Aspergers - Adult Diagnosis

[DLT]

Very interesting discussion guys, thanks very much.  Convinced that I'm "on the spectrum" somewhere, but not sure where.

Best wishes, Dave.

[Mountain Goat]

On 02/04/2017 at 23:08, Furness Wagon said:

Also now you have your official diagnosis your employer is legally required to give you a workplace assessment under Equalities Act. Your line-manager needs to contact the DWP's Access to Work team. If your self-employed you can get in touch with them. Its reasonably straight forward. Access to Work with then arrange for an assessor to come out to see you in your workplace. He or she will look at what you do and what needs to be done to working practices, your physical place of work, education of you work colleagues and your ways of working.

 

I got a report which listed what need to be done to improve my workplace and with the aid of an education course come up with better coping strategies.

 

Marc  

 

The last time I worked as it would not be a good idea for me to work for now due to the pattern of past events, was last september. I ended up in quite a mess which I was surprized that others I worked with did not notice, so outwardly somehow it is less visible? 

 

But I don't actually see how accomodations could have been made, as I already was working in the easiest enviroment for me that I could work in regarding the issues I was getting. I was part time every other day on very low hours per day  and the job was temporary so the end was in sight  (The last three jobs have been temporary positions at the same place and away from too much public exposure which tends to make things worse if I have to deal with the public as well, as in the past I had to do both...)

 

The issues I have are ones which are hard to think of a way around them. An example of this was when I was encouraged to try for PIP and I went to the assessment. My mother was supposed to come as well as I find it hard not to go off on irelivent tangents, and I rarely get to the point. Also, as I get mindblank (Why I go off on tangents to avoid getting mindblank as if I tried answering direct, the mindblank hits me and I clam up), so my mother is the only one who really knows me so she can step in and answer if I have clammed up. Unfortunately, due to a situation that was not under our control, my mother could not come, so I had to go on my own.

I was asked a question which was along the lines of "What would I use the PIP paymwnt for?" I went blank as I could not think of anything where the money would help as I was thinking to myself that when I get shutdowns, I am like a vegetable like state on the floor, so I can't be helped. I mean... What could anyone do? If they try to pick me up it will prolong the shutdown and the more fuss I have over me, the less likely I will come out of the shutdown... Or if I do and fuss is made over me, I will end up going back into another shutdown, and while in a shutdown there is no way I can say to someone "Can you go to a shop for me?" as my mind has shut down. 

And if I am not in a shutdown (Or the moee common partial shutdowns that I get), then I am usually as able as any other person. So I just did not know how to answer. I did say how anxiety and due to certain triggers, I can't go in certain shops. I said if I need something I send my Mum in for me! 

As I have not been assessed yet, and only the autism team know some of the difficulties I have, as I have not been able to open up to doctors about it... Well. I had no medical evidence of anything to give.

 

What surprized me that even though I had briefly described some of the difficulties I faced, I got a zero score when the results came back. But there again. The questionare, along with the interview I had, seems to be written at a tangent to the issues that I have? It seems to be written for those with no arms and no legs in mind or some if it came to a mental condition, it was aimed at those with fits and things like that. The issues I ad did not seem to relate to anything and at the same time related to everything on the forms in a vague way depending on if I was in a full shutdown or not. So the forms themselves took ages to fill as  nearly every question was yes but had to have a paragraph or two to explain why which was almost the same reply all the way down on every page of the form. 

 

I am not good at filling in forms, but at least these were paper forms. Online forms I can't do as they require yes or no answers, and I never fit in a yes or no box so I can never move onto the next question, as online forms are badly laid out as they first say you must tell the truth, but they never give you the opportunity to tell the truth, as I never have fit into a "Yes" or a "No" catagory. 

 

[MrWolf]

Well I scored 35, do I win something useful? When I was treated for CPTSD I was told that I was on the spectrum, but an official diagnosis was unlikely to be of any benefit as I am an adult.

