The Forum Jokes Thread

[Sidecar Racer]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

 

 

 

 

 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

 

 

 

 

'Go get your Mother'

[Sidecar Racer]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

 

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

 

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy

 

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage

.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

 

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a

bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

 

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

 

 

"That'll be me then said Paddy .

• 
  

Edited December 9, 2011 by Sidecar Racer

[Sidecar Racer]

BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED

 

 

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

 

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

 

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad

news. The donkey's died.'

 

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

 

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

 

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

 

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

 

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

 

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

 

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

 

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened

with that dead donkey?'

 

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a

piece and made a profit of £898'

 

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

 

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

 

 

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

 

 

 

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS – HEALTH & SAFETY

 

 

 

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED

While shepherds watched their flocks by night

All seated on the ground,

The Angel of the Lord came down,

And Glory shone around.

 

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health & Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided.

Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.

 

LITTLE DONKEY

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,

Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.

 

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period.

Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear facemasks.

The ‘Little Donkey’ has expressed his discomfort as being labelled ‘Little’ and would prefer to being simply referred to as ‘Mr Donkey’.

Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.

 

WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings of Orient are,

Bearing gifts we traverse afar,

Field and fountain,

Moor and Mountain,

Following yonder star.

 

Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations such as ‘Cash4Gold’ etc., gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions.

An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher.

It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA RouteFinder or sat nav.

Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption.

As in the case of Mr. Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves.

 

THE ROCKING CAROL

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

 

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons.

Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives.

Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus.

Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.

 

JINGLE BELLS

Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,

Over fields we go – laughing all the way.

 

A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride.

The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use of only one horse is appropriate – particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.

Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any ‘Open Fields’.

To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only ‘moderate’ laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.

 

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,

And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

 

You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr. R. Reindeer.

Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence.

A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.

 

 

AWAY IN A MANGER

Away in a manger – no crib for a bed…

 

Refer to Social Services immediately!

[Sidecar Racer]

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

 

“What’s up Dave?” asked the bartender…It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

 

“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.

 

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

 

“ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that.

 

The little nasty man has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

 

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender

 

“It’s not,” said the man.

 

"The little beggar stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

[AndyB]

This is priceless (IMHO):

 

Expedition to the South Pole abandoned after 3rd day without twitter.

 

Andy

[iL Dottore]

A spoof, but not too far from reality methinks

 

F

[AndyB]

A spoof, but not too far from reality methinks

 

F

 

Having had occasion to worked with the characters mentioned I can only say...no comment.

[emac]

A Lawyer And a Senior Citizen

 

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

 

 

 

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

 

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

 

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

 

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

 

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

 

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

 

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

 

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

 

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

 

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

 

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

 

You know you're going to send this one on I did

Edited December 13, 2011 by emac

[QRModeller]

A blonde arrives for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

“I finished the exam in a half hour,” she replies. “Now I’m rechecking my answers.”

 

Matt.

[QRModeller]

Who's the bright spark that thought up the name for the condition where sufferers have a fear of long words? Seriously, check it out:

 

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia!!

 

 

Matt.

[QRModeller]

Philosophy

 

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2”in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

 

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

 

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous – yes.

 

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar – effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

 

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided,”I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children—things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.”

 

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued “There is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.”

“The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

 

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

 

 

I'll drink to that!

 

 

Matt.

Edited December 14, 2011 by QRModeller

[Brush47337]

A business man on a flight home had to sit beside an absolutely stunning Tai girl.

 

As the plane took off he kept taking sneaky sideways glances at her trying to take in her beauty.

 

Under his breath he kept muttering ........"Please don't get an erection........ Please don't get an erection" ................

 

...........but it was no use................. SHE did................!

 

Boom boom.....!

[shortliner]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

The townspeople discovered they could buy a cow in Scotland

quite cheaply and immediately purchased one. It was wonderful,

produced lots of milk every day, and everyone was happy. They

bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd

never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the

bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to

mount the cow, it would move away. No matter what approach the

bull tried the cow would move away from him and he was never

able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to

go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening,

and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow,

she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves

forward, if he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If

he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other

side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this

before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned

that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ... "You are

truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow

from Scotland?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Scotland".

[shortliner]

[Budgie]

I'm sorry, son, but Santa was unable to bring you a train set this year. He did, however, leave you this replacement bus service set instead.

[Sidecar Racer]

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and said "Do you think it is the light that is attracting them ?"

[Sidecar Racer]

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. "Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk. "It's designed to teach the child how to live in today's world, madam," the shop clerk replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."

Edited January 4, 2012 by Sidecar Racer

[Sidecar Racer]

10 years ago Bob Hope died.

 

 

 

5 years ago Johnny Cash died.

 

 

 

A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died.

 

 

 

2 weeks ago Jimmy Saville died.

 

 

 

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It!

[beast66606]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrall Thompson's Jacket.

[chris p bacon]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

 

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

 

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge £150 an hour.'

 

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

 

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'For £150 I can do little kinky.'

 

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

 

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

 

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

 

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

 

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

 

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I ###### to you in zur doggy way.'

 

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

 

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

 

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that style of lovemaking?'

 

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

[Sidecar Racer]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

 

 

I would have given him 100%

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

* his last battle

 

 

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page

 

 

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid

 

 

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage

 

 

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams

 

 

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner

 

 

Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half

 

 

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

* I t will simply become wet

 

 

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?

* No problem, he sleeps at night.

 

 

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

 

 

 

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples

and three oranges in other hand, what would

you have ?

* Very large hands

 

 

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take

four men to build it?

* No time at all, the wall is already built.

 

 

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[Sidecar Racer]

--- we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

 

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

 

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

 

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?

 

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,

 

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

 

Eric grinned ....'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

 

'No,' I replied.

 

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

 

So I wrote down:

 

 

ID10T

 

 

I used to like Eric, the little ******* .

[Sidecar Racer]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

 

 

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

 

 

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to work.

 

 

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

 

 

I have also been in Doubt and in Sorrow. These are sad places to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

 

 

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

 

 

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

 

 

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

 

 

I have not yet been in Continent. It's apparently an age thing.

[Arthur]

Amish family spend a day in the big city. They visit a department store and the father and son wander off.

 

They become transfixed by this strange device. There are two silver doors in the wall, they swish open revealing a brightly lit metal cube. An ancient old crone shuffles in and the doors close behind her. There's a bit of clanking and whirring and above the doors a sequence of numbers light up in ascending order. They stop, then numbers light in descending order and the doors slide back. Out steps a curvaceous, pouting, 20 year old blonde.

 

 

 

Without taking his eyes off her the father say's, "Quick Isaac, Go get your Mother"

[Jinty3f]

Amish family spend a day in the big city. They visit a department store and the father and son wander off.

 

They become transfixed by this strange device. There are two silver doors in the wall, they swish open revealing a brightly lit metal cube. An ancient old crone shuffles in and the doors close behind her. There's a bit of clanking and whirring and above the doors a sequence of numbers light up in ascending order. They stop, then numbers light in descending order and the doors slide back. Out steps a curvaceous, pouting, 20 year old blonde.

 

 

 

Without taking his eyes off her the father say's, "Quick Isaac, Go get your Mother"

 

Heard it before (in post 602 on this page!)