The Forum Jokes Thread

[Sidecar Racer]

Why I Call Him Honey

 

 

 

 

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

 

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

 

The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old ###### what his name is.'

[Sidecar Racer]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

 

The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him.

 

Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, "Good morning son."

 

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

 

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

 

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,

 

 

"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

[Sidecar Racer]

Pulling into the crowded underground parking lot at the shopping center,

I rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air.

 

She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I

backed away from the car, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

 

"Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!

 

Stay!"

 

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

 

"Why don't you just put the handbrake on?"

[Sidecar Racer]

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

 

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

 

"I know all that."

 

"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

 

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

[Sidecar Racer]

The Euro , as explained by Blackadder .

 

 

 

Baldrick:

 

What I want to know Sir, is that there was a time before the Euro when there were lots of different currencies used by different peoples.

 

And now there's only one currency that these people use. How did it get from one state of affairs to the other?

 

Blackadder:

 

Do you mean how and why did the Euro start?

 

Baldrick:

Yes Sir

 

 

Blackadder:

 

Well, you see Baldrick , in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their different finances

and using different types of money. On the one side you had the strong economies like Germany, France,

Belgium and Holland, and on the other side you had the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal.

 

And they all got together and decided it would be a lot easier if they had one currency, and one central bank and belong

to one large club where everone would be happy.

 

This meant there would never be a situation whereby financial meltdown

would lead to social unrest, wars and crises.

 

Baldrick:

 

But this is a sort of crisis, isn't it Sir?

 

Blackadder: That's right, Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw to the plan.

 

Baldrick:

 

What was that then, Sir

 

Blackadder:

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was bo**ocks.

[Bernard Lamb]

A woman started taking golf lessons.

After a few practice sessions she felt ready to play her first round.

After half an hour she was back in the club house seeking first aid.

What happened, asked the professional.

I was stung by a bee said the woman.

Where, enquired the professional.

Between the first and second holes she replied.

I did tell you about standing with your feet too far apart replied the professional.

Bernard

[kandc_au]

[kandc_au]

Gina Rinehart...Richest woman in Australia, earning some incredible amount/minute.

This is her first plane of Migrant workers to work her mines.

[AndrewC]

Gina Rinehart...Richest woman in Australia, earning some incredible amount/minute.

This is her first plane of Migrant workers to work her mines.

For God sake don't let Ryan Air see that picture.

[Timara]

I was walking down Pall Mall during the Jubilee celebrations with my friend when he said, "Seeing all these flags makes me proud of my country.".

 

I replied, "Chan, you're Chinese and all these flags are British!"

 

He replied, "Yeah, I know that, but look where they've been made in on the label....."

[kandc_au]

After an alleged visit to the “Pleasure Parlourâ€,

Federal Politician Craig Thomson allegedly notices green lumps on his willy,

So, off he goes to the doctor’s .

“That’s serious†says the doctor.

“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?â€

“Yes†says the man, nodding seriously.

 

“Well†says the doctor, “You’ve got brothel sprouts.â€

[Sidecar Racer]

Suspicious Wife

 

 

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the

wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid,

so she laid a trap.

 

One evening she suddenly sent Ekaette home for the weekend, and

didn't inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:

"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the

bathroom.

 

 

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into

the maid's bed.

She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came

silently.......... He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his

*****, and got on top of her. When he finished and still panting, the

wife said “You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and

switched on the light.

 

"No madam, said the gardener"

[Sidecar Racer]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

 

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

 

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

 

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.

 

So, how are you getting there?"

 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly,

and they're always late.

 

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

 

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive,

but it's really a dump."

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes,

but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,

and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great!

They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder,

and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private

room and wait the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

 

"Oh, really! What did he say ?"

 

 

He said: "Who fubar up your hair?"

[Sidecar Racer]

A man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m.

and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

 

The man replies,

“I am going to a lecture about alcohol

abuse and the effects it has on the human bodyâ€.

 

The officer then asks,

“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?â€

 

The man replies,

“My wife.â€

[Sidecar Racer]

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited,

so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

 

On the way home he stopped at B & Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane ?'

 

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I would walk you

there but I can't carry this lot.'

 

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand,

put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

 

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

 

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me...

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

 

The farmer said, 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.

How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

 

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!!

[Timara]

A fireman is outside his station one day when he sees a little girl in a bright red cart with little ladders on the side and a garden hose on the front being pulled by a cat and a dog.

 

"That's a fine engine" he says. Then he sees the dog is attached to the cart by a collar but the cat has a string around its testicles.

 

He says, "I think your engine would go faster if the cat had a collar as well"

 

"Maybe" said the girl, "but I wouldn't have a siren then."

[Timara]

Two cowboys are talking about sex.

One cowboy says "I like the rodeo position best"

"I haven't heard of that" says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well," says the first cowboy "get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup each of her breasts and whisper 'These feel just like your sister's.' Then try and hold on for 8 seconds"

[69843]

 

Sums up technology in a nutshell.

[Horsetan]

Judge: "I think I should warn you, Mr. Smith, that you are being extremely offensive."

 

Barrister: "Your Honour, I think we both are. The difference is that I'm trying to be, whereas you can't help it."

[QRModeller]

Sums up technology in a nutshell.

 

Most likely influenced by this:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaGpaj2nHIo

 

Matt.

Edited March 4, 2013 by QRModeller

[steve1]

I went to a bulimia convention last night.

The place was heaving.

 

steve

[kevinlms]

A fireman is outside his station one day when he sees a little girl in a bright red cart with little ladders on the side and a garden hose on the front being pulled by a cat and a dog.

 

"That's a fine engine" he says. Then he sees the dog is attached to the cart by a collar but the cat has a string around its testicles.

 

He says, "I think your engine would go faster if the cat had a collar as well"

 

"Maybe" said the girl, "but I wouldn't have a siren then."

 

Who said that females are the gentler sex?

 

Kevin Martin

[kandc_au]

Who said that females are the gentler sex?

 

Kevin Martin

 

Hence the saying:

SWMBO She who must be obeyed!

I rest my case Your Honour

[kandc_au]

Asenior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.

 

An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

 

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

 

A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?

 

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

 

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

 

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

 

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

 

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

[kandc_au]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,

 

"You have been a good cat all these years.

 

Anything you want is yours for the asking."

 

The cat thought for a minute and then said "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

 

God said, "Say no more."

Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

 

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

 

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

 

God answered,

"It is done." All the mice had beautiful roller skates.

 

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.... God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little 'Meals on Wheels' you have been sending over are delicious."

Edited June 17, 2012 by kandc_au