It would appear to be another one of those crappy hands of cards dealt to some of us by a fun loving god. Sorry I can't offer any positives.

[Mountain Goat]

On 05/05/2017 at 00:41, Suzie said:

My eye contact was quite good...

 

...until at the age of five I was told that it is rude to stare...

 

I wish people would make up their mind!

 

Uhmm. My eye contact varies. Usually I can make it if I am not speaking to someone and if they are not directly looking at me. But if I have to talk to them I can't always do the two at the same time (Unless I am very relaxed which only happens with people I know well and are comfortable with). Usually though I will take a glance at people and point my face at them, and then look just to the left or the right of them so I am not actually looking at their faces. That way they are happy because they think I am looking at them, when I am not so I can concentrate on the conversation. I have always tended to fall to pieces and not remember things people say when they get annoyed with me and say "Look at me while I am talking to you". (More like shouting at you! What do these pwople expect? Some sort of ventrilaquist dummy? Who can look directly at you when you shout at them and be able to pick up what you are saying? That's impossible).

[MrWolf]

After the experiences that I have had, if anyone says to me anything belittling such as: "Look at me when I am talking to you!" It's unlikely to end well for them. To the point where the DWP would not push me into getting a job (despite the fact that I have always worked and travelled extensively in the course of my work) as they felt it would be detrimental to my mental wellbeing and the physical wellbeing of others.

I work for myself, I have a SWMBO who also has CPTSD I do pretty much what I want (although motivational and executive decision issues affect both of us, we notice and kick each other up the backside.) and we get by because we know where each other is coming from.

I explained it to the shrink with a joke that SWMBO and I share and it's still funny because it covers the frustration we often feel.

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know.

How could you know? You weren't THERE man!

[Mountain Goat]

4 minutes ago, MrWolf said:

Well I scored 35, do I win something useful? When I was treated for CPTSD I was told that I was on the spectrum, but an official diagnosis was unlikely to be of any benefit as I am an adult.

It would appear to be another one of those crappy hands of cards dealt to some of us by a fun loving god. Sorry I can't offer any positives.

 

I would say to ask to be assessed as I was told that even if it was found that you are not on the spectrum, they will be able to tell what is happening and if you are in a position where help is needed (Either now or in the future as one gets older), it will be the first step, so it is still a good idea.

 

I am convinced that if I am on the spectrum my mother is too, but as she had reached retirement age she says there is no point. 

 

I am in a position where I reached a stage in my life where there is no way I can financially sustain myself without help due to the issues I have had unless things ease for me in the future, and the stresses others are putting on me I can't see things changing for a long time.

[runs as required]

My own impression about Asbergers is that a whole lot of high achievers in the academic world score high on the Asbergers scale.

 

I had a rendezvous several years back to climb from Hayfield up to Kinder Downfall with an old friend from childhood In his 80th year who’d became the youngest ever Fellow (In chemistry) of an Oxford college while I was still in sixth form.

He subsequently never ever advanced from his Lectureship in one of the first of the Robins New Universities. I screwed up the courage to enquire about this ?

 

He replied that perhaps he’d mistakenly sought to seek answers to the really Big Questions in science. Whereas it seemed those that got all the promotion were those who asked Research questions to which they already knew the answers.

[Mountain Goat]

First of all to understand why there are some on the spectrum who are very high achievers in certain things, we need to understand what happens in the brain as it grows. Now autism in its many forms like aspergers syndrome etc, is basically caused by the brain wiring missing connections. It could be one connection or it could be many. Now as the brain grows it compensated for the missing connections by putting all its compensatory growth into devloping other areas of the brain instead.

Now this extra growth is often responsable for the ones who have incredible tallents in certain subjects, but it is not always a positive thing, as it also causes what is known as hypersensitivity in certain areas which can be a major problem. For example, some may not be able to tollerate certain bright lights etc, etc.

Also one could have someone who is an absolute genius on one area, but really lacking in ability in another area where the missing connections are not able to connect. 

 

I hope this explains a few things about autism. 

