The Forum Jokes Thread

[QRModeller]

Macka, Jacko and Bazza had gone down to the pub one night for a few drinks.  After a couple of hours, Bazza needed a pee, so he headed out the back to the outdoor dunny (you know the type - a rusty little shed made of corrugated iron that looks like a cough might knock it over, one that may or may not be home to a snake but is definitely home to a couple of large spiders and constantly has flies buzzing around it).

 

After fifteen minutes, Macka and Jacko started to get a bit worried, so they headed out the back to see if Bazza was alright.  As they started to head out towards the dunny, they heard a blood curdling scream coming from that direction.  Fearing the worst, they ran over, calling out Bazza’s name.  Following another scream, they proceeded to ask if Bazza was alright.

 

“NO!!” came the reply.  “There’s something livin’ in the can and every time I try an’ get up, it reaches up and grabs me balls!

 

Realising their mate was in trouble, they cautiously entered, but, as they shone the torch onto Bazza, they both fell onto the ground, laughing uncontrollably.  Bazza wasn’t in the dunny at all.  He’d gone into the shed by mistake and was sitting on the mop bucket with his foot on the pedal!

 

 

Matt.

[QRModeller]

The Drinking Man’s Prayer

 

Our Beer that art in Barrels

Hallowed be thy Drink

Thy will get drunk

Thy will be drunk at home as in the Local

Give us today out daily spillage

Forgive us our spills

As we forgive those who spill against us

Lead us not into the poncy art of wine tasting

And deliver us from alco-pops

For mine is the Bitter, the Lager, the Ale, and the Dry

Forever and ever

Barmen

 

 

Matt.

[Highlandman]

More little Johnny. (Another week)

 

Teacher: This morning class we are going to do words. I would like you to come up with a sentence with the word definitely in it.

 

As she looked around the classroom Johnny put is hand up and started to wave it about.

 

Johnny: Oo, Oo, Miss Miss.

 

Teacher: Is there anyone at all?

 

Johnny: Oo oo miss miss.

 

Teacher: Can no one think of a sentence?

 

Johnny: Oo oo miss miss.

 

Teacher: (reluctantly) Yes Johnny do you have a sentence?

 

Johnny: Yes miss, but a question first. Is there such a thing as lumpy farts?

 

Teacher: No Johnny of course there isn't.

 

Johnny: Well in that case I've DEFINITELY sh*t myself.

[PGC]

And Little Johnny strikes once more!!!!!!!

 

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

 

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

 

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

 

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F**K OFF!", the dog ate him!"

[luckymucklebackit]

A few I have gathered together,,,,

 

An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st-Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd-What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye punched the bejasus out of them!!"


Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son, Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"


Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though, her clothes arrived yesterday!!"


A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarfs?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
 

Now to poke fun at those east of the Pennines...

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
 

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft !"
 

The last is always best:
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

 

Jim

[DonB]

True Story....

 

A neighbour's wife had volunteered to assist at the school Nativity Play. Along  with other volunteers she needed to be on stage to guide and direct the 3-4 year old participants.

 

The volunteers would be suitably attired as "non-speaking Angels"

 

My neighbour commented that she was miscast on both counts!

[Enterprisingwestern]

A few I have gathered together,,,,

 

An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"1st-Who was born in a stable?"

"Red Rum" he replied

"2nd-What do you think of Damascus?"

"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"

"That’s easy" he said "Popeye punched the bejasus out of them!!"

 

 

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind Son, Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

 

 

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"

3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though, her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

 

 

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarfs?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

 

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

 

Now to poke fun at those east of the Pennines...

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

 

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft ######!"

 

The last is always best:

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

 

Jim

 

Those last four are racist and I shall be reporting you to the relevant authorities.

 

Mike.

[PGC]

You'd have though Little Johnny would have learnt to keep his mouth shut by now..........

 

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I have too?"

 

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

 

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

 

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

 

After a long silence, little Johnny rose and said, " Miss , you ain't got no pendulum!"

[PGC]

Not Little Johnny this time!

 

Cinderella was 75 years old. Having lived a good, long life with the now dead Prince, she sat happily in a rocking chair her front porch, watching the world go by with a cat called Alan for company.

 

One sunny afternoon, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Startled, Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

 

The Fairy godmother replied, “Well Cinderella, you have lived such a good wholesome life since we last met, that I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

 

Cinderella is taken aback but overjoyed, so after some consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish - “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension” Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned and Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said “Oh thank you Fairy godmother”.

 

The Fairy Godmother replied “It is the least I could do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?” Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said “ I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again”.

 

At once, her desired wish became reality and her beautiful, youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years, and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

 

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. “You have one more wish, what shall it be?

 

After a short pause, Cinderella looked over at the frightened cat in the corner and said “ I wish you to transform Alan, my old cat, into a beautiful and handsome young man.

 

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental a change in his biological make up, and when the change was complete he stood before her, a boy so beautiful, the like of which she nor the world had ever seen. So fair, indeed, was Alan, that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

 

The Fairy Godmother again spoke “ Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life” and with a blinding flash of bright blue light, she was gone.

 

For a few eerie, quiet moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to where she sat transfixed in her golden rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular young arms. He leant in close to her head, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, and into her ear whispered, “I bet you regret having my knackers chopped off now, don’t you?”.

