The Forum Jokes Thread

[NorthBrit]

Women are like teabags.

 

 

 

 

We don't know their true strength until we are in hot water.

Edited December 8, 2017 by NorthBrit

[leopardml2341]

Plus side of having insomnia, only 5 sleeps 'til Christmas :D

[RJS1977]

Paddy decides to be the first Irishman to row across the Atlantic.

 

Half way across he gives up and rows back.

 

My great-great uncle and aunt were staying in Llandudno many years ago and decided to go for a walk round the bottom of the Great Orme.  After a while, Auntie started to flag, but Uncle told her "Not far now, just round the next bend and we're back where we started." When they'd gone round the corner, they still weren't back. "Just round the next one," said Uncle. No, not that one, or the one after, or the one after that. Eventually they decided to turn round and go back the way they came.

 

The following day, they caught a bus round the Great Orme - and discovered that the point where they turned back *was* just around the corner from their starting point!

[Stanley Melrose]

No need for any DNA testing then - you are of Irish descent - as I am - at least one quarter anyway.

 

And just for Mr Downes, "Why are Irish jokes so simplistic?"

 

So that the English can understand them!

 

Stan

 

My great-great uncle and aunt were staying in Llandudno many years ago and decided to go for a walk round the bottom of the Great Orme.  After a while, Auntie started to flag, but Uncle told her "Not far now, just round the next bend and we're back where we started." When they'd gone round the corner, they still weren't back. "Just round the next one," said Uncle. No, not that one, or the one after, or the one after that. Eventually they decided to turn round and go back the way they came.

 

The following day, they caught a bus round the Great Orme - and discovered that the point where they turned back *was* just around the corner from their starting point!

[peanuts]

My mate works for the Royal Mail, and part of his job is to process all the mail that has illegible addresses. One day last week, a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting, to Father Christmas. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and it read:

Dear Father Christmas,

I am a 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100.00 in it, which was all the money I have until my next pension money. In a couple of Sunday's it is Christmas, and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? I could really do with you delivering anything before Xmas Day.

Sincerely, Edna

My mate was touched so he showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96.00, which they put into an envelope and delivered in the post the next day to the woman. He told me all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done. Then a few days ago, another letter came from the old lady, to Father Christmas again. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear Father Christmas,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you have done for me? Because of your gift of love, I am now able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. I'm sure we'll all have a very nice day and I've told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those in' thieving at the Royal Mail ... yours sincerely Edna.

[PhilJ W]

My mate works for the Royal Mail, and part of his job is to process all the mail that has illegible addresses. One day last week, a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting, to Father Christmas. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and it read:

Dear Father Christmas,

I am a 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100.00 in it, which was all the money I have until my next pension money. In a couple of Sunday's it is Christmas, and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? I could really do with you delivering anything before Xmas Day.

Sincerely, Edna

My mate was touched so he showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96.00, which they put into an envelope and delivered in the post the next day to the woman. He told me all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done. Then a few days ago, another letter came from the old lady, to Father Christmas again. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear Father Christmas,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you have done for me? Because of your gift of love, I am now able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. I'm sure we'll all have a very nice day and I've told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those ######in' thieving ###### at the Royal Mail ... yours sincerely Edna.

That one's got more whiskers on it than Santa Claus.

[Coryton]

That one's got more whiskers on it than Santa Claus.

 

Still funny though.

[kevinlms]

Still funny though.

Certainly better than traditional Christmas Cracker jokes! They seem to be somewhat popular this time of year.

[allan downes]

No need for any DNA testing then - you are of Irish descent - as I am - at least one quarter anyway.

 

And just for Mr Downes, "Why are Irish jokes so simplistic?"

 

So that the English can understand them!

 

Stan

It's not just the Irish Stanley !

 

I once took my wife shopping to Tescos and while she was shopping I went down the Magazine aisle telling her to meet up again outside by the car.

 

Anyway, armed with a copy of every girlie magazine in the racks I drove home to read them when I was rudely interupted by the telephone ringing.

 

"What !"

 

"I can't find the car because it's at home with you !"

 

"Well of course it is. where else would it be ! Anyway,where the hell are you ?" I enquiered angringly as I was just about to turn to a center page spread.

 

"In Teso's car park. Where do you think you bloody moron !!"

 

Yep, it ain't just the Irish Stanley.