[laurenceb]

On 11/06/2020 at 12:03, Mountain Goat said:

 

includes some things I later found out I do have or do. (Eg I asked what stimming was and the ex GF said "Rocking back and fore" so I answered "No". Many of the terms the ex. GF did not know either so I had to answer "No" which I later found I should have answered "Yes" to.

 

Interesting, I never knew that rocking was classed as stimming. That is somethig I find myself doing

[MarcD]

My current stim is shuffling a deck of cards. Closely followed by clicking a ratchet screwdriver. Both are driving the wife mad. Where as my 5 year old flaps and squeezes his nose with clenched fists. Every autistic person will have a different one but they can be contagious and can and do change. 

Marc

[MrWolf]

I guess I am lucky that I notice and control such things. I had a habit of repetition that drove me mad for about three years until I was about ten. If I bumped an elbow or anything like that (not at injury level, just regular stuff) , I would have to bump the other one at the SAME level, if I didn't think I got it right, I would do it again and again. If I had an itch on the back of the right finger, I would also have to scratch the corresponding part of the left finger. It drove me to distraction but I was convinced it would be 'bad luck' not to. On the up side, by the time I was 8 or 9, I had an above adult average reading age and there was nothing in the school for me to read and I began reading my late grandfathers old engineering and railway books, car manuals, radio repair books and a whole lot of other stuff. I outgrew my bicycle, so started building my own out of junk. I learned basic carpentry, built go carts and started using the ancient drilling machine and lathe in our garage. I found I had a talent for art and creative writing, model making and most things creative.

That would have been fine had I not attended a rural state run school. If you are the slightest bit different, the other kids soon make you a pariah. The teachers were worse than useless. All bar a couple, they seemed to view me as hard work. I was always getting into fights and whenever I said anything I was told "Oh just keep away from them". It wasn't taken too well when the ten years old me turned round and replied "That's going to be hard, shut in here all day with them."

If you're an outsider, you're an outsider with pretty much everyone. The average kids thought I was a smartass, the brainy kids thought I was a thug, as did the arty kids and if you didn't like football or weren't very good at it, well that marked you as a freak and probably a queer into the bargain.

To the point where I got chucked out of PE at age 15 for another outburst. I wasn't paying attention during a soccer pep talk and the teacher singled me out, saying that any boy who didn't want to take part in football obviously had something wrong with him and would I rather go and play netball with the girls? I still remember what I said to him: "Excuse me sir, but whilst your star players have been giggling at each others knobs in the showers, some of us have been busy chasing girls and falling off motorbikes."

I had already found that most people only wanted to know me when they wanted something doing and the social exclusion tended to twist my arm into getting taken advantage of, which really got me mad. These things follow you into adulthood which is a real drag and it's only been the last couple of years that I have managed to do anything much about it.

[Mountain Goat]

Stimming. It took me a while before I realized I stimmed, and I did a lot of stimming. It was just more hidden as I had to hide it. I would be told off for it, and when I finally conquored one stim (Where I had to spend days and even weeks monitoring my every body movement o top of normal day to day life! At times I was too scared to move!), then another stim would take its place!

The BIG problwm when one learns to surpress all stims is one becomes prone to meltdowns, shutdowns and burnout. 

Why?

Because one has no defense against getting them.

 

To anyone who may not understand, stimming is done either automatically or with manual overide. I will start with automatic stimming. Ones body may automatically start to stim either if one is nurvous, or if one is concentrating on something. For example, while in school and I was concentrating on what a teacher was saying, I would be automatically clicking my pen, or rapping my fingers on a desk, where I did not even realize that I was doing it! Therefore the sudden shock of being told off came as a surprize and really knocked my confidence. 

The problem was I would be watching and trying to feel every part of my body so I would not upset my teacher and it took great concentrated effort. And when I finally conquored those stims, my body started other stims instead like I would suddenly find my leg bouncing up and down when concentrating in secondary school and in college until one day I was told off for that too. As stimming is something one can be singled out for in public and made to feel bad about it, and one can't just not stim.. As it is ones bodies natural way of regulating itself, the mental issues which come from the criticism of those who don't understand can be long lasting. 

