34theletterbetweenB&D Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Many, many years ago, for my sins I was swept into a management gulag, and drafted to a slave gang tasked with operationalising (yes, really) a corporate restructuring. The English language was tortured into a jibbering wreck, with novel usages never encountered before or since, to produce a full documentation of the operational objectives of the business, capable of translation into all major business languages. During this prolonged stay in hell I had a brief moment of respite* and relative sanity, and was able to rewrite the intended director's address at the front of this monster in a more truthful fashion. * The respite. I knew why the fire alarm had gone off. I saw the director in question throw his cigar butt in the waste bin and watched it smoulder. It was pissing with rain on a grim November day, so for the first and last time in my life I ignored the bells and stayed at my desk. Don't ever follow my example children. Disaffected, Moi? Dear Colleague, Welcome to the year ahead with Jobsworth’s Dynamatron. Within this corporation we work to a set of priorities and goals to which none of us can quickly or easily relate. Priority Deluge Cascade is the means by which the corporation’s strategic intent, mission, vision, policies, priorities, goals, objectives, performance measures, improvement actions, closed loop corrections, rules, other rules, by-plays, stratagems, sneaky manoeuvres and ploys are dumped on every employee. The Greenish Folder is the vehicle used. Depending on the height from which it impacts on your work environment some thought should be given when engaging with it, in order to avoid injury. If you find the time to read it while in the office then we have not given you enough to do. If you find it enjoyable, then your career will likely prosper mightily, since this style of document is a proven resource in baffling both internal and external customers, and other organisations that might have an interest in our actions. There is a section within the Deluge folder, for you to add your own personal objectives. Your manager will schedule some time with you, so that you may both be immersed in the relevant parts of the Deluge Cascade. This cold shower is specified because internal data confirms that not only are employee’s objectives often inconsistent with those of the corporation, but also frequently illegal or unpleasant to boot. Not, be it understood, necessarily more illegal or unpleasant than the corporation’s objectives, simply presently inconsistent; the full value of this three hundred and sixty degree objectives review is that it enables awful concepts developed at the individual employee level to be fully integrated into the corporate bloodstream. These policies, performance measures, improvement actions and closed loop corrections have enabled the corporation to mislead examining, regulatory and standards bodies and authorities with consistent success. Your attention to performance in this sphere will efficiently obscure from any external party the actual state of the interactions, products and service delivery inflicted on our suppliers, partners, customers and clients. With this vision of the corporation firmly in your sights, I wish you every success in your wild career through Jobsworths’ Dynamatron. Signed, Director. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Stationmaster Posted February 15, 2011 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 15, 2011 My approach was much simpler - 'Right chaps we're heading for another round of budget cuts and a reorganisation so what I'd like you to think about very carefully is if you want to go this year - before you form a queue at my door saying you do. Once I know that I'll write up the new organisation and Duty Sheets and check with you that you're happy before I send it off to my lord & master and once he's approved it we'll spend 5 minutes on the formal consultation and then a couple of hours deciding how we'll organise the farewell lunches for those who are going'. I did it that way about 4 or 5 years in a row (in two different organisations) and it worked like a charm every time. The most amusing bit was that I cut out the job of one bloke twice in two separate organisations about 8 years apart - our wives got to know each other quite well nattering at farewell lunches. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 A late friend of mine once worked for the former multinational / conglomerate known as Delta, during the period when they were selling off businesses / assets / retrenching in order to save money. His stories-by-text-message were a joy to read, and had me in tears as he described the headless chicken operation that he saw in front of him. Much of the savings that Delta made were eventually paid out in bonuses to senior management and above, so one wonders what the points of making savings was. Much the same thing happened again when he moved to work for Cubic Transport Systems, the guys who gave us the Oystercard. In fact, so great was the volume of Office English that, on his return from a holiday, he came in to find a large number of meaningless e-mails from colleagues in his Inbox. This, he told me, was solved, by clicking "Select All", followed by "Delete"...... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southernman46 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 In my case - it is frequently to leave it and go and do some proper work out on the track Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Much of the savings that Delta made were eventually paid out in bonuses to senior management and above, so one wonders what the points of making savings was. To be able to pay bonuses to senior management and above - obviously! Personally, the best thing I ever did at the office was to write my request to retire. