The Forum Jokes Thread

[andytrains]

What's the difference between an BMW and a porcupine?

 

A porcupine's pr*cks are on the outside.

Similar for Audis!

[bluebottle]

This is a pretty old joke, but I suspect that a lot of RMwebbers have been born since I last heard it …

 

An elderly man lived in an isolated house somewhere along the Russo-Finnish border. It was thought that he lived on the Russian side, until one day a Russian surveyor came his door to tell him that he was, in fact, a few metres on the Finnish side.

“Oh, thank God!” said the old chap. “I couldn't have stood another of those Russian winters!”

 

Well, at least I kept it short ... 

[DavidB-AU]

An elderly man lived in an isolated house somewhere along the Russo-Finnish border. It was thought that he lived on the Russian side, until one day a Russian surveyor came his door to tell him that he was, in fact, a few metres on the Finnish side.

“Oh, thank God!” said the old chap. “I couldn't have stood another of those Russian winters!”

There was a similar version of that recorded in diaries of one branch of my family going back many centuries. The earliest written account was in the 17th century and even then it was noted as being passed down through the generations orally. They came from Schleswig-Holstein at the southern end of the Jutland Peninsula so they were variously Danish or German (depending on whose army was occupying at the time).

 

Cheers

David

[bluebottle]

There was a similar version of that recorded in diaries of one branch of my family going back many centuries. The earliest written account was in the 17th century and even then it was noted as being passed down through the generations orally. They came from Schleswig-Holstein at the southern end of the Jutland Peninsula so they were variously Danish or German (depending on whose army was occupying at the time).

 

Cheers

David

 

As I said, it's a pretty old joke. I've no doubt that, 50.000 years ago, Neanderthals shivering in the caves at Creswell Crags during an easing in the last ice age cracked a similar joke about whatever they called Derbyshire and Yorkshire in those days.

[Londontram]

I was in my house last night when a dark hooded figure approached. He had a scythe in one hand and was coming straight at me. In a panic I grabbed the object nearest at hand and beat him off with it. It turned out that my weapon was our vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with Death!

 

 

and before anyone can say it I know that joke sucks

[andytrains]

BMW  &  Audis.  =  Evilness being driven.  (My opinion).

[andytrains]

What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

 

Your job still sucks! 

[andytrains]

What is long cold and slimy and smells like pork.

 

Kermits finger.

Edited April 26, 2014 by andytrains

[EHertsGER]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

 

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

 

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

 

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..

 

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

 

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

 

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

 

On the card was written:

 

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.

[PGC]

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

 

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

 

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the balls. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

[PGC]

During the Summer of 1999, Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.

 

During dinner He told them:

"I invited you here because I need three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow I will destroy the earth"

 

After dinner, Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: "I have two very bad news items for you:

1. God really exists, and

2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."

 

Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them:

"I have Good news and Bad News:

1. The good news is: God really does exist.

2. The bad news is: tomorrow He's destroying the earth."

 

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced:

"I have two fantastic announcements:

1. I am one of three most important people on earth.

2. The Year 2000 problem is solved."

[PGC]

Little Johnny's back!!!!!!!!

 

Johnny and Susie are in Love, and one day they decide that they want to get married.  So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

 

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

 

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10.  Where will you two live?"

 

So without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

 

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live?  Your not old enough to get a job.  You'll need to support Susie."

 

So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month.  That should do us just fine."

 

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this.   So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

 

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.  I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

 

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Edited April 28, 2014 by PGC

[PGC]

Instructions on how to clean a cat:

 

1. Lift both lids of the toilet up and add 1/4 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

 

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

 

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

 

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."

 

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

 

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

 

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

Signed: The Dog.

[DonB]

Another set of old Puns:-

 

 

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

 

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

 

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

 

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

 

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

 

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

 

In democracy your vote counts. 
In feudalism your count votes.

 

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

If you don't pay your exorcist, 
You get repossessed

With her marriage, 
She got a new name and a dress.

 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

 

Every calendar's days are numbered.

 

A lot of money is tainted - 
Taint yours and taint mine.

 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 

Once you've seen one shopping centre, 
You've seen a mall.

 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

 

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[PLD]

How many different user names has Tim Vine got for this forum???

[travelintrev]

A response to the Dog.. 

Perhaps you could pass the following message, from a Cat to That
>> Dispicable Thing that had the audadisity to even suggest that we cats
>> need to be cleaned, especially when even in this small village there are
>> THREE dog grooming service providers, in big cities, every other
>> business must be a Dog Cleaning Service as there are so many of you
>> dirty creatures around.
>>
>> We are more than capable of cleaning Ourselves. Our joints have been
>> especially designed to get to every part of our anomatey, without the
>> need for artificial substances. Because we clean ourselves, We do not
>> need the grroming services that you seem to need as you are obviously
>> unable to clean yourselves properly.
>>
>> We, unlike Dogs, Do NOT walk in puddles; we Do not stick our noses
>into
>> things that other dogs seem to leave in piles on the footways (at least
>> We ALWAYS burry ours).
>> We won't be lead around and parraded on a lead. We are our own
>Masters
>> and have the freedom to come and go as We please. You Dogs don't
>have
>> such freedom. Just remember that!
>>
>> I have formally complained to the UN Commission on Pet Relations to
>the
>> appauling instructions that The Dog as been propergating through the
>> Internet.
>>
>> I hope that The Dogs' tail falls off, its ears shrivel up and that its
>> feet get thorns in them and that it has nightmares for the rest of uts
>> life.
>>
>> A (6* mouser) CAT.

[Catweasel]

That's a terrible post. Poor spelling, poorly laid out and full of arrows.

[JZ]

That's a terrible post. Poor spelling, poorly laid out and full of arrows.

A bit like those Nigerian phishing emails.

[bluebottle]

That's a terrible post. Poor spelling, poorly laid out and full of arrows.

 

Yeah, badly educated, those cats.

[EHertsGER]

That is a very pussylanimous mogogram of a caticism....

Edited May 4, 2014 by EHertsGER

[peter220950]

I Was reminded of this one a couple of weeks ago:-

 

 

 

What's long, grey, and smells of pee?

 

 

 

 

The queue to get into the O Gauge Guild Show at Telford.

 

( Note this joke is multi gauge/scale, just change it to your chosen Exhibition)

[Colin_McLeod]

What's green and smells like red paint?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Green paint.

[Steve K]

What's green and smells like red paint?

 

 

Green paint.

Where's the "groan" button... ?

[raymw]

Subject - Missing Wife

 

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his  missing wife:

 

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector :-What is her height ?

Husband:-I never checked.

Inspector :-Slim or healthy ?.

Husband:-Not slim can be healthy.

Inspector :-Color of eyes ?

Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Color of hair

Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing?

Husband :Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector :-Was she driving?

Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-tell me the number, name & color of the car ? 

Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.And it has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.

And then the husband started crying...-

Inspector:-Don't worry sir,... . .We will find your car.

 

[69843]

 

Another set of old Puns:-

 

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

 

Funny you bring that up.....there is WiFi in our building with that name. I'll try and take a screengrab next time it pops up.