RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted July 29, 2011 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted July 29, 2011 Don't forget, there are three kinds of people in this world, Those that can count, And those that can't! This reminds me that there are 10 types of people. Those who understand binary counting and those who don't 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dilbert Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 An oldie but goldie ... A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard - here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, " What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish". Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QRModeller Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Killing time at department stores/supermarkets. What to do when your partner/friend/spouse is taking their sweet time: 1. Get 24 packets of tampons/condoms and randomly put them in peoples' baskets/trolleys when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5min intervals. 3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in Mensware'... and see what happens. 4. Go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of M & M's on Lay-buy. 5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 7. When an employee asks if they can help you, begin to cry and and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'. 8. Look right into a security camera, use it as a mirror and pick you nose. 9. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 10. In the auto department, practice your 'Madonna look' using different size funnels. 11. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!". 12. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal postition and scream "NO! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!!!". (And last but not least!) 13. Go into a fitting room and shut the door. Wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!". Matt. P.S. I have actually done the one where you hide in a clothing rack and got a few amusing reactions... and a painfull one! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 ^^^Ha, ha, ha, ha^^^ Great stuff! Presumably, doing this gets you out of any further 'shopping trip' excursions with said partner! John E. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QRModeller Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Only if said partner finds out about it. :devil: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: "Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa" A few days later he received a letter from his son. "Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie" At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. "Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie" 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Bert and Margaret Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" > Margaret looked him over. "Nope." > Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QRModeller Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 cuckoo clock Why women should avoid a girls night after they are married: The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.†I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!†Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnightâ€. He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock thoughâ€. “When I asked him whyâ€, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “oh shitâ€, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.†1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QRModeller Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. zis mad you smil? 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted August 4, 2011 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted August 4, 2011 Why women should avoid a girls night after they are married: The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.†I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!†Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnightâ€. He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock thoughâ€. “When I asked him whyâ€, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “oh shitâ€, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.†Easier to read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belsay Lad Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 I went to visit my Clairvoyant today but she had a notice on her door - 'Closed due to unforeseen circumstances'! OK (as is the trend in this thread) my coat is already on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted August 6, 2011 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 6, 2011 Why do you never read the headline 'Clairvoyant Wins Lottery' ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Padishar Creel Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 I went to visit my Clairvoyant today but she had a notice on her door - 'Closed due to unforeseen circumstances'! OK (as is the trend in this thread) my coat is already on... erm, Allison Dubois cancelled her Edinburgh appearance due to unforeseen circumstances - no kidding :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted August 7, 2011 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted August 7, 2011 This weeks "Clairvoyant's News" is a good issue, but not a good as next weeks. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QRModeller Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Two muffins are in an oven cooking. One turns to the other and says "Hot enough for ya?" The other one screams "OH MY GOD!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!" Matt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonBradley Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED: > Men Are Just Happier People -- > What do you expect from such simple creatures? > Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. > Wedding plans take care of themselves. > Chocolate is just another snack. > You can be President. > You can never be pregnant. > You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. > You can wear NO shirt to a water park. > Car mechanics tell you the truth. > The world is your urinal. > You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. > > > > > > > > You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. > Same work, more pay. > Wrinkles add character. > Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. > People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. > New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. > One mood all the time. > Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. > You know stuff about tanks. > A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. > You can open all your own jars. > You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. > If someone forgets to invite you, > He or she can still be your friend. > Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. > Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. > You almost never have strap problems in public. > You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. > Everything on your face stays its original color.. > The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. > You only have to shave your face and neck. > You can play with toys all your life. > One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. > You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.. > You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. > You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. > You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives > On December 24 in 25 minutes. > No wonder men are happier. > > > Men Are Just Happier People > 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diesel Dayz Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 A little kid just said to me ''Whats your favourite Telly Tubby?'' I replied ''Probably the Samsung 42 inch flatscreen, ya cheeky little b****r!'' A hooker told me I could have sex with her for £10 as she didn't have a womb. I asked how we would do it then? She replied acwoss the woad against the wailings. I'll never forget the pain I felt on the day that my wife was killed by a lion. I pulled a muscle pushing her into the enclosure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 16, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 16, 2011 My Dentist has a sense of humour Yesterday, I went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. He took out a needle to give me a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!", I said. The Dentist then started to hook up the laughing gas and I immediately objected. "I can't do the gas thing either; having a gas mask on will suffocate me!” The Dentist then asked me if I had any objection to taking a pill. "No objection", I said. "I'm fine with pills". The Dentist then returned and said, "Here's a Viagra tablet". I was totally at a loss for words and said in amazement, "WOW! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth." . - 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles!" Edited August 16, 2011 by shortliner 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 16, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 16, 2011 Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh? “I did!” sobbed Johnny. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 19, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 19, 2011 A major steel company feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a man leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the man, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the man $1600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that lay-about did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery boy from Pizza Hut." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 21, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 21, 2011 In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass. "It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels." "Correct." A third glass. ''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father!” _________________ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 21, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 21, 2011 Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ? 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months vacation and five good leads.' 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted August 21, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 21, 2011 There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brush47337 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 A man is walking into the woods when out from the trees comes a huge big bear. They stop and stare at each other ....... then the bear waves it's paw under it's nose and says "i'd give it 5 minutes if I were you.....!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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