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 This, he told me, was solved, by clicking "Select All", followed by "Delete"...... Brilliant Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisf Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 The best thing I ever did was keep my mouth shut on one occasion and one only. My last line manager was a qualified accountant, though some of the rather basic questions that she would ask about Government accounting policy did make me wonder. When we had a massive argument, a not infrequent occurrence, she would often say that she spent four years at University studying accountancy. Once I really wanted to ask her which year she repeated but the brown stuff would have hit the fan if I had. Chris Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 ....she spent four years at University studying accountancy... Sounds like you could add "mis-" in front of the word "spent" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Stationmaster Posted February 15, 2011 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 15, 2011 The best thing I ever did was keep my mouth shut on one occasion and one only. My last line manager was a qualified accountant, though some of the rather basic questions that she would ask about Government accounting policy did make me wonder. When we had a massive argument, a not infrequent occurrence, she would often say that she spent four years at University studying accountancy. Once I really wanted to ask her which year she repeated but the brown stuff would have hit the fan if I had. Chris That reminds me of a little incident which occurred in the West Country back in the mid 1970s. Following the 'broad interpretation of the Rules' the Asst Area Manager involved was in conversation with a section in the Divisional Office and was told - in order to demonstrate his inexperience no doubt - by the chap in the DMO '… and I have 22 years experience in this field'. To which said Asst Area Manager replied 'are you sure that isn't one year times twenty two?' Man at other end of 'phone exploded - but retired from that post some years later, the Asst Area manager finished up in a fairly senior post in Network South East, which suggests that there might be a moral in the story. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
eastwestdivide Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Best thing I did at the office was during a big presentation of the new strategic marketing plan. Picture the scene, after many powerpoint slides crammed with diagrams and jargon... Big boss: "so is that pretty much clear then?" ... slightly embarrassing pause, with various highly educated and intelligent people glancing at each other... Me: "to be honest, I haven't got the faintest idea what that was all about" Cue relieved laughter all round, including, to his credit, from the boss, who then proceeded to explain it without jargon and diagrams. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold DaveF Posted February 15, 2011 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 15, 2011 Best thing I ever did as a teacher was to end up with a teaching job with slightly unusual hours which meant that I could never go to another "Training Day" or "Continuing Professional Development" session. Bliss!! Second best was retiring then taking a part time job involving IT in education (timetabling, finance etc) and making sure I never need to be at work when any training is happening (and working mainly from home). David Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dilbert Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 My first introduction to American management techniques (many, many moons ago) was when the company I worked for was acquired by an American multi-national. Some senior execs (there was one who had to apply for his first passport) crossed the pond to deliver the "dog 'n pony show' to the workforce and their 'values' message. Various subjects were broached but the most popular was the Corporate America dress code. This piece started out dull and dour; two piece suits, colour and style of ties & braces, size of belt buckles (if your beer gut has a substantial overhang, this is less problematic), but they were given a rousing cheer after announcing that 'female employees were not allowed to wear pants' . Shocking !! Oh, happy days... dilbert Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arthur Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 an American multi-national. Some senior execs (there was one who had to apply for his first passport) A few years back the American multinational I worked for decided to take their domestic (US based) sales force on their first foreign conference. Now these were all college graduates and were VERY well paid, 80% of them had to get their first passports, they'd never previously left the states. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 16, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 16, 2011 A few years back the American multinational I worked for decided to take their domestic (US based) sales force on their first foreign conference. Now these were all college graduates and were VERY well paid, 80% of them had to get their first passports, they'd never previously left the states. Less than 20% of Americans have passports. With such a vast and diverse country I don't suppose they feel it necessary to go abroad. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arthur Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I appreciate that Phil but it gives them a very narrow world view. They always thought that what worked there would work here and had no comprehension of different cultures. