HAL 'O THE WYND Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Ah, but in your mind's eye you have the advantage that it can be what you want it to be. A child will have a cupboard roomful of clever, detailed, expensive toys but give it a cardboard box... Camel Quay is as you see it but only because we had a set plan which became even more focused as time went on with all the restrictions that imposes. OTOH, at the opposite end, if it were bareboards it could be anywhere, anytime...with all the atmosphere one can muster - steam, smoke, smells...the journeys and stories...so don't feel despondent. As you say, it is there to Enjoy and you can exploit all the flexibility and different qualities the likes of CQ doesn't have. My first "want" was a friend's loco running round the dining table legs...off somewhere from Paddington, I expect. And you've had a railway for years.....I was waiting for years.....a lifetime, in fact! Hope you can still "play trains." What caught me about you was not just your layouts - brilliant though they are - but your final quote: "Life The Universe, and Everything." You see, what keeps me going is that there IS a reason for all this crap. In life, sh1t (I hate the word. by the way) happens, as our US cousins say. To me, what defines a man is how they handle their sh1t. Unfortunately, her Ladyship doesn't share this view and I can't blame her. She's had MS for decades. She just wants it over. Tony aka Hal Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL 'O THE WYND Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 I'm going to have to explain all this before I disappear into the woodwork. For the past week or so I've been drafting a PM to Newhaven Neil, who has - along with David Todd - been a great support. It's running to several pages(!) and needs much editing, but the content might figure on here by way of some sort of an excuse. God knows when that'll be, though! LOL Hal aka Tony (aka someone else - a three way split! ) You might guess, Neil? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL 'O THE WYND Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 HMS Cleopatra, the Second Battle of Sirte, 1942 Any guesses? My last commission as a professional artist, circa 2004 Don't click it. Already shrunk. I don't have access to the original which is in the Naval Museum at Chatham. A good point to vanish on. PS: For the "experts" amongst you, all the guns are firing at once because they are AA guns, not big ones. She was an AA Light Cruiser. Tony aka Hal aka some-b#gger-else Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL 'O THE WYND Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 "My bloody hands!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Anotheran Posted January 19, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 19, 2015 Fantastic painting of HMS Cleopatra Mr King. I do hope your hands and home circumstances allow you to continue your modelling as your artistic ability is incredible. Kind regards, Neil Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
sp1 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Fantastic painting of HMS Cleopatra Mr King. I do hope your hands and home circumstances allow you to continue your modelling as your artistic ability is incredible. Kind regards, Neil Tony (Hal?) - I can understand where you are coming from more than most as I try to earn a crust as a nurse. I would say that I have seen most of the scenarios that you are probably coming from and can only say don't give up on what you have or your friends on here - I say 'friends' advisedly : I know we are all just virtual friends at the end of the day but you need so form of escape, even if only for a few minutes a day, and if your layout gives you some sanctuary then treasure it for what it is and stay with us!Steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL 'O THE WYND Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Fantastic painting of HMS Cleopatra Mr King. I do hope your hands and home circumstances allow you to continue your modelling as your artistic ability is incredible. Kind regards, Neil Hi Neil, I wasn't going to post again till I made my "Great Excuse" for b#ggering off over the horizon, but I can't ignore kind souls like yourself. Coming from as fine an artist as you are that is indeed a compliment. But I'm so frustrated that taking pleasure in the work of others seems to have turned into torture. An artist - a real artist - lives for is his creativity. When it's gone... you don't exist anymore. I've just become a whinging machine. I'm worn out and sick of myself. Kind Regards, Tony. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL 'O THE WYND Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Tony (Hal?) - I can understand where you are coming from more than most as I try to earn a crust as a nurse. I would say that I have seen most of the scenarios that you are probably coming from and can only say don't give up on what you have or your friends on here - I say 'friends' advisedly : I know we are all just virtual friends at the end of the day but you need so form of escape, even if only for a few minutes a day, and if your layout gives you some sanctuary then treasure it for what it is and stay with us! Steve Thanks Steve, My *friends* have had a lot to put up with, given my periodic whinging. It is not what you come to RMweb for. Showing your work and enjoying the comments of others is what it should be about, not my selfish "stuff" As a nurse you'll know that it is quite common for folk with advanced MS to want "out". That's what's been doing my head in since Christmas. She's paralyzed below the waist and not much good above