The Forum Jokes Thread

[Shedman5]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7 miles,
through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers". Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!" "No," I replied, "I'm just a really golfer"

 

 

 

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
for example...


A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her
bedroom, from under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She
reaches for a golf club and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading the Post.

"Hi love", he says, "Your mum and dad have come to visit , so l
let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say ‘hello’?”

[AndyB]

Breaking news from Sochi. 

The winning team in the curling competition has tested positive for Pledge.

 

[PhilJ W]

Police stop a Romanian registered Transit van on a motorway, the policeman goes up to the driver and says "Your only allowed 70 in this country." The driver turns round and calls into the back of the van "Three of you will have to get off."

[PhilJ W]

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1330832063118

[Wacol]

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'

'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.


 

[PhilJ W]

There is a bit of confusion over the decision of all political parties not to allow an independent Scotland to carry on using the pound. In fact when lunch was ordered they all requested stuffed salmon.

[kevinlms]

Old age jokes

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up
onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

Edited to add this one.

 

 

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into a bar and sat on a stool beside an
attractive young lady.
"Excuse me," he said, "Do I come here often?"

Edited February 14, 2014 by kevinlms

[ian]

Last night I performed the William Tell Overture on a ukelele. It took a lot of pluck...

[Steve K]

Breaking news from Sochi. 

The winning team in the curling competition has tested positive for Pledge.

 

Was that the Polish team?

[AndyB]

Was that the Polish team?

Very funny, Steve. 

Actually 

 

[Budgie]

The UK floods were predicted in the bible:

 

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1617839/thumbs/o-BIBLE-FLOODS-SPOOF-570.jpg?6

[luckymucklebackit]

Bit of high brow comedy...

 

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says:- "I would like a martinus."
The barman says-:"Don't you mean a martini?"
Caesar says-:"If I'd wanted a double I'd have asked for one!"
 

Jim

[luckymucklebackit]

There is a bit of confusion over the decision of all political parties not to allow an independent Scotland to carry on using the pound. In fact when lunch was ordered they all requested stuffed salmon.

 

When God had finished creating Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction. Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look. "Just see," said God. "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some."

Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?"

"Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God.

[Danemouth]

When God had finished creating Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction. Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look. "Just see," said God. "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some."

Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?"

"Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God.

And there's a similar story from Wales:

 

In the beginning the Lord God Almighty turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

 

“Gabby, today I am going to create a beautiful part of the Earth and I shall call it Wales. I will make a country of breath-taking blue lakes, rich green forests and dark beautiful mountains which  from time to time will be snow covered. I will give it clear swift rivers which will overflow the salmon and trout.

 

The land shall be lush and fertile on which people can raise cattle and sheep and grow food as well as being rich with precious metals and stones that will be much sought after the world over. I shall lay rich seams of coal for the inhabitants to mine. Around the coast I will make some of the most beautiful areas in the world, white sandy beaches and cliffs that will attract all manner of wildlife and lots of islands that will be a paradise to all who visit them.

 

In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of sea life. The people who live there will be called Welsh and will be the friendliest on Earth”.

 

“Excuse me Lord” interrupted the Archangel Gabriel “don’t you think you are being a bit generous with these Welsh?”.

 

“Don’t talk crap” replied the Lord, “wait until you see the bloody neighbours I’m giving them!”.

 

Dave

[Enterprisingwestern]

Twice as bad for England, we've got two very iffy neighbours.

 

Mike.

[Budgie]

Twice as bad for England, we've got two very iffy neighbours.

So why do so many English people go on holiday to Wales and Scotland, then.

[raymw]

So why do so many English people go on holiday to Wales and Scotland, then.

'cos when they get back home, they appreciate England,

[Platform 6]

So why do so many English people go on holiday to Wales and Scotland, then.

 

Because safaris are frowned upon these days 

[BoD]

And the Archangel Gabriel said "But Lord, won't the people be lonely with all these beautiful wide open spaces?"

The Lord replied "fear not, for I have created plenty of sheep".

[peanuts]

Twice as bad for England, we've got two very iffy neighbours.

 

Mike.

could be even worse and live in Canada  look at their neighbours 

[PhilJ W]

could be even worse and live in Canada  look at their neighbours 

And on two sides.

[bluebottle]

It's the same the world over; it seems to be ordained that every country's neighbours are perfectly cast as rivals/enemies, it's all part of some divine plan. Mind thee, If the Good Lord had thought a bit further on't, He'd have gerrymandered it so as Leeds were part of that other place over t'Pennines ...

[shortliner]

It's the same the world over; it seems to be ordained that every country's neighbours are perfectly cast as rivals/enemies, it's all part of some divine plan. Mind thee, If the Good Lord had thought a bit further on't, He'd have gerrymandered it so as Leeds were part of that other place over t'Pennines ...

 

Tha's reet, lad - but there's sum on 'ere as'd say 'e did! 

Edited February 16, 2014 by shortliner

[Enterprisingwestern]

It's the same the world over; it seems to be ordained that every country's neighbours are perfectly cast as rivals/enemies, it's all part of some divine plan. Mind thee, If the Good Lord had thought a bit further on't, He'd have gerrymandered it so as Leeds were part of that other place over t'Pennines ...

 

If only.

 

Mike.

[peanuts]

It's the same the world over; it seems to be ordained that every country's neighbours are perfectly cast as rivals/enemies, it's all part of some divine plan. Mind thee, If the Good Lord had thought a bit further on't, He'd have gerrymandered it so as Leeds were part of that other place over t'Pennines ...

you can keep it !

 

Lancashire not arrogant just better