The Forum Jokes Thread

[Brush47337]

Thought I had done this one already (a fav of mine)

Apologies if I did - on the last forum - please laugh anyway and give me a sympathy "thank you click"

 

Teacher is telling class that humans are the only animals that can have a stutter.

 

Wee Mary sticks up her hand and says "not true miss..... I once had a tiny little kitty that had a stutter."

 

Teacher decides to humour her and asks her to tell her story.

 

"Well miss" says Mary...... "my tiny little kitty was in my back garden and next doors huge Doberman was running round in circles tied to a pole and barking like mad. After about 10 minutes the daft dog managed to snap the rope and he jumped..... over the fence...... and landed on the grass in front of my little Kitty.

 

Kitty faced the dog.....arched his back .....and spat.....SSSSSS...SSSSSSS.....SSSSSSSS. ........but before he could say Sh*t the dog ate him!

 

Boom Boom

 

Stuart

[KevinWalsh]

An oldie but IMHO a goodie

 

The difference between a computer and a woman:-

 

1) A computer doesn't whinge when you produce and insert a 3.5" floppy.

 

2) It's socially acceptable to punch information into a computer.

 

 

 

TAXI!!!!

[DavidBelcher]

Q. What goes "ha, ha, ha" and smells of gravy?

 

A. A laughing stock.

 

:icon_redface:

 

David

[DonB]

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

 

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

 

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

 

 

 

 

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

 

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

 

 

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks!

 

That's real POLITICAL SPIN

[Taz]

A wife treats here hubby by taking him to a lap dancing club for his birthday.

When they get there the doorman says "Alright Jim, how's tricks?"

The wife asks "how does he know you?"

Jim says "er, I play footy with him"

Inside, the barman says "The usual Jim?"

Jim quickly turns to his wife "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team in me local".

Next a lapdancer comes up and says "Hi Jim, d'ya want the special again?"

The wife storms out, dragging Jim with her and jumps in a taxi.

The driver looks over his shoulder and exclaims "Geez Jim, you've pulled a right minger this time!"

[DonB]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his

father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

 

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades

up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your

hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

 

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the

offer, and they agreed on it.

 

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your

grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,

but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

 

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've

noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the

Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong

evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

 

Your going to love the Dad's reply:

 

 

 

 

 

(YOU`RE GONNA "'LOVE" THIS ANSWER) .........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked

everywhere they went?

[luckymucklebackit]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

 

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

 

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

 

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

 

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

 

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

 

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

[Brush47337]

Warning ..... Scottish football Joke coming up.

 

no ....."Scottish" and "football" was not it......close though.

 

Paisley team (St Mirren FC) has a sexy new stadium in Ferguslie Park - a very rough area in Paisley.

The new stadium is nice - all silvery metal and covered stands etc.

 

The Locals have already proudly Christened it........... Here comes the joke......

 

"The Methodome"

 

West of Scotland self deprecation at it's finest...... class.

 

Stuart

[highpeak]

Which reminds me of the keyhole surgeon who wallpapered his hall through the letter box.

He then got fed up of surgery and went to tech school to become a mechanic. He got a very good grade on his final. The instructor said the engine rebuild was only average, but he'd never seen anyone do it all through the exhaust system.

[mswjr]

JUST SEEN A DWARF WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT

SAID I HATE ###### ON IT I THOUGHT F### ME

THATS A LITTLE RACIST.

[Chris116]

If Smoking is so bad for us, how comes it cures Kippers!

 

Chris

[smudgeloco]

What Irishman is best in the garden?

 

Paddy O-Furniture!

[DonB]

This Took Place In Northern Carolina,

 

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and insured them against damage and amongst other things fire.

 

 

 

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great and exclusive cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against his insurance company for the loss of the cigars ........... ( bear with me ).

 

 

 

In his claim the lawyer stated the cigars were lost " in a series of small fires ." The Insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion (ie.smoking ).