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamouti Ben Yafo Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Yes, I have been in a firm taken over by the Septics. One addition to my Job Description was 'to actively market the company' and it was pointed out that we represented the firm 24/7, thus allowing them to intrude - if they wished - on any part of our lives. (Nor were they amused when I suggested that I was happy with this if I coul;d put in timesheets for all this time). The disciplinary policy was suitably vague with nonsense about behaviour 'bringing the company into disrepute' (no examples cited) and sickness being an offence if it inconvenienced the company. We didn't get a personal visit from anyone from New Rome, though. But they - Southern Cross - remain paragons of virtue. Why, the venerable Mr Hislop has had occasion to write about them in more issues of Private Eye than I can mention. Best thing I did? Resign! And even then a relief manager tried not to issue me a termination date so I could inform my new employer (and, dear friends, NEVER resign without arranging something first!). Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Maybe not the best thing ever but once upon a time in Houston I was wrapping up a fixed term project. The bloke I worked for was pretty casual and a really good guy. However his co-manager was a complete moron. I didn't have to answer to him or have anything to do with his projects but he was always trying to steal my time. On the last day he came over to my cubicle and demanded I change my flight and stay an extra week to fix a problem with some of the software his bunch had been working on. Since there was no chance of this happening, I grabbed my Dogbert stress toy (foam thingy that helps with carpal tunnel excercises) stood up, pointed it at him, and shouted "Out Out Demons of Stupidity". Saint Dogbert The rest of the office broke out into laughter. After flying home I found out that my manager had called to try and get me for another 9 months, which I sadly couldn't do as I was already booked up, and a few weeks later the moron's contract was terminated when he failed to deliver his application. Just goes to show that Saint Dogbert works in strange and wonderful ways. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Stationmaster Posted February 16, 2011 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 16, 2011 Another little entertainment from my past life. Back in the mid 1980s I was very deeply involved in conjuring up and validating ideas for major infrastructure change (basically to give Mr Serpell something to put in his report). However some schemes I worked up turned into real projects and had to go through various committees and one thing which became noticeable was that people on these committees sometimes gave some of the documentation no more than a cursory glance before going to the meeting which first considered the proposal. Now it happened that one of these meetings was booked to take place on 1 April so with the connivance of my boss I wrote a spoof one page paper seeking authority to develop major line speed improvements on the region's most important routes. The paper duly went through a summary of reasons for raising line speed with basic justifications that needed authority to examine and cost in detail but it was 'delayed' and went out after the usual 'one week prior' deadline and it was also at the bottom of the agenda - a sure way with a short paper of getting as near as possible to guaranteeing that no one would look at it before the meeting. My boss rang me after the meeting to explain that when they got to my paper nobody had looked at it (as hoped) so they all sat in the meeting studiously reading it until the Chairman got to the final sentence and announced, with a broad smile, that as he didn't think the BRB would be very keen on problems with inter-Regional working if the WR adopted a gauge of c.7ft (in order to significantly raise train speeds) he regrettably could not agree the paper's request for authority to develop a gauge widening scheme for all the main routes on the Region. Sometimes you can have a bit of fun in big organisations Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 ....My boss rang me after the meeting to explain that when they got to my paper nobody had looked at it (as hoped) so they all sat in the meeting studiously reading it until the Chairman got to the final sentence and announced, with a broad smile, that as he didn't think the BRB would be very keen on problems with inter-Regional working if the WR adopted a gauge of c.7ft (in order to significantly raise train speeds) he regrettably could not agree the paper's request for authority to develop a gauge widening scheme for all the main routes on the Region. Sometimes you can have a bit of fun in big organisations You couldn't get away with that type of thing nowadays. I suspect a lot of today's "top brass" wouldn't get the "broad gauge" joke, because they wouldn't know about the GW prior to 1892 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamouti Ben Yafo Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Just goes to show that Saint Dogbert works in strange and wonderful ways. Just be sure your opponent doesn't respond with that evil demiurge, Alex Masterly! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Just be sure your opponent doesn't respond with that evil demiurge, Alex Masterly! Now I'm getting frightened. After writing my bit above earlier this morning, I invoked Saint Dogbert to deliver me from the Demons of Stupidity just for a giggle with the person I share desk space with. 10 mins later I get a message that the client's project manager will not be in today. We got more done in the 20 min status meeting without him than we've accomplished in the past 3 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penlan Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I don't know if to those affected the following was the best things I've ever done, bu... Following Maggies introduction of Compulsory Competitive Tendering (CCT) into local Government, I became a Direct Labour Organisation (DLO) Senior Manager directly responsible for the labour force and management of the Building and Grounds Maintenance Sections (the buck stopped here!). Due to the way the Client Sections and true blue Council worded the Contracts we lost a few, especially in rural areas on the Welsh border and we had to negotiate with the unions a way round the last