Yet little do people realize that on occasions, if one is nurvous, most people may stim in one way or another. It is just with someone on the autism spectrum, it is part of daily life.

 

Another stimming is manual stimming and for me I do it as an effective way of preventing a partial shutdown developing into a full shutdown. This I have only been doing foe about a year and it normally works. It is not 100% effective... More like about 70%, but it is a LOT more effective then other means like drinking cola or eating chocolate (Both of which work as the brain uses a lot of energy when stressed, and chocolate or a sugary drink is one of the quickest ways to provide a sudden boost of energy. Energy levels tend to suddenly drop when anxiety or stress hits. This is at the very same time when one is prone to shutting down, and partial shutdowns make my body feel heavy (Feels like I am wearing a heavy iron suit of armour where every move takes great effort) and just before a full shutdown, my body ends up in a partially paralized floppy state, and in a total shutdown it is in a paralized state).

Now if I purpously stim by handflapping or rather handshaking (If I remember as I am usually stressed so I can forget) I can prevent a partial shutdown from going any deeper and give myself time to remove myself from the trigger points which has caused it, therefore hndflapping is an important tool I have had to learn in order to try and avoid getting full shutdowns, and I only started doing it out of desperation while I was trying to work through a burnout where I last worked, where once burnout has started to hit, the entire shift (And every shift I worked from then on) was trying to work while experiencing strings of partial shutdowns and a constant battle to fight off having a full shutdown which did happen a few times while I was in work. Somehow, no one noticed as I was working out the back in the workshop on my own, but a few staff members may have seen me get up off the floor after walking in when I had one and was recovering. (I made an excuse like "I was looking for a missing washer or nut..."  (Which did happen on occasions!)).

 

Edited June 13, 2020 by Mountain Goat

[laurenceb]

It has just occured that I percicstently draw patterns on my thumbs with my fingers, some quite complicated which I cant do when thinking about it. Never reaised that is stiming

[Mountain Goat]

Many other conditions are commonly found with people who are on the spectrum. Things like CDO.. That's OCD in alphabetical order....

But it is surprizing how many other conditions are commonly found with individuals who are autistic.

Edited June 13, 2020 by Mountain Goat

[MrWolf]

I still do one or two odd repetitive things, some of that actually staves off the CPTSD from my time spent working around some of the less touristy parts of the world. I don't think that I have shutdowns, I have a sort of drift and go over things that happened forty years ago or last week in obsessive detail, replaying events and trying to figure out what I should have said or done. I am prone to rage attacks which are always directed inwards, but I am not angry with myself. I find that it only happens when I am by myself, which is very odd. The people who are closest to me all know about it and tell me that they have never felt threatened. My other half who also suffers from CPTSD and some aspects of Aspergers says that one of the things that she likes most about me is that she feels safest around me.

I do find that I get tired yet don't sleep very well, I find that if I keep busy, I stay alert and motivated. The problem often is getting that initial burst of energy and enthusiasm, then I am unstoppable. If I don't manage to get motivated, then I become more tired and demotivated. From what I have read, the only way to become motivated is to just get up and do it. If you think of something to do, get on with it and THEN think about how you feel, you will be motivated. If you think of something to do, then think about how you MIGHT feel having done it, you won't actually do anything. I wish I could always listen to my own advice! The shrink thought that this was part of my CPTSD but I told him that I have always had the problem. Teachers thought I was extremely intelligent and capable but LAZY. I hated that, because I am anything but lazy, but I couldn't explain it.

 

Oh yes, I also ramble on a bit!

[Ian J.]

8 hours ago, MrWolf said:

...That would have been fine had I not attended a rural state run school. If you are the slightest bit different, the other kids soon make you a pariah...