[PGC]

Most apt for RM Web!!!!!!!!!

 

At last, Gordon Brown reluctantly decided to throw in the towel and resign.   His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him so a senior 'Sir Humphrey' travelled from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum in York to investigate the possibilities.

 

"They do have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought railway consultant told the top civil servant, "however, these are mostly freight locomotives."

 

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister." said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to Number 4472.

 

"But 4472 already has a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'The Flying Scotsman'."

 

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

 

"I suppose it might be considered." said the consultant. "After all, the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

 

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then: let's look at renaming 4472.  But how much will it cost?   We can't spend too much, given the recent parliamentary expenses scandal."

 

"Well," said the consultant, "why don't we just paint out the F'?"

[Highlandman]

Little Johnny's back

 

All the children have just return to school after the autumn half term and the teacher went round the class asking each child what they did in the holidays.

 

Two had had birthdays during the week and quite a few had been to bonfire night celebrations.

 

At the mention of fire works little Johnny raised his hand and shouted out "Miss, Miss, I did something exciting"

 

"Oh!!" said the teacher with some trepidation, "what did you do the Johnny?"

 

"We went round shoving bangers up cats ars*s Miss."

 

"Rectum Johnny, rectum." corrected the teacher.

 

"Wrecked 'em miss, we damn blew their bloody heads off."

[bluebottle]

Not a joke as such, but an example of effective use of wit and ridicule by Yorkshire primary school pupils:

A lad at the Rotherham school where Mrs bb taught turned up with his hair fashionably cut into a grid pattern hair style. The Head teacher wasn't pleased, but was reluctant to take heavy-handed measures; however, the boy's classmates dealt with the situation. 

Until his hair grew and the offending patterning disappeared, he was derided by the other children as "Chip-pan 'eid".

[PGC]

A PERSPECTIVE ON STRATEGIES (OR ‘DOESN’T THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?’)

 

 

Navajo tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

 

1. Buying a stronger whip.

 

2. Changing riders.

 

3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."

 

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

 

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

 

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

 

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

 

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

 

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.

 

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."

 

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

 

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

 

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

 

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

 

15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

 

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

 

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

 

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

 

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

 

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

 

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[PhilJ W]

 

A PERSPECTIVE ON STRATEGIES (OR ‘DOESN’T THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?’)

 

 

Navajo tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

 

1. Buying a stronger whip.

 

2. Changing riders.

 

3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."

 

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

 

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

 

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

 

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

 

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

 

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.

 

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."

 

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

 

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

 

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

 

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

 

15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

 

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

 

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

 

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

 

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

 

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

 

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

The last was common practice were I used to work.

[Colin_McLeod]

Is that how you made it to the top then?   

[bluebottle]

Is that how you made it to the top then?   

 

So cruel, Colin!

[Colin_McLeod]

Well Phil did leave the opportunity wide open.  No hard feelings Phil !!

[PhilJ W]

Don't worry, I was told once that I was not management material, much to my relief.

[DonB]

Not a joke as such, but an example of effective use of wit and ridicule by Yorkshire primary school pupils:

A lad at the Rotherham school where Mrs bb taught turned up with his hair fashionably cut into a grid pattern hair style. The Head teacher wasn't pleased, but was reluctant to take heavy-handed measures; however, the boy's classmates dealt with the situation. 

Until his hair grew and the offending patterning disappeared, he was derided by the other children as "Chip-pan 'eid".

Such ridicule could be construed as Bullying!!

[Ian Smeeton]

• True Story

A cousin in Ayrshire with prominent ears and a shortish haircut was immediately christened on beginning in  a new position

 

"Wing Nut"

 

After a further haircut, a reaction to the razor and a sunny day resulted in a reaction to all the stimulii, at which point he was re-christened

 

"Rash Heid"

 

Regards

 

Ian

[Horsetan]

 

A PERSPECTIVE ON STRATEGIES (OR ‘DOESN’T THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?’)

 

 

Navajo tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

 

1. Buying a stronger whip.

 

2. Changing riders.

 

3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."

 

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

 

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

 

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

 

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

 

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

 

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.

 

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."

 

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

 

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

 

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

 

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

 

15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

 

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

 

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

 

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

 

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

 

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

 

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Could we leave the horse out of this?

[pH]

Could we leave the horse out of this?

As in "au dehors"?

[Highlandman]

Horsetan, on 02 Apr 2014 - 00:00, said:

Could we leave the horse out of this?

 

pH, on 02 Apr 2014 - 00:20, said:pH, on 02 Apr 2014 - 00:20, said:

As in "au dehors"?

 

 

 I thought he meant as in Findus.

Edited April 2, 2014 by Highlandman

[Enterprisingwestern]

Could we leave the horse out of this?

 

Why, is it making you feel peckish?

 

Mike.

[bluebottle]

Such ridicule could be construed as Bullying!!

 

Are you serious, Don? Have you never read "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer", or the "Just William" stories? I would imagine that such name-calling among small boys is a world-wide phenomenon. In any case, my wife, with her twenty-five years experience of teaching in schools ranging from primaries to Borstal, had an acute sense of when robust behaviour shaded into bullying - as do most teachers worth their salt.