The Forum Jokes Thread

[QRModeller]

Ooey Gooey was a worm,

A big fat worm was he.

He sat upon the railway track,

A train he did not see.

The train came roaring round the bend

The driver gave a squeal,

The guard got out his pocket knife

And scraped him off the wheel.

 

 

Hickory, dickory dock,

Two mice ran up the clock.

The clock struck one,

And the other one got away.

 

 

Simple Simon met a pieman,

Going to a fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pieman,

'What have you got there?'

'Pies stupid!'

 

 

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,

Eatin his Christmas Pie.

He stuck in his thumb,

And pulled out a plum,

And squirted the juice in his eye.

 

 

Ding, ######, dell,

######'s in the well.

If you don't believe me,

Go and have a smell.

 

 

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

 

 

Mary had a little chook,

She kept it in a bucket.

'Cause every time she let it out,

The rooster used to pluck it.

 

 

Roses are red,

Emeralds are green,

My face is funny,

But yours is a scream.

 

 

Daisy, Daisy, where is Uncle Jim?

He's in the bathtub learning how to swim.

First he does the breaststroke,

Then he does the dive.

Over goes the bathtub,

With Uncle Jim inside.

 

 

Matt.

Edited October 16, 2011 by QRModeller

[DonB]

TOO MUCH WINE

 

 

I would like to share with you an experience that I had recently regarding drinking and driving.

 

As you would know, many of us have had brushes with the law on our way home before.

 

Well, I for one have done something about it.

 

The other night I was out for dinner and a few drinks with some friends.

 

Having had a few too many glasses of wine and knowing full well I was struggling, I did something I've never done before.

 

I took a bus home.......

 

 

 

 

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before.

 

 

[noiseboy72]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

 

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to

putta 5-a people in a Quattro."

 

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

 

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

 

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says

unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons

 

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.

Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are

thereforea breaking tha law."

 

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I

vont to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

 

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2

guys in a Fiat Uno"

But I bet the group in the Saab 9000 had a good laugh though!

[emac]

Made me smile

 

1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.

"Really?" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker... Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,

3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.

"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarf's are not happy.

12. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

14. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

15. I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Edited October 18, 2011 by emac

[shortliner]

Remember that bus-sized satellite that recently was gonna drop on maybe Canada? And,there was "only a 1/3200 chance" that it would injure somebody? Then, NASA announced that it had fallen to earth, but they didn't know where? Well, now you know exactly where it landed and what happened.

 

 

http://wimp.com/nasasatellite/

Edited October 19, 2011 by shortliner

[jbg06003]

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as it comes home, it rushes and makes love to all the 150 hens.

 

The farmer is impressed.

 

At lunch, the cock again services all 150 hens. Farmer gets tense now. Next day, he finds the cock making love to the ducks and the geese.

 

Later, the farmer finds the cock pale, half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, “You deserved it, you horny git!” The cock opens one eye,and says, “Ssshhh. They’re about to land.!

[Sidecar Racer]

Confucius did NOT say

 

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

 

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

 

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

 

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

 

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

 

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

 

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

 

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

 

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

 

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

 

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

 

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

 

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

 

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

 

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

 

 

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. ....

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[AndyB]

I took my duck to a plastic surgeon on Harley Street today. Got one hell of a bill !

[QRModeller]

One day in the spring a blonde went to the park. In the park, there were kids playing Football. She noticed that every kid in the park was playing except for this one boy by himself. At first, she disregarded im but ten minutes later when she looked again, he was still alone. Every time she looked at him and saw him alone she started feeling more and more sorry for him. Eventually, she began debating with herself whether to go talk to the boy and cheer him up. After a couple of minutes she decided to go speak to him. So, she walked to the boy…

“Why are you alone sweetie?”

“What?”

“How come you are here all by yourself, why don’t you go play with the other kids there? Don’t be shy.”

And the boy replied, “What’s wrong with you? I’m a goalie!”