 

Your recollections of school are not far off mine. I always felt like the outsider, but though I was not bull-ied much at all, I was treated with indifference by other children and exasperation by teachers for 'just not fitting in with the rest of the pupils'. That's probably the biggest drawback of any mental health condition, but particularly autism - we can't fit in and we're chastised repeatedly for 'choosing' not to fit in. This has followed me to adulthood too, and yes I have the same issue with others not really contacting me unless there's something practical that needs doing that I can particularly do.

 

Re stimming, it's not something I have ever been prone to. I do remember as a child a period where I would rapidly and almost violently shake my hands to try and get a rubbery sensation in them, but I don't know if that was really stimming, especially as I'm not prone to stimming otherwise.

Edited June 13, 2020 by Ian J.
Bulleid - why is 'bull-ied' being corrected to 'Bulleid'..?

[47475]

This thread has made interesting reading.

 

Regarding stimming, I occasionally move the fingers of both hands rapidly at the same time, often with my hands behind my neck. I've never seen anyone else do it and have never been able to explain it. It is only when I'm sitting down and usually when concentrating on something, e.g. when working. I usually only do it for a few seconds. I'm now wondering whether this can be explained as stimming or something else. To me it just feels like a release of energy.

[Mountain Goat]

9 hours ago, MrWolf said:

I still do one or two odd repetitive things, some of that actually staves off the CPTSD from my time spent working around some of the less touristy parts of the world. I don't think that I have shutdowns, I have a sort of drift and go over things that happened forty years ago or last week in obsessive detail, replaying events and trying to figure out what I should have said or done. I am prone to rage attacks which are always directed inwards, but I am not angry with myself. I find that it only happens when I am by myself, which is very odd. The people who are closest to me all know about it and tell me that they have never felt threatened. My other half who also suffers from CPTSD and some aspects of Aspergers says that one of the things that she likes most about me is that she feels safest around me.

I do find that I get tired yet don't sleep very well, I find that if I keep busy, I stay alert and motivated. The problem often is getting that initial burst of energy and enthusiasm, then I am unstoppable. If I don't manage to get motivated, then I become more tired and demotivated. From what I have read, the only way to become motivated is to just get up and do it. If you think of something to do, get on with it and THEN think about how you feel, you will be motivated. If you think of something to do, then think about how you MIGHT feel having done it, you won't actually do anything. I wish I could always listen to my own advice! The shrink thought that this was part of my CPTSD but I told him that I have always had the problem. Teachers thought I was extremely intelligent and capable but LAZY. I hated that, because I am anything but lazy, but I couldn't explain it.

 

Oh yes, I also ramble on a bit!

 

What is CPTSD? (Technical letters and terms are hard for me to remember).

What you described above is how I have had meltdowns. They are different to shutdowns but they have the same triggers. Meltdowns with me happen after a hard day, and are a gradual build up of stress within me and it always seems to take place late in the evenings when things are quiet. I call it as having a "Claustrophobic mind". I rarely get them but when I do my mind speeds up so my past thoughts of thins I have done wrong or have not resolved often many years ago come flooding back to me at such a rapid rate ad the thougts speed up. (They start slowly at first and build up gradually over the evening...). They build up and build up and my brain feels like it is expanding inside my skull. The pressure gets more and more, and just when I feel like I can't take any kmre and my head is going to explode, and it really is the end of me and I am going to go "Bang" and life is over... Just when I reach that point, it just stops and I feel a total calm and peace coming over me and I feel tired and I just fall asleep in bed. But during the build up experience... As it does not happen in the daytime I want to suddenly be at a busy town shopping centre on a sunn day where I can watch things going on and know that all isok, as when I feel this build up of pressure, it has happened on quiet evenings when everone is asleep early, and I am in my bedroom going over the days thoughts just efore my thoughts start racing through my mind.