it; shes doubly-incontinent - requires hoisting from bed, to commode to wheelchair, to shower, etc. she wears diapers otherwise - and an adult's diaper is NOT like a babies, as you'll know, Steve. And while the hoist does the lifting, getting her into the sling beforehand, etc, etc. is pure brute strength and it is literally crippling me. And this business - this "toileting" as you know it in the Health Service, goes on ceaselessly, round the clock, 24/7/365. Constantly wiping, washing, changing, etc, et-bloody-cetra. Her daily life is a misery of constant pain from muscle-spasms, cramps, neuralgia, numbness and swelling; always sitting in her own filth (her diaper's always wet, at least, no matter how often I change it.) She's been offered the option of a catheter, but - as you'll know, Steve - bladder infections can be a regular result. Talking of which there is me. For the past year or more I've had chronic UTIs - urinary-tract infections - and take co-amoxiclav at regular intervals. It is a powerful and vile antibiotic. In the instructions it warns of depression as a side-effect. Depression! - It's like a loved one has died, you've given up smoking, and you've got the flue! LOL But nothing else works; when it doesn't I'm donald-ducked. As it is, it means you feel like you're bursting for a pee all the time and when you go it's like passing broken glass. And I pee blood regularly. After every test under the sun they aren't sure why that is, other than the infections; and whilst there might be blood in urine - diluted and hardly visible - as a result of infection, nose-bleed type blood is a bit of a puzzle. And I have clinical depression, anyway - one thing I have got in common with Tony Wright - except I'm fortunate: the cause is obvious. As my GP says, laughing, "given your circumstances you'd be mad if you weren't mad!" Ya gotta laff. And then the arthritis. Doing everything - plus all the regular domestic stuff - with (a metaphor I've used too often) hands like red boxing-gloves, is not a lot of fun. And I'm gonna regret this typing! But, while I'm ahead... We lost the car just before Christmas. Now that she's house-bound it's no longer appropriate. We use wheelchair taxis for her occasional visits to the Neurological Centre in Walker Gate. And as I can't walk very far I'm knackered for shopping and everything else. (thank God for online) Don't ask about "help". We are far from wealthy but we do own our own house, and my small Fire Service pension, on top of OAP, means we are entitled to nowt. Carer's cost £15.00 an hour, and, if a hoist is to be operated - which it is - they come in pairs, which is £30.00. An hour in the morning and an hour in the evening? - Sixty quid, and that would be precious little help, anyway. 24 hours is over £300.00; a a week: 2K. The only time you get free care is if a person is terminally ill and there is a time limit of a few months - then you get the lot. But for such as Joan? - sweet FA. But that's a lie, she does get DLA - disability living allowance - but taking us both together our income is well below the minimum wage. I'm well aware this is totally inappropriate on RMweb. But MS forums are choked with this crap, with many poor sods being a little less literate than me. Their frustrated pigeon-English would break your heart. But it's her daily plea that's breaking mine. For the record, both medical and social services are aware of the current situation, particularly her mind-set. They make comforting noises, but it really is very normal under the circumstances, apparently. So why did I start the damn thread! 'Cos it was a last ditch attempt at normality, I suppose. And it was great fun for a day or two! Modelling wise, it's a case of being exhausted and physically knackered. Also, I don't have time to wipe my... em, nose, for wiping hers, if you get my drift. You know what? - I think this'll do for my "Great Excuse" before b#ggering off into the sunset. BTW: "Newhaven Neil, if you are out there, this past few pages should serve for the PM I owe you. Thanks..." Best wishes to all, Tony. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL 'O THE WYND Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 I hadn't meant to post again but in the cold light of day my original first line: - quote: I'm afraid my "friends" are bored to tears with my periodic hissy-fits. And who can blame them. You come to RMweb to display your excellence and to have your boxes ticked - and God knows I've done plenty of box-ticking!: end quote, - came across very different from what I intended. It was meant to be dry humour(!) It's horrible. I'm sorry about that. My head's in a dreadful mess. But there again, the whole thing is as indicated by the embarrassing silence. All I can do is apologise and hope that none of you come ever close to what I've experienced over recent years. Literally can't think straight. I'm unbalanced and that's the truth of it... But I should explain about the topic and its start. When I lost the plot over Christmas I thought, "What the hell, I'll start a thread with what I've got." I did, but then was horrified by my stupidity, and the questionable legality of assuming a new persona. I wrote to Andy Y. resigning. Andy was very kind and suggested I go with the thread and see what transpired. I was impressed by his kindness. So that's what I did. I shouldn't have done. I should have quitted then. For a couple of weeks it was wonderful, but I still hadn't done any new modelling. The photographs showed work that had been done for years, and nothing new was possible. So there you go. Tony. