The Northerner’s Commandments
As brought down from the heights of Pendle by the prophet Ecky Thump
scribed on the back of a betting slip
Thou shalt honour thy mam and dad lest thou be left out of the will.
Thou shalt never leave a pint undrained, yea even if thou hast to pour it down thy vest.
For five days shalt thou labour in vain. The rest thou shalt spend on the allotment.
Thou shalt never use the letters G, W and R one with the other nor shalt thou ever make a graven image of it.
Thou shalt always wear socks with thy sandals and a knotted hankie on thy head on holiday.
If any man smites thee on the cheek thou shalt clog him most grievously.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s goods, but his wife’s fair game if she be gradely.
If thy pigeons winneth not thou shalt maketh of them a right tasty pie.
If thou drinketh thy beer flat like unto a namby, pamby southerner, thou shalt surely burn in the deepest pits of hell.
Thou shalt never drink any cocktail but milk stout with a pickled onion on a stick.