Oh. I have done silly things during the build up. Also incredible things that would have left olympic athletes standing! Example. I tried to correct a wrong that was on my mind. I cycled down the hill with a letter which the next day I was in trouble for as the other person did not know it was from me even though to me it was obvious. The letter itself had nothing bad in it. A lady in work I gave a lift to was being teased that I had given her a lift (E.g. they were teasing her that we were a couple) and it was esculating on my mind that evening, so I wrote a letter saying that it would be better if I did not give her a lift (She usually went by bus anyway). But as I wanted to get it off my mind due to the build up of emotional stress I was feeling, I cycled down the hill and along the straight and then another hill and down it to where she lived on the main road. I put it quickly throug the letterbox and I cycled back up that first hill at speed. So quickly that I and the police did not know how I was able to do it. (The police had been called as unknown to me, she had been recieving many letters from an admirer (It was not me) and she has a dissabled sister who would open letters even though they were not for her and freak out, and this happened to have happened that night and the police were called. 

Well, I got back up the steeper longer hillclimb which involved a 2 mile climb with a 1 in 4 (25%) gradient and the rest was mostly 1 in 5... I did the entire ride home around 10 to 15 minutes? I could hardly do that in the car! It had been so quick that my parents just thought I had nipped outside in the garden and back! It was only the next morning when I overheard her speaking about a mystery letter that I found out what had gone on from her side.  If her sister  had not opened it or if she would have looked to read who it was addressed to... It was obvious that I wrote it! 

 

But anyway. During those times which don't happen often, I have learned not to do anyting. To go up to my bedroom and put a pillow over my head and go u der the blankets ad hold myself tight there so I don't move! I am not violent during such times, but I can fully understad that if one does lash out it can be quite a difficult situation. 

 

I also get another type of meltdown which I become moody and can't handle a situation, but often these then switch to eing a full shutdown where I am on the floor unable to move. The trigger for this is nearly always a sudden change of plan involving me which I am not ready for, and even today my family assume it is because I am being lazy and I am trying to get out of helping them. They simply don't understand.

I am not openly easy to read from other peoples point of view as I mask my emotions a lot, as I have had to, so only my close family would tell if I was moody etc. I often go quiet. It could be that I am more able to express myself with family then with others?

I do find often others who I have worked with in the past were shocked when they found out I had been suicidal or I had been through a tough time as no one knew. I could be happy and joking on the outside and totally mask what I was on the inside. I have had to do this as some situations I would give a little laugh as a release from hearing sad news and people would go buzzurk with me, so my emotions I have had to learn to mask. Sadly when I should be showing a greatful or happy emotion, I am often not able to show it, and if I then try to it looks false and the other person assumes I am faking trying to be greatful which causes all sorts of issues!

 

 

 

[Mountain Goat]

1 hour ago, 47475 said:

This thread has made interesting reading.

 

Regarding stimming, I occasionally move the fingers of both hands rapidly at the same time, often with my hands behind my neck. I've never seen anyone else do it and have never been able to explain it. It is only when I'm sitting down and usually when concentrating on something, e.g. when working. I usually only do it for a few seconds. I'm now wondering whether this can be explained as stimming or something else. To me it just feels like a release of energy.

 

It is a form of stimming. (It does not in itself mean you are autistic as many people who are not on the autism spectrum share autistic traits as I believe the autism spectrum is based on either how many traits or how serious the traits impact your life etc).

There is also a catagory of people known as BAPS (I can't remember the technical meaning of BAPS), which are basically people who share autistic traits but they are not quite enough to class them as being on the autistic spectrum. For a few of these people, it can be difficult as they may be struggling in one area of their lives ad need some help or support just in this area, but as they are not officially classed as being autistic, they are not entitled to get the help they need.  An example, is someone could be hopeless at handling money and be in debt, and need someone to help but is not classed as having any condition to be entitled to get that help.

[MrWolf]

7 hours ago, Mountain Goat said:

 

What is CPTSD? (Technical letters and terms are hard for me to remember).