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted January 19, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 19, 2015 Tony, I think we are all struggling as to what to say or how to help. Despite many of us having experienced sad, difficult and distressing times in our lives, no-one but you can understand just you are going through. But that doesn't mean we are not empathetic towards you and your good lady, just powerless to help. I am not religious, but my thoughts are with you. Stu Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNER4479 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Very well said that man. Exactly my own thoughts. You want to say something, but what? I've read your post above out loud to my wife and we're both horrified and quite frankly appalled at what you and Joan have to cope with. I think it was a great idea to try and get some light relief through engagement in RMWeb and I sincerely hope that you might yet get some further fulfilment with your modelling. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL 'O THE WYND Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Stu, when I said *silence* I suppose I meant supportive-clicks. There IS nothing anyone can do or say. You more than anyone know how this has been building for years. It should not be ON RMweb. It is all my fault for not disappearing long ago. But I was addicted to browsing everyone's layouts, which was fine, till it turned sour in the light of my total non-production. I realised nothing was going to change for the better this side of the grave and that's it. Thanks so much, Stu - everyone - of course I know how you must think. You shouldn't have been put in that position! It's ALL down to me. It has to stop. Tony. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL 'O THE WYND Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 I'm logging out now for good. I'm so sorry! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sasquatch Posted January 20, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 20, 2015 Tony mate. Please don't cut yourself off. There are people on here who you can communicate with. If the only way we can help is to listen when you're down then, so be it! I'm sure no one will think less of you and anyone who thinks other wise doesn't have to read and can scroll on past! When you have a mind to talk trains we'll look forward to it, and it will no doubt be accompanied by your unique sense of humor. Regards Shaun. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium southern42 Posted January 20, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 20, 2015 Hi Tony If you quit, well, gosh, that doesn't help us, either. As an example, you paid Camel Quay such a wonderful compliment in such unexpected terms, the sort that makes you want to continue and just get up and get on with it. So thanks for that. Life can have its dreadful ups and downs, and I often wonder, would I carry on past a certain limit. I admire those who've been on here far longer than myself, and I've already got to know (in the RMweb sense) some who are no longer with us such as the delightful Don Bradley. But I expect there does come a time for most of us. But I had a thought this morning. If you're not happy about "whinging" (your word) then let's call it something else a bit more positive, maybe even use it as a subtitle. Something that Hal 'o the Wynd did very well... Letting Off Steam ooooo Now, even if that's all you do on here, and maybe not everyday, why shouldn't it be appropriate? And if someone (only) clicks a like button you'll know we're with you. Some people talk to their diaries. On here, you have far more ears and ones that will get back to you. A tip that might be useful - if your hands are bad maybe find something you can use in the mouth for tapping the keys [i'm thinking, some painters use brushes in the mouth]. But don't, for heavens sake, swallow it. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sasquatch Posted January 20, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 20, 2015 No there's a thought. If we all type with something in the mouth we'll all have more time to model with two hands free. Most of us that is!.......... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theakerr Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 From Canada, please don't log out. In my Motor Cycle world we like to call our selves Brothers (and Sisters), I think (know) it is the same in the MR world Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Todd Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Am certain you will reconsider, your statements above. Take a break, until you have a settled moment. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL 'O THE WYND Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Guys, I'm overwhelmed by your support. Anybody who knows me, knows that mood-wise I'm up and down like a loose ladies' underpinnings. Believe it or not, I'm actually a very positive person. You have to be to watch your beloved suffering, day in and day out, and keep trying to be the little ray of sunshine that cheers them up. It's a battle. And the trouble is, it's since my own health has deteriorated so rapidly that she's become terrified of living without me being around to care for her. Hence the dreadful dark state she's in. If I am to carry on with RMweb I need three things: firstly, I need to sort my own health out so Joan doesn't feel so insecure; secondly - following from the first, I must somehow re-enthuse her with a reason for living, despite her chronic discomforts; and thirdly - crucial for the thread if it is to continue, I must, somehow, get the time and energy to actually make something, so that the layout can go forward. Three small miracles. Obviously, if my