Edited December 9, 2017 by allan downes

[Alex TM]

Hi everyone,

 

True story time:  I have just been asked if our local church is having a service on Christmas Day; I responded in the affirmative.  I was then asked on what date.  I replied, thinking the questioner was joking with me, that it was the same date as last year.  The response was - how do you expect me to remember when Christmas was as far back as a year ago?

 

Not a joke - but it did leave me both laughing and crying.

 

Regards,

 

Alex.

[Alex TM]

Certainly better than traditional Christmas Cracker jokes! They seem to be somewhat popular this time of year.

Funny, but I think it was the same last year too.

[Sidecar Racer]

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Father O'Grady after Mass. He says "So what is bothering you?"

 

She replies: Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My Husband passed away last night."

 

The priest says: Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"

 

"Certainly Father, she replied. He said: "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."

[luckymucklebackit]

Hi everyone,

 

True story time:  I have just been asked if our local church is having a service on Christmas Day; I responded in the affirmative.  I was then asked on what date.  I replied, thinking the questioner was joking with me, that it was the same date as last year.  The response was - how do you expect me to remember when Christmas was as far back as a year ago?

 

Not a joke - but it did leave me both laughing and crying.

 

Regards,

 

Alex.

 

That's what you get for bringing religion into Christmas Alex

 

Jim

[Alex TM]

Hi Jim,

 

That's a theological debate all of its own!

 

Regards,

 

Alex.

[Colin_McLeod]

That would be an ecumenical matter.

[Dick Turpin]

Some terrible jokes on here lately. Almost as bad as:

 

I'll remember my father's last words - f*ck me a bus!

[peanuts]

my wife has spent the whole of this snow storm watching through the window do you think i should let her back in the house now ?

[peanuts]

A vicar gets on a train. In his carriage is a group of five fine looking young ladies.

To break the ice, the vicar offers round his bag of Werther's Original and then asks, "So, what do you young ladies do?"

"We do panto. We're currently starring in Dick Whittington!" reply the girls.

"That's fabulous. Which parts do you take?"

The first lady says, "I take the part of the cat."

The second lady continues, "I take the part of Buttons."

"Really?" asks the vicar. "Who takes Dick?"

"Well, I do ... " says the third girl, " ... but it'll cost you a lot more than a in' Werther's Original!"

 

 

Like

[AndrewC]

Reminds me of this dinosaur of a joke. 

 

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep like grandad. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. 

[allan downes]

Three ducks approach a guy sitting on a park bench.

 

"'Mornin" they all quacked in perfect harmony.

 

"Good grief, ducks that can talk" marveled the guy "So what's your name ?" he asked the first duck.

 

"George" replied the duck " And I like going in and out of puddles.

 

"So do I" volunteered the second duck "And my name is Walter"

 

"And what's your name?" he asked the third duck.

 

"I'ts Puddles " said the third duck "And I'm thoroughly pissed off with those two "

Edited December 11, 2017 by allan downes

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[Mike Storey]

Indeed. Indicators and brakes are apparently optional extras on BMW's, Audi's and Peugeot 305's. Very frugal.

[cklammer]

Quite the opposite: At least BMWs are having automatically flashing head lights once they get to be within 5 cm of the stern of your car!

Edited December 11, 2017 by cklammer

[allan downes]

 

A helpful bloke in a Ferrari is towing a Reliant three wheeler that broke down on the motorway.

 

After an hour or so he forgot all about the Reliant and, doing a 130mph plus, he tore past a parked police car.

 

"Christ mate ! Did you see that !!" he asked his co-driver "Lets nick the dangerous bastard !" he added.

 

"What, the Ferrari ?" asked his mate " No, the idiot in the Reliant that's trying to overtake him !"

[PhilJ W]

A helpful bloke in a Ferrari is towing a Reliant three wheeler that broke down on the motorway.

 

After an hour or so he forgot all about the Reliant and, doing a 130mph plus, he tore past a parked police car.

 

"Christ mate ! Did you see that !!" he asked his co-driver "Lets nick the dangerous bastard !" he added.

 

"What, the Ferrari ?" asked his mate " No, the idiot in the Reliant that's trying to overtake him !"

Being so light the Reliant three wheelers could reach a good turn of speed, eventually. One was stopped on the M11 a few years back doing 100mph, the driver said he was to scared to use the brakes.