 

 

CPTSD is the abbreviation for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Regular post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is generally based around one event, anything from a car accident to a bomb attack. Complex PTSD is that caused by a series of connected events or ongoing trauma such as battle fatigue. Both of us suffer from it for reasons that I am not permitted or willing to discuss. What I can say is that CPTSD has amplified and modified the way that Aspergers affects us so that we don't fit the 'normal' patterns, if there is such a thing. For example, I can't go to my bed when I have an episode, it's the last place I could go. It's a place where rumination takes over and things only ever get worse. I tend to do the opposite, I will get on my motorcycle and go for a run. Concentrating on what I am doing tends to kill off the intrusive thoughts.

[Mountain Goat]

Something that I have found difficult in my life which could relate to autism somehow if I am on the spectrum, is finding and retaining a girlfriend. I first dated at the age of 35, and have only had a few girlfriends since. (If one counts proper dating where I have kissed and cuddled it has only been two girlfriends. 

Why? I don't know. I can$t work it out. I am quite shy around women, but often my Mum would say "Didn't you notice that girl who fancied you back there?" And I would be like "What girl?" And my Mum would say "She could not have made it more obvious!"  

[MrWolf]

I have been lucky this time, finding a girl is relatively easy, hanging on to them is the hard part, especially when most people simply "don't get you". I never had a girlfriend when I was school age, my peers made certain of that, which was indescribably frustrating for me, as is had been very aware of the opposite sex since about the age of six, I kid you not. I had no idea what I wanted to do, I just knew I wanted to do a lot of it! Once I got into the sixth form, everything changed, all of a sudden I was able to start afresh. I had a whole new set of people around me and I was doing what I wanted to do as well as looking how I wanted to. All of a sudden I was considered interesting, I didn't follow fashion, even down to the car I drove and the bikes I rode. I was doing my own thing and that counts for a lot. I was married for a couple of years but the woman I married was only interested in money and getting away from her parents. (something that I have found in many people is that they are looking for a meal ticket. Despite this supposedly being the age of equality, there are plenty of people of both sexes who believe that all that they need to do is look good and everything else will come to them) I know it's an old cliché but be yourself is a good way to live, because YOU get to decide what yourself is.

Fast forward a decade or three and I haven't changed that much, we don't like change do we? I have had a lot of fun despite some truly horrific times (hence the CPTSD,which might not have been so pronounced had I not had such a time as a child and developed normal social skills, still working on that!) You might laugh, you might think of me as a stereotype and I don't care if anyone does, but being a self employed artist with a chequered past, some interesting scars etc, riding around on a vintage motorcycle does tick quite a few of the female fantasy boxes and if you can back that up with some decency and integrity, life isn't too bad. I'm not wealthy or some tanned pretty boy, but for some reason I appeal to younger women, which I am not going to complain about! It's mostly about being honest and not worrying that someone might walk away from you. As soon as you try to be someone you're not, or appear needy, you've lost! If you meet someone, the best opening line is hello.

As for the popular kids who we grew up with, looking back, the truth is often surprising. One class clown who we were all expected to believe had lost his virginity at 11, didn't actually lose it until he was 20. The girl in question came out and told everyone and his dog when they fell out. One of the guys that seemingly all the girls swooned over because he was so fashionably dressed yadda yadda came out as gay at 19. How we greasy Herbert's who had put up with him lording it over us at school laughed our heads off. As for those girls who were early bloomers who all the lads were supposed to fancy (an unwritten law it seemed) by the time they were 25 they were fat, 3 kids, drinking too much and not looking a day over forty.

Life is a very strange thing and you may feel your path is set in stone, but it's never too late until they nail the lid down on your coffin.

[Mountain Goat]

I was in my mid to late 30's when I really realized that I had to be myself. All through my life people tried to make me be like they were and it did not work. I was just too different!

Expected to lose ones virginity at 20? I still have not lost it and I am older then 20 by quite a lot.

 

I think it was a combination of shyness and the inability to read peoples intentions and not being able to guess hints (I am not very good at the hinting process!) is probably why I am single.

