jcredfer Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 20 hours ago, PhilJ W said: Lady Penelope to Parker >> "Parker, please remove my dress." "Yes M'lady." "Parker, please remove my bra." "Yes M'lady." "Parker, please remove my panties." "Yes M'lady." "Parker, if I catch you wearing my clothes again your fired!" Do you mind!! - I have just had a lovely freshly made curry - That{!} has just threatened my carpet... Julian 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonB Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 This is for those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists. Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. And it works. I already have 3 people following me: Two police officers and a psychiatrist. 2 1 12 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 A man went to the doctors with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bottom. "That looks nasty" says the doctor. "Nasty!" replies the man, "That's just the tip of the iceburg!" 8 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Tell me some jokes about eyes. The cornea the better. 4 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Forensics have DNA tested the body of a buried horse to see if it was an ex racehorse. Close, but no Shergar. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I was arrested the other day for stealing peoples electrons. I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was a positive experience! 2 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bernard Lamb Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I have just met a bankrupt contortionist. He couldn't make ends meet. The first man was made from a lump of clay. A woman took him and turned him into a mug. I bought my wife a new bag and belt for Valentines day. The Hoover works fine now. Bernard 1 1 10 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sprintex Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Some bloke offered to sell me a TV for £1 just because the volume control was broken. I mean, you can't turn that down. 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted June 18, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 18, 2019 6 hours ago, jcm@gwr said: I was arrested the other day for stealing peoples electrons. I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was a positive experience! Jeff, chuck the book away, you're not doing yourself any favours! Mike. 1 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 5 minutes ago, Enterprisingwestern said: Jeff, chuck the book away, you're not doing yourself any favours! Mike. It's down to the "People's Volts". J 2 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted June 18, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 18, 2019 My mate told me he was going on holiday for a fortnight so I asked him to bring me 800 fags back. When he got back he gave me the cigs and I asked him how much i owed him He said. "£385" "How much! Where you been?" I asked. "Great Yarmouth" he replied. 1 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 36 minutes ago, Enterprisingwestern said: Jeff, chuck the book away, you're not doing yourself any favours! Mike. Firstly, most of these get sent to me, and, being of a generous disposition, I felt obliged to share them, so everyone could enjoy them! Secondly, judging by the reactions posted so far, to the material I've already shared, I would suggest that you might be in a minority. If I get zero positive ratings from now on, I might consider not adding anymore 'jokes', but, on the other hand, why upset those with a similar sense of humour to myself! 5 3 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 A sense of what? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted June 18, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 18, 2019 10 minutes ago, jcm@gwr said: Firstly, most of these get sent to me, and, being of a generous disposition, I felt obliged to share them, so everyone could enjoy them! Secondly, judging by the reactions posted so far, to the material I've already shared, I would suggest that you might be in a minority. If I get zero positive ratings from now on, I might consider not adding anymore 'jokes', but, on the other hand, why upset those with a similar sense of humour to myself! I'm not complaining as such, it's just the lack of a groan button is very annoying! Maybe you need to find a new set of friends?!!!!! Mike. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 4 minutes ago, Enterprisingwestern said: I'm not complaining as such, it's just the lack of a groan button is very annoying! Maybe you need to find a new set of friends?!!!!! Mike. I also was frustrated by the lack of a groan button, so I thought I would work to the same standards! 1 1 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 13 minutes ago, Enterprisingwestern said: Maybe you need to find a new set of friends?!!!!! Mike. He's got you hasn't he !?!?! 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted June 19, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 19, 2019 12 hours ago, Gibbo675 said: He's got you hasn't he !?!?! With those jokes I'm not so sure! Mike. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 My wife told me to go to the chemists and get something to help my "disfunction" in the bedroom You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills I’m still looking for a place to live .... 1 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 8 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said: My wife told me to go to the chemists and get something to help my "disfunction" in the bedroom You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills I’m still looking for a place to live .... I hope, for your sake, that she can't read .......... Regards julian 1 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted June 19, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 19, 2019 A recent survey has revealed that women who carry a bit of extra weight live longer than men who mention it. 1 1 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Dave Hunt Posted June 19, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 19, 2019 Chap finds an old bottle on an English beach, gives it a rub and out pops a genie. " Look pal," the genie says, " These days you only get one wish so think carefully." The man ponders for a while, then says, "Can you build me a bridge to America?" The genie sighs. "Have you got any idea how much steel that would take, how many piers and how deep they'd have to be, what a danger to shipping it would be? What you're asking is ridiculous. Get real pal. Think again, OK?" The chap ponders some more, then snaps his fingers. "Got it," he cries, "Can you get the politicians to sort out Brexit?" The genie looks thoughtful. "What colour would you like the bridge?" 2 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Genie jokes? Okay then. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were walking in the desert when they find a bottle. One of them rubs it and out pops a genie. "Because there are three of you I will grant one wish each. So use it wisely" said the genie. The Englishman said to the others that they have got to be precise and ask for exactly what they want. The Scotsman goes first. "I would like an island in Scotland with a distillery and a lovely red haired lass". Poof. He's gone. The Englishman goes next. "I would like an island in the Caribbean with a bar and a lovely blond haired girl". Poof. He's gone as well. The Irishman says "I'm lonely. Can I have my mates back?" Jason 3 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted June 19, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted June 19, 2019 Genie tells Paddy he can have two wishes. Paddy asks for an everlasting Guinness. A pint of Guinness appears and when Paddy drinks the pint the glass is instantly filled up again. Genie asks what do you want for your second wish. Paddy says "Same again Another one if those" 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted June 19, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted June 19, 2019 From Facebook 1 12 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 ^^^^ Groaaaannnn! 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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