ThePurplePrimer Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 Always Remember A pig is for life - it's not just for breakfast ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
C&WR Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 And a puppy is not just for Christmas. You need to keep some slices for sandwiches on Boxing Day... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted March 13, 2014 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted March 13, 2014 Remember a turkey is for Christmas. Not for life! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 A couple had relocated to the dales, and were a little apprehensive about how their small son would adapt from a tough inner-city school to a rural one. They were pleased after his first day when he came in obviously happy and excited about a visit to a local farm: “We saw pigs, an' we saw sheep, an' we saw chickens, an' we saw f*ckers ---” “WHAT!?” “Well, that's what the farmer said they was.” “I'm quite sure he didn't!” “No … 'e said 'effers, but I knew what 'e meant!” (Borrowed and adapted from Gervaise Phinn) 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
C&WR Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 And a pile of milk bottles which he thought was a cow's nest? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted March 13, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 13, 2014 Never force children to Pray At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer... BOY: But I don't know how to pray. DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc . BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my biscuits and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's iphone5 and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mum's room when daddy is at work. °°°AMEN°°°° Dinner was cancelled. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 Always Remember A pig is for life - it's not just for breakfast ! 7-470-01.jpg I was going to rate this as a disagree as I love pig for breakfast, but I suppose one could be a life long companion. As I am sure a lot of us already know! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coombe Barton Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 There's a new name for dogs scent marking lamp posts or trees that are then sniffed by other dogs. It's call wee-mail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ... Today you voted.' 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOARD OF TRADE Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Forthcoming broadcast on BBC1 of "Who do you think you are?" Daved Moyes discovers that his Great Grandfather was Capt.Smith of The Titanic Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
lightengine Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Forthcoming broadcast on BBC1 of "Who do you think you are?" Daved Moyes discovers that his Great Grandfather was Capt.Smith of The Titanic No doubt when he appears on Desert Island Disc, some of his selection will be, Down Down, Slip Sliding Away and You Aint Seen Nothing Yet! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Why are polititians like a tortoise balanced on a post? You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there,he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond hisability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumbass put him upthere to begin with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted March 18, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 18, 2014 DON'T ARGUE WITH ME! I've got a black belt in fish & chips...... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horsetan Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 The whole secessionist thing in Ukraine is just Crimeanal. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 The whole secessionist thing in Ukraine is just Crimeanal. Crimea river. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
lightengine Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 DON'T ARGUE WITH ME! I've got a black belt in fish & chips...... I have a black belt in origami. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
69843 Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 I have a black belt.... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) I'm black belt, in getting the wrong answer to questions at school!Not my fault! They keep asking the wrong questions...... Edited March 18, 2014 by 80104 Productions Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
lightengine Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 I have a black belt.... I have a sister in the wrens! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I have a black belt in origami. I used to belong to an origami club, but they folded! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted March 19, 2014 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 19, 2014 I used to belong to an origami club, but they folded! So did I, but the club house blew away. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Why do ladies rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? Because they don't have balls to scratch. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted March 19, 2014 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 19, 2014 Why do ladies rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? Because they don't have balls to scratch. Unless they're a Soviet Russian woman athlete. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 Latest theory on the missing Malaysian Airlier, the plane has reported to have crash landed on what seems to be a deserted tropical island. However the survivors continued survival is threatened by a number of mysterious entities, including polar bears, an unseen creature that roams the jungle (the "Smoke Monster"), and the island's malevolent inhabitants known as "the Others". They have encountered a French woman named Danielle Rousseau who was shipwrecked on the island 16 years before them and is desperate for news of someone called Alex. They have also found a mysterious metal hatch buried in the ground. And you thought it was fiction...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
C&WR Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I think you, er, "Lost" Colin there... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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