[MrWolf]

Perhaps we are going off topic here but I don't think we are as your condition has likely caused a lot of your problems with confidence. Plus nobody is sleeping in this house yet tonight, I am finishing off a painting (and building a GWR wagon) and Miss RR has learned how to use a sewing machine recently.

Firstly, forget about the things you can't change, what you have probably works.

Firstly, look after yourself, I don't mean sign up for a gym, that seldom works without the basics.

Keep clean, I get black messing with old bikes, but a shower and shave takes minutes and makes you feel better about yourself.

Get a haircut every two weeks if you don't wear it long. You feel like you look good.

Don't live in trainers, get a pair of boots or shoes and alternate them, you feel different, not like you are apologising for walking. It also makes you walk upright.

Also don't live in "comfortable" clothes like sweat pants, women worth knowing hate them. Dress right, the way you want to and you feel much more confident. Don't try to follow street fashions, who wants to look like a middle aged chav?

Speak to everyone that you can, keep it brief you don't want to freeze up, keep it simple for the same reason. You will eventually find it comes naturally.

Know what you want and be certain that you will get it. When you go into a coffee shop, don't say "Could I have a cappuccino (or whatever) please?" You sound like you're telling them you are not worthy and taking up their time.

Say: "I'll have a cappuccino please."

Still polite, still simple, but you come across as a confident, assertive man who knows what he wants and knows that he will get it. Smile whilst doing that, you come across as approachable. If it's a girl serving you, she will be inclined to smile back, it's human nature.

Posture. Keep your hands out of your pockets, carry a bag if it helps. Don't fold your arms whilst talking to anyone. Keep your head up straight, practice this the easy way by looking as far ahead as you can whilst walking.

These are not miracle cures and you will have to keep trying, but they are simple achievable things and while you practice, nobody will notice you doing it. They will notice that you are a much more confident and sociable person in time.

[Mountain Goat]

I don't think it is an issue getting ladies attracted to me from the look of it. It is me either not knowing the difference between them wanting a date and being friendly. I never ask them because in the past I have got it wrong as to me some women flirt when they don't mean it, so I never make the first move as I can never tell the difference. 

The big issue for me though is that the hint process just does not work on me. It confuses me when people hint. I can spend weeks or even months trying to work out what a lady meant when she said a hint, only to eventually mention it in a conversation to my Mum and she will tell me the lady was trying to get you to ask her out. 

You mention clothes. Where I live, if one dresses smart it is considered one is pretending to be something one is not and it is very much looked down upon. I have never followed fashions. Due to sensory issues with sensitive skin (I normally have to rip out the labels so I can wear them), and also due to having limited or no funds, I have rarely ever spent money on clothes, but I do need to buy a pair of shoes each year. Due to this I need to be very selective in shoes as they have to double up for many uses. I wear wellington boots when out and about my immediate locality. Most of us do round here as we would ruin other footware and get wet feet! 

I have a pair of walking boots for hiking but I rarely use them as it would be expensive if I wore them out, and I get claustrophobic wearing them. These days I wear a type of shoe version of a hiking boot for normal everyday use when I am driving somewhere. It is not as good as wellies so I need to tread carefully when in some places, but it is more comfortable for driving in as wellies are not usually that great for driving, and they don't last long when one drives in them, as they are always flexing. If it wasn't for that and wellies do tend to make ones feet sweat, I would wear wellies everywhere! 

I have not had trainers that often. We had to wear them for one place I worked, and I was the only person in the store allowed to wear black trainers, as I could not keep white trainers clean due to the work I was doing on the department of the store. I also find trainers don't last long where I live as they are a bit too flimsy, but basketball trainers were stronger so when I had to buy them I would go for those. (I don't mean the 1970's versions which are more of a fasion statement then of any practical use and have come back into fasion lately). 

As the main part of the store I once worked in was a footware section, we were all trained in the various forms of footware and what they were used for. The three types of trainers for different uses etc. It is a fascinating subject.

Edited June 14, 2020 by Mountain Goat