in, first out culture. We agreed a Skills Audit and thus built up a marks system, those with the least points would basically be made redundant (as I was eventually). The reason was that in the rural areas we had perapathetic teams who drove round in 'transits'/'Land Rovers' etc., doing routine grounds maintenace works at Schools, Colleges etc., If we had to retain the old principles we would have had teams of people unable to drive, tunnel vision (yes - that had been a problem with hedge cutting!!), no chain saw certificates and in general a gammy limb or two and bad backs, not the most efficient teams to have. With the skills audit we had teams that could deliver (jargon?) and older personel who could retire a bit earlier. We also had to keep a small team to 'help out' one man and his dog contractors who failed to deliver etc., The other time in the same organisation, we lost some cleaning contracts in the County near Birmingham, again we with the Unions agreed a policy of a skills audit - we lost about 400 cleaners (that left us with around 1,300), but managed to retain around 40 who we made into 'flying Squads' to go to schools, homes, police stations, etc., should there be a shortfall in our staff (rarely) or the private cleaners bused in from Birmingham, that didn't come (often). When I 'my post' was made redundant, so where 70 other of my direct employees due to the Client Departments letting contracts to 'small' firms, and clever footwork seemingly by the County Treasurer in cross subsidies from the DLO accounts to other Client departments, we couldn't query this with the Council Committees because all financial matters going to Council have to be approved by the County Treasurer - he's not likely to approve a document pointing out he is doing something not allowed... A final good/best thing, I and my other two Senior Managers (Cleaning and Catering) use to pay for all our staff in the DLO office in taking them out at least a couple of evenings a year, to the theatre, another night for dinner etc.,, and also run training days just before Christmas for Area Managers and Supervisors, they invariably went away with a 'good' goody bag that prior visiting contractors had forgotten to take away with them..... PS - Edit - The building side was mainly sourced from 714 Cert., Sub-Contractors, we sorted a fast track payments system for them, invoices in on a Monday, if OK, paid on the Friday week, we got some loyalty from that. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Stationmaster Posted February 16, 2011 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 16, 2011 Indeed. Did the Red Star "Person To Blame" briefing ever make it as far as your neck of the woods ? The general gist was that far too many things were going wrong for which senior managers were getting chastised (if not actually sacked), and it caused a few heated team meetings until the pennies eventually dropped. "The nominated PTB must be of at least Supervisory Grade, but not above MS2. The PTB need not know anything of the events or mishap in question. In the event of two qualified PTBs being present at the same event or mishap, the more astute shall appoint the other." Then there was the Ops Supervisor who responded to the first Regional Railways Safety Management System (3 A4 ring binders, 3 copies, 1 each for office, van and home) by sending in a stores order for a controlled bookcase to keep it all in, and when that didn't work, submitted a draft "Procedure for Safe W*******g" for consideration by the SMS steering group. Fortunately my acquaintance with RR's safety management was very brief (might have been a shame as I was offered a job in RR on the basis that I was the sort of person who would 'commonsense' that kind of thing at birth if the dumbos started to go for stuff like that - but I was only there a few weeks before going on promotion elsewhere to a job I'd been interviewed for a while previously - 1994 was a year of considerable upheaval for some of us and a lot of folk didn't go where they had been intended to go for all sorts of reasons). And alas 'no' I never saw the PTB thing - I probably wouldn't have been meant to at my grade Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest stuartp Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Sorry Mike, I meant to edit that - not delete it ! We did have some fun with the RR tick-box mentality. At the time I was Ops Supervisor at Appleby; I was 23 and my 2 dozen assorted staff had all forgotten far more about signalling than I could ever hope to learn. All very quiet and dour but all with a very quick, and often wicked, sense of humour. A missive arrives from York instructing that I should select a task involving more than an average degree of risk, and observe the man carrying it out to see if he committed any unsafe acts or shortcuts. About the most dangerous routine task I could think of was lamping at Garsdale so one morning we assemble - me, the line manager (along for the ride) and Dublo Dave - Booking Clerk, occasional Lamp Man, and purveyor of quality second-hand model railway goods (quite often via ticket office windows). The usual force nine is blowing across the fell. "So let me get this right. You two gadgies are going to watch me trim t'lamp, walk all the way to the down distant, and stand at the bottom with a clip board while I shin up it and change t'lamp ?" "Yeah, that's about the long and short of it." "Why ?" "Because someone at York says so." "If you're going to walk down there anyway, why don't I just give you t'lamp, and I'll sit in your van while you tick boxes and he changes it ?" "Er..." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Stationmaster Posted February 16, 2011 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 16, 2011 Sorry Mike, I meant to edit that - not delete it ! No worries Stuart but I am concerned that you clearly haven't been on a 'Quality In Editing' course yet. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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