health is unmanageable I'll need to address that; it'll have to be faced realistically. It is the second I'm most worried over - her current mind-set, that that caused this current hissy-fit... And the third is very important to me. I haven't been able to express myself creatively for a long time. And it is central to my being. The only upside about the recent past (other than finding out who my real friends are) is that it has been so unpleasant, so ugly, so utterly embarrassing, that it can never be repeated. It never will because there is nothing more I can say! It's all out there; it's out of the way now. My real online friends have acknowledged that they aren't disgusted by my behaviour. (I have lost one follower, sadly, but that is their quite understandable choice.) ( - David Todd, another true friend, has just posted as I write. ) As it happens, Joan has a new lady Dr. I've made an appointment with her for a private natter . Y'never know - she might be a miracle worker! In the mean time, a day or two's mental rest is in order. Thank you so much, Hal. (if all is well...and it's still a big if, I might stick to my avatar. I was becoming very fond of it ) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted January 20, 2015 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 20, 2015 Great to see you back !! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium southern42 Posted January 20, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 20, 2015 ................. Hal. (if all is well...and it's still a big if, I might stick to my avatar. I was becoming very fond of it ) Since that's how I've come to "know" you, I've become fond of it, too and the alias that goes with it. Just thought you might like to know. Right softie, that's me. Edit. Best wishes to both you and Joan. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flying Fox 34F Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Hal, I've read everything and wish I could help in a physical way. We are all here to support you verbally. I think there are many on here who suffer when they cannot be creative. I've done no model making since November, but I just do some research and crowd surf all the Blogs and Topics on here. All my best wishes to you and your good lady Paul 4475 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL 'O THE WYND Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Hal, I've read everything and wish I could help in a physical way. We are all here to support you verbally. I think there are many on here who suffer when they cannot be creative. I've done no model making since November, but I just do some research and crowd surf all the Blogs and Topics on here. All my best wishes to you and your good lady Paul 4475 Thanks Paul, I appreciate your support more than you can know. I've been so very fortunate with the back-up I've had. It's given me a lift, and if I feel brighter, Joan lightens up, too. Kind Regards, Hal Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNER4479 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Guys, I'm overwhelmed by your support. If I am to carry on with RMweb I need three things: ... and thirdly - crucial for the thread if it is to continue, I must, somehow, get the time and energy to actually make something, so that the layout can go forward. Hi Tony, Delighted to see you're hanging on in here. Can I dare to make a suggestion? You have obviously spent quite a bit of time on RMWeb over the last few weeks and, where you have derived pleasure from that, then that has obviously been of benefit to you. And at the end of the day we all variously enjoy the lively banter, sharing our hobby with virtual mates, etc that participation on RMWeb brings. Can you bring yourself to spend 30mins less on RMWeb and spend that 30mins instead on your layout over the next week (say?) Why not just move your stock around and take a couple of different pix for now so we can admire more of the work that has already been done? Then see what leads on from there? I love browsing around on RMWeb as much as the next fella but there are times when I have to say to myself - no! Shut the lid on that damn computer and go and do some modellin' . Hope you take this in the spirit it is intended. Best wishes, Graham Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian Smeeton Posted January 21, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 21, 2015 if it is to continue, I must, somehow, get the time and energy to actually make something, so that the layout can go forward. Thank you so much, Hal. (if all is well...and it's still a big if, I might stick to my avatar. I was becoming very fond of it ) Hal, if I may be allowed to cal you by your pseudonym, Years ago I also suffered from depression, and the Black Dog never totally goes away, everything seems like too much trouble. I know that you suffer with your hands and other health issues, so please don't take this as a cure. The Layout itself is a huge task, and the end is out of sight, but, as the Chinese say "a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step", so how about picking one individual piece or part, and working on that for a while. Small tasks, particularly 'thumb in bum, brain in neutral' tasks, can with very little effort result in something to be pleased with, helping to lift the mood. It needn't be expensive, either, something like one of the Scalescenes free downloads is only the cost of the paper and ink, and new scalpel blade and glue. The Magnum Opus can wait for a while. Probably no help at all, but all the best to you. Regards Ian Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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