The Forum Jokes Thread

[travelintrev]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

 

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

 

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

 

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

 

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

 

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

 

"For about 60 years."

 

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

 

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

 

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

 

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

 

"And how do you feel, Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

 

"It's like talking to a ******* brick wall."

[steve1]

Stop press:

 

 

 

Aircraft grounded at Manchester airport due to ash cloud.

 

Man City apologises, they said the trophy cabinet had to be opened sometime.

 

steve

[Taz]

It's hard to find what you want on Ebay.

 

I searched for lighters and found 15,000 matches!

[Taz]

The wife came out of the bathroom after her shower, stark naked and walked into the bedroom.

 

She said to me "Babe, shut the curtains. I don't want the neighbours to see me naked."

 

"Don't worry" I replied, "if the neighbours see you naked, they'll pull their own bloomin' curtains!"

[travelintrev]

GET OUT OF CAR...I'VE GOT A GUN!

 

From the police log in Sarasota, Florida.....

 

An elderly Florida lady had finished shopping and upon

 

returning to her car, found several males in the act

 

of leaving with her vehicle.

 

She dropped her bags a pulled out a handgun

 

and screamed at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!"

 

The men didn't wait for a second threat.

 

They got out and ran like mad.

 

The lady somewhat shaken, put bags in the back

 

then got into the driver's seat.

 

She was so shaken she could not get her key into the ignition,

 

She tried and she tried and then she realized why.

 

It was for the same reason she had wondered

 

why there was a football, a frisbee

 

and 2 packs of beer in the front seat.

 

A few minutes later she found her own

 

car parked a few stalls down.

 

She loaded her stuff into the right car and drove

 

to the police station to report her mistake.

 

The sergeant to whom she told the story

 

to couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to to the other

 

end of the counter,

 

where 4 pale men were reporting a car jacking

 

by a mad, elderly woman.

 

No charges were laid.

 

The Moral Of The Story?

 

If you're gonna' have a senior moment

 

make it a memorable one!

[DonB]

Overheard in the school playground, between two 9-year olds:-

 

Child A:- (assumed to be dyslectic) " I had tests and I'm not dyslectic".

 

Child B:- " I'd keep quiet about that, or people will think you are just stupid"

 

Can't kids be cruel!!

[Tom D]

A small island off the coast of Scotland has 200 inhabitants, whose spiritual well being is cared for by a Vicar and a Priest. These gentlemen get around the island on bicycles.

 

 

One day the Vicar is cycling down the road, and sees the Priest walking toward him. He stops and asks the Priest where’s your bike? The Priest replies, somebody stole it! The Vicar responds, I don’t believe it, we know everyone on this island, and no one here would steal your bike! Well says the Priest, when I woke up this morning it wasn’t there!

 

 

I have a solution, says the Vicar, when you preach this Sunday’s sermon, preach the Ten Commandments, when you get to the Commandment “Thou shalt not steal†stop and look around the congregation, the guilty person will be so overcome by guilt that they will return the bike!

 

 

That’s a good idea says the Priest I’ll do it.

 

 

The next Monday the Vicar is cycling down the road, and sees the Priest cycling toward him. He stops and says, so the sermon worked, you got your bike back. After a fashion says the Priest. What do you mean says the Vicar?

 

 

Well I started preaching the Ten Commandments, but when I got to “Thou shalt not commit adulteryâ€, I remembered where I left my bike!

 

 

 

[AndrewC]

1 liners:

 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £3.20 in her purse.

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum! Do you think I should change dentists?

 

Wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not ****ing listening.

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

 

[shortliner]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

[luckymucklebackit]

There's a guy in our village who rides up and down on a tractor saying "the end of the world is nigh".

It's Farmer Geddon.

 

I hear that their making a film about a footballer who takes out a super injunction to stop a welsh girl revealing their six month ,it's going to be called Saving Ryan's Privates.

 

Today is the 30th anniversary of bob marley's death and my local 02 shop had a Bob Marley day so I went along to upgrade from pay as you go to a contract phone.

 

"I got the tariff but I didnt get the texts for free"

 

Jim

[Guest dilbert]

The first image of a brain scan performed recently on Dominique Strauss Kahn (or maybe it was Ryan Giggs ?) ...

 

 

[skipepsi]

Or any other Man?

[sir douglas]

bow down to lord inglip, the only god that will communicate through recaptcha. http://www.inglips.com/

 

[QRModeller]

Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?

A: A Problem.

 

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?

A: An even bigger problem.

 

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?

A: Problem solved

 

 

Q: What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?

A: No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!

 

 

Q: What do Chelsea keepers and Singer Michael Jackson both have in common?

A: Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

 

 

Q: What does Claudi Ranieri say when Chelsea score?

A: Fantastic. Now let us try to get goal at other end of pitch.

 

 

Q: What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?

A: The tea stays in the cup longer!

 

 

Q: Why did God make Arsenal supporters smelly?

A: So blind people could laugh at them too!

 

Q: What do you say to a Gunners supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?

A: Nice tattoo

 

 

Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

 

 

Q: How can you tell a level headed Liverpool supporter?

A: He dribbles from both sides of his mouth - at the same time.

 

Matt.

 

P.S. sorry if some of these have already been posted, I didn't want to read through 17 pages!!

[Diesel Dayz]

My wife kept breaking the washing machine so I divorced her. It's true what they say.

''Washing machines live longer with cow gone''

[travelintrev]

Apologies if this has been on before, but as a practical engineer it rings true!

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced

> altitude and spotted a man below.

>

> She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me?

