The Forum Jokes Thread

[KeithMacdonald]

21 reasons why English can be so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse any more refuse.
4) Polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead the dog if he got the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to dessert his dessert in the desert.
7) There's no time like the present, so he decided to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I didn't object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to be able to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer pipe.
16) To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind in the sail.
18) After a number of injections by the dentist, my jaw got number.
19) On seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a test on the subject of English.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[PhilJ W]

[J. S. Bach]

1 hour ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 ...snip...
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer pipe.
 ...snip...

I saw this on my was back home one day:

Why not just call a plumber?? 🙃

[Steamport Southport]

Isn't that in Egypt?

 

 

[Dunsignalling]

4 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

21 reasons why English can be so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse any more refuse.
4) Polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead the dog if he got the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to dessert his dessert in the desert.
7) There's no time like the present, so he decided to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I didn't object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to be able to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer pipe.
16) To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind in the sail.
18) After a number of injections by the dentist, my jaw got number.
19) On seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a test on the subject of English.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

But also some of the things that make it fun once you have....

 

[steve1]

On 07/01/2024 at 02:33, The Johnster said:

The Titanic/Olympic conspiracy theory is, to my mind, most interesting because at no point in it's century-plus history has anybody evey commented to the effect of 'no, impossible, that nice JP Morgan would never have been involved in such a terrible and shameful thing!'.  Seems it never happened, but that's because it never occurred to him, not because he wouldn't have done it!

 

Until it appeared here, I had never heard of such a (conspiracy) theory about the Titanic.

 

steve

[steve1]

steve 

 

 

[Hroth]

8 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

21 reasons why English can be so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse any more refuse.
4) Polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead the dog if he got the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to dessert his dessert in the desert.
7) There's no time like the present, so he decided to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I didn't object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to be able to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer pipe.
16) To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind in the sail.
18) After a number of injections by the dentist, my jaw got number.
19) On seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a test on the subject of English.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Some people have too much time, and a thesarus on their hands.

 

Edited January 12 by Hroth

[Compound2632]

57 minutes ago, Hroth said:

Some people have too much time, and a thesarus on their hands.

 

No. 9 only works in North American English and possibly some British dialects. I'd say 'the dove dived into the bushes'. But then there is the River Dove, pronounced as in the bird in its upper reaches but as the North american past participle at Burton. So you can have a dove cooing on the banks of the Dove under Thorpe Cloud or an American who dove into the Dove at Burton.

[proton]

The past tense of dive is dived, not dove....

[Compound2632]

7 minutes ago, proton said:

The past tense of dive is dived, not dove....

 

Dived in British English, but in American English, dove. See my post immediately above!

[Steamport Southport]

Dove is uncommon but still legit

 

Mark dove off the bridge into the river.

 

 

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/dive

[Welchester]

2 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

Dove is uncommon but still legit

 

Mark dove off the bridge into the river.

 

 

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/dive

 

That is, however, an example of American usage. From the same page:

 

Quote

past tense dived or US also dove

 

(my bold)

[PhilJ W]

[Steamport Southport]

1 hour ago, Welchester said:

 

That is, however, an example of American usage. From the same page:

 

 

(my bold)

 

By using the bold you are changing the meaning.

 

Quote

past tense dived or US also dove

 

My bold....

 

That implies that dove is an alternative.

 

I drived all night or I drove all night?

 

https://www.merriam-webster.com/grammar/dived-or-dove-which-is-correct#:~:text=The older past tense of,be aware of regional preference.

 

Dove is a perfectly valid word.

[Welchester]

25 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said:

 

By using the bold you are changing the meaning.

 

 No.

Quote

My bold....

 

That implies that dove is an alternative.

In US English.

Quote

https://www.merriam-webster.com/grammar/dived-or-dove-which-is-correct#:~:text=The older past tense of,be aware of regional preference.

 

Dove is a perfectly valid word.

You're referencing an American source.

 

Fowler's Modern English Usage, rev. Burchfield 1997.

Edited January 12 by Welchester
Added illustration.

[DK123GWR]

Apparently the Young Hegelian critique of religion was motivated by public health concerns. People were picking up injuries getting down to pray. It's bad Feuerbach.

[Steamport Southport]

34 minutes ago, Welchester said:

 No.

In US English.

You're referencing an American source.

 

Fowler's Modern English Usage, rev. Burchfield 1997.

 

Common usage and has been for decades.

 

 

[J. S. Bach]

House - houses

Mouse - mice

Louse - lice

Grouse - grouse

 

Ah, the consistency of the English language!

 

 

 

 

Edited January 12 by J. S. Bach
To add some information

[Compound2632]

27 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said:

Common usage and has been for decades.

 

In west Lancashire dialect? 

 

I've consulted Mrs Compound, aka Lexi, aka the editor of the Oxford Advanced Learners' Dictionary. She says "there are some Americanisms that have crept into British usage but 'dove' is not one of them". This is a view based on the extensive analysis of current English usage by her, and by her colleagues on the Oxford English Dictionary.

[PhilJ W]

Can we get back to the jokes please?

[Welchester]

59 minutes ago, Compound2632 said:

I've consulted Mrs Compound, aka Lexi, aka the editor of the Oxford Advanced Learners' Dictionary.

 

Is that Lexi Con?

[Compound2632]

2 minutes ago, Welchester said:

Is that Lexi Con?

 

No, that's a shopping centre in Bracknell. 

[The Johnster]

Lexi Cographer, surely.  I imagine she's never stuck for words!

[Cowley 47521]

(I apologise in advance for these)

 

I don't know if any of you have

seen the article, but the guy who invented 'predictive text' sadly passed away yesterday.
The funfair is planned for next week…

 

Also though, I’ve been thinking about a change of career recently. I saw a job advertised, hanging mirrors.

 

It’s definitely something I could see myself doing…