eat the lot.  No way would that take someone 14 days.

[raymw]

.

[28XX]

PEBKAC!

 

(problem exists between keyboard and chair)

AMITO

 

(Animal more intelligent than owner)

[Wacol]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"