The Forum Jokes Thread

[andytrains]

A couple were in bed and the woman says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had larger breasts".

 

He says "I think that you should get some toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a couple of months".

 

"How will that help to make my breasts larger?" asks the woman.

 

The man answers, "I don't know but it worked well on your bottom".

[Budgie]

Department of Transport

=======================

There is concern over the current driving standards in England, so the Department of Transport have devised a scheme to identify poor and dangerous drivers.

 

This system will allow all road users to recognise the potentially hazardous and dangerous ones, or those with limited driving skills.

 

From the middle of May 2014 all those drivers who are found to be a potential hazard to other road users will be issued with a white flag, bearing a red cross. This flag clearly indicates their inability to drive properly.

 

These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

 

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display two flags, one on each side of the car to indicate an even greater lack of skill and limited driving intelligence.

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

Department of Transport

=======================

[raymw]

 

Last time I saw this, the car was going the other way! As evidence, check the  website address.

yeah, but that is on the wrong side of the road for uk.

[PhilJ W]

Batter Boris with his water cannon, I scored 17.

 

http://games.usvsth3m.com/the-water-cannon-boris-johnson-game/

Edited June 12, 2014 by PhilJ W

[andytrains]

Department of Transport

=======================

There is concern over the current driving standards in England, so the Department of Transport have devised a scheme to identify poor and dangerous drivers.

 

This system will allow all road users to recognise the potentially hazardous and dangerous ones, or those with limited driving skills.

 

From the middle of May 2014 all those drivers who are found to be a potential hazard to other road users will be issued with a white flag, bearing a red cross. This flag clearly indicates their inability to drive properly.

 

These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

 

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display two flags, one on each side of the car to indicate an even greater lack of skill and limited driving intelligence.

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

Department of Transport

=======================

Shouldn't all BMW, Audi and Mercedes drivers also display these flags?

[andytrains]

Batter Boris with his water cannon, I scored 17.

 

http://games.usvsth3m.com/the-water-cannon-boris-johnson-game/

Its not a water cannon they need its rubber bullets!!!!!!

[F-UnitMad]

Shouldn't all BMW, Audi and Mercedes drivers also display these flags?

Of course, but just like Speed Limits, they think it doesn't apply to them.....

[BoD]

Of course, but just like Speed Limits, they think it doesn't apply to them.....

How many threads have been locked when we go down this route?

Let's not take the jokes thread in the same direction.......

..... at whatever speed.

[bluebottle]

How many threads have been locked when we go down this route?

 

The answer my friend is blowing in the...

Oh, I do beg your pardon, I seem to have wandered into the wrong thread. Ahem!

[PGC]

Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life, but to avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper  advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

 

The first one gets married and the second day a postcard arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL HOUSE COFFEE".

 

Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper, checks the Maxwell House Coffee advertisement and it says: "Good to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.

 

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "SLEEPEEZEE MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Sleepeezee Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" so Mrs. Smith is again happy.

 

Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".

 

Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads:  "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.

[DonB]

http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/86263-rail-damage/&do=findComment&comment=1484119

 

scroll to post #13

[Titan]

Department of Transport

=======================

There is concern over the current driving standards in England, so the Department of Transport have devised a scheme to identify poor and dangerous drivers.

 

This system will allow all road users to recognise the potentially hazardous and dangerous ones, or those with limited driving skills.

 

From the middle of May 2014 all those drivers who are found to be a potential hazard to other road users will be issued with a white flag, bearing a red cross. This flag clearly indicates their inability to drive properly.

 

These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

 

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display two flags, one on each side of the car to indicate an even greater lack of skill and limited driving intelligence.

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

Department of Transport

=======================

 I think I heard this four years ago, or maybe eight. Actually thinking about it it might have been 12, or possibly 16....

[C&WR]

 I think I heard this four years ago, or maybe eight. Actually thinking about it it might have been 12, or possibly 16....

 

The problem is that there are so many Association Football international tournaments that it seems to be every two years...

[N15class]

The problem is that there are so many Association Football international tournaments that it seems to be every two years...

For those who have