>

> I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know

> where I am".

>

>

> The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering

> approximately 30 feet above the ground.

>

> You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and

> 60 degrees west longitude".

>

>

>

> "You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist. "I am" replied the

> man "how did you know?"

>

>

> "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is

> probably technically correct,

>

> but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is,

> I'm still lost.

>

> Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've

> delayed my trip with your talk."

>

>

> The man below responded "You must be in management".

>

>

>

> "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

>

>

>

> "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're

> going. You have risen to where you are,

>

> due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which

> you've no idea how to keep,

>

> and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

>

> The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before

> we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

>

[Andrew33103]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

 

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

 

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

 

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

 

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

 

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

 

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his be er, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

 

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

 

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

 

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

 

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

 

'That's right,' replies the barman.

 

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

 

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

 

'With all the animals who live i

n

cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

 

'Of course,' the barman replies.

 

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

 

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .

.

 

.

.

 

.

.

'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

[Andrew33103]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

'Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

 

 

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

 

Love

 

your son Joshua.

 

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

 

[DonB]

Would You marry Again? - Priceless

 

 

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

 

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married

Again?"

 

HUSBAND:

"Definitely not!"

 

WIFE: "Why not?

Don't you like being married?"

 

HUSBAND: "Of

course I do.."

 

WIFE: "Then why

wouldn't you remarry? "

 

HUSBAND: "Okay,

okay, I'd get married again."

 

WIFE: "You

would?" (with a hurt look)

 

HUSBAND: (makes

audible groan)

 

WIFE: "Would

you live in our house?"

 

HUSBAND: "Sure,

it's a great house."

 

WIFE: "Would

you sleep with her in our bed?"

 

HUSBAND: "Where

else would we sleep?"

 

WIFE: "Would

you let her drive my car?"

 

HUSBAND:

"Probably, it is almost new."

 

WIFE: "Would

you replace my pictures with hers?"

 

HUSBAND: "That

would seem like the proper thing to do."

 

WIFE: "Would

you give her my jewelry?"

 

HUSBAND: "No, I'm

sure she'd want her own."

 

WIFE: "Would

you take her golfing with you?

 

HUSBAND: "Yes,

those are always good times."

 

WIFE: "Would

she use my clubs?

 

HUSBAND: "No,

she's left-handed."

 

WIFE: --

silence --

 

HUSBAND:

"damn."

[shortliner]

A little girl walked to and from school daily.

 

Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming,

she made her daily trek to school.

 

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

 

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter

 

would be frightened as she walked home from school.

She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Full of concern, the mother got into her car

and quickly drove along the route to her child's school.

As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.

More lighting followed quickly and with each,

the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother drew up beside the child,

she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?"

The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty

because God keeps taking my picture."

 

[DonB]

>Subj: The church organist - Brilliant!!!

 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

 

 

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness.

 

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

 

 

 

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

 

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

 

 

 

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

 

 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiousness about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

 

 

 

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

 

 

 

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place

it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

[trainsandco]

A very avid wasp collector went into a record shop just for a casual browse, and suddenly he spotted a record - The symphonies of small Black and Yellow insects - He could not believe his luck! So he asked the store owner if he could have a listen, so he did, They played the first track and he thought, no, this doesn't sound like a wasp, so he put it onto the next track, and again he thought this doesn't sound like a wasp so the store owner to change the track again, and again he replied no, thats not a wasp, so with his hopes fading, the store owner suddenly realises! It was on the B-Side!

 

 

Why didn't the hedgehog cross the road?

If the Zebra didn't make it, what were the chances of a hedgehog?

 

 

An English man who was very interested in European Dogs was driving around, when all of a sudden he noticed a dog shop with a dog sitting in the front, with a sign saying, Netherlands Dog for Sale - Good Price, ask inside. so he suddenly stopped the car and very quickly went over to the shop, got out of his car and took his wallet and went to buy the dog. When he got into the shop he walked straight up to the counter and ask how much it was, and he replied with a very high price, all of a sudden he started to worry about how 'pure' the dog was, so he asked - HOW DUTCH IS THAT MOGGY IN THE WINDOW!

 

Well, Bob Smith had forgotten his Wedding Anniversary, and Mrs. Smith was Furious. AFTER 40 YEARS YOU STILL CANT REMEMBER OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, YOU CAN BE SUCH A DISGRACE TO ME AT TIME, I WONDER WHY I MARRIED YOU SOMETIMES. TOMORROW MORNING THERE BETTER BE SOMETHING ON THE DRIVEWAY THAT DOES 0-200 IN 3 SECONDS!!

 

Well that night Bob slept on the sofa, in the morning Mrs. Smith woke up and looked out the window onto the driveway, where there was a large cardboard box. Mrs. Smith put her dressing gown on and went to investigate, she opened the box, and to her surprise was a brand new set of bathroom scales. Bob hasn't been seen since the night before.

 

That's yer lot for now from me!

 

Ben

[AndrewC]

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman

sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so

gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline

does she work for?"

 

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said,

"Love to fly and it shows?"

 

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately

thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.

 

A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head.

He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

 

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked

himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.

 

Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

 

This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the

f*** do you want?"

 

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh,

Air Canada".

[travelintrev]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

 

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

 

So God saw it was good

 

 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

 

And God , again saw it was good

 

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

 

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

 

And God agreed it was good

 

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

 

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

 

"Okay," said God "You asked for it."

 

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[DonB]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

 

 

Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery'.

 

'What's dat?', says his mate.

 

'Send me lawn away to be cut', says Paddy.