 

 

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new

Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro

is…

“Top O the mornin’ to ya.”

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

“So what are those things, laddie?” asks the attendant.

They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

“And what would ya be usin’ em for, now?” inquires the Irishman.

“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive,” replies Tiger.

“Aw, Jaysus, Mary an’ Joseph!” exclaims the Irish attendant.

“Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything don’t they!.”

 

 

Matt.

[DonB]

A Homeless Man's Funeral

 

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

 

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

Apparently I'm still lost. It's a man thing.

[DonB]

 

 

The Koala........

 

 

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint, when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

 

 

 

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

 

 

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

 

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

 

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

 

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

 

 

'Hey you!'

 

So the koala looked down at him and said,

 

'My God,.......

how much water did you drink!?'

 

 

 

[Brush47337]

I am just back from the gym.

 

They have a brand new machine there - but I could only manage to use it for 30 minutes before feeling sick.

 

It was brilliant though - it does everything. ...........................

.

.

.

Mars Bars..... Crisps........ Snickers....... The lot.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Brush47337

[DonBradley]

Ha Ha Ha. It made me laugh out loud.

Thank you.

[DavidBird]

The barman says "I'm sorry, we don't serve neutrinos!"

...

...

...

A neutrino walks into a bar in Italy.

[Sidecar Racer]

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from

a bottle of Tippex.

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

 

 

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's

group The Monkees.

I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face

 

 

 

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a

couple of Swan Vesta's,

his little face lit up when he tried to walk..

Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his

cage.

 

 

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,

ungrateful bleeders.

All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes

to go to!'

 

 

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's

voice from the kitchen,

'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said ..... 'Thank you luv, I'll have chicken please'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat nasty man, I was talking to

the cat!'

 

 

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a

prawn cocktail.

I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

 

 

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity,

get me out of here!'

Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a

dead Beatle for the last thirty years

 

Top

[Sidecar Racer]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

 

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"

 

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

 

 

 

 

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

 

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

 

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

 

"What's the matter", asked Larry "Giving up?"

 

 

 

 

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

 

She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

 

Larry quickly replied, "BBC1, ITV,, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

 

 

 

 

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

 

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

 

"Yes" said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

 

Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

 

 

 

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

 

After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

 

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

 

Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom .."

[Sidecar Racer]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

 

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

 

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

 

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.

 

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?

 

 

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

[Sidecar Racer]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

 

 

 

Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

 

 

 

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.

 

 

 

"My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.

 

 

 

My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.

 

 

 

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'

[lakeview770]

How do you change a cat in to a dog? pour gas over him and throw a match on him and watch him go WOOF!

 

Some of the car bumper stickers here in the south can be funny at times saw one this summer that said "Dear Mr President please pray for our troops.....especially our snipers"

 

Andrew

[AndrewC]

I have a morbid fear of giants.

 

The experts call it fefiphobia

[AndrewC]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem..'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.

Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

 

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

 

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine...

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads...

First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,

den Seamus parrotshooting...

And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

[coachmann]

Salesman: Are you happy with your double glazed windows?

Young woman : Er, yes.

Salesman : Well why are we still waiting for full payment?

Young woman : Do you think I am stupid?

Salesman : Forgive me, I don't wish to appear rude but it is twelve months since we fitted them.

Young woman : Look, your fast-talkin' sales guy told me that within one year the windows would pay for themselves!

 

Hellloooooo...

[pointstaken]

Not a joke as such, but a rather amusing diatribe against the LBSCR, by E. L. Ahrons

 

http://www.kipling.org.uk/rg_railwayref_ahrons.htm

 

Dennis

[coachmann]

This isn't a joke, its true.

 

coach : Can I have sex with you?

Mrs. coach : No, I want you to put the Christmas tree up.

[Horsetan]

This isn't a joke, its true.

 

coach : Can I have sex with you?

Mrs. coach : No, I want you to put the Christmas tree up.

 

You could have answered that by asking: "Have you seen my Christmas tree when it's up?"