 

 

 

The lawyer sued the insurance company and Won ! ! ............... ( stay with me on this one )

 

 

 

Delivering his ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was somewhat frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the insurance company, in which they had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire. As they had not defined what was considered to be "acceptable fire", he said they were obligated to pay the claim. ( it gets better ).

 

 

 

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the claimant $15,000 for the loss of the cigars.

 

 

 

Now The Best Part ! !

 

 

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on twenty four counts of arson ! !

 

 

 

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to twenty four months in jail and a $24,000 fine. I assume that he would be barred from practicing law in future.

 

 

 

This true story won first place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

 

 

 

ONLY IN AMERICA, NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY ARE NUTS ! ! !

[DonB]

" FATHER OF THE YEAR "

 

 

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

 

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle

from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

 

He replied, "No, I work for a c@nd@m company. These are customer complaints"

[Taz]

I walked passed the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gee's song but when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talking.

[Andy L]

Here are some funnies from a friend of mine.

 

Enjoy!

 

 

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church

ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS)

actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church

services:

 

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:

'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies , don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of

those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.. Smile at

someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much

about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again , ' giving

obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it , we have a

nursery downstairs.

 

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the

help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the

church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music

will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight , the sermon topic will be 'What Is

Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of

several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans , bottles and other items to be

recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased

person you will want remembered.

 

--------------------------

 

The church will host an evening of fine dining , super entertainment and

gracious hostility.

 

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

 

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may

be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon..

 

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across

from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies

are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

 

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would

lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use

the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church

basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this

tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last

Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge so up yours.'

[Jon Fitness]

I was offered a right bargain today..

 

42 inch plasma TV, HD ready, built in DVD player, almost brand new, but only £50 as the volume control wasn't working.....Well I couldn't turn it down...............

 

 

 

I'll get me coat......

 

 

[NGT6 1315]

Something remotely railway-related...

 

A pessimist sees darkness.

An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a railway tunnel.

 

And the train driver sees three numbnuts on the tracks!

 

[DavidBelcher]

I was offered a right bargain today..

 

42 inch plasma TV, HD ready, built in DVD player, almost brand new, but only £50 as the volume control wasn't working.....Well I couldn't turn it down...............

 

 

 

I'll get me coat......

 

Reminds me of the time I kept trying to buy a toaster off the internet and every single one that arrived was faulty; turns out my web browser had disabled pop-ups.

 

Better get my coat too....

 

David

[96701]

Bought a wig made from bum hair the other day, It's ok but the bloody thing keeps blowing off!!

[Adam1701D]

"Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup!"

 

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. This is a no-fly zone."

 

 

...at least it's almost topical.

[DavidBelcher]

"Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup!"

 

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. This is a no-fly zone."

 

 

...at least it's almost topical.

 

If there's volcanic ash in your soup, probably down to where the ingredients were bought and best to blame one of the chef's parents: "That's why mums go to Iceland"

 

I'll get me coat....

 

David

[Ragtag]

Since we're on the subject, the difference between Cheryl Cole and the icelandic volcano? The icelandic volcano is still blowing ash.

 

 

I'll follow David...

[Sidecar Racer]

Spring Classes for Women

at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

 

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

By Friday April 30th 2010

 

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

 

Class 1

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

 

Class 2

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

 

Class 3

Is It Possible To Drive Past Asda Without Stopping?--Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 

Class 5

Golf Clubs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

At 7:00 PM

 

Class 6

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Football

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum .

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 9

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors..

[Sidecar Racer]

Sex On Mars

 

 

The year is 2222 and Mike & Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

 

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

 

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

 

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

 

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

 

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners

 

for the night and experience one another.

 

 

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the

 

Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half

 

an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

 

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

 

'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?'

 

'Well,' she replies, 'It's just not long enough to reach me!'

 

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

 

'Well,' she says, 'That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

 

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting for any woman.

 

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

 

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

 

 

As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

 

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'But it was wonderful. How about you?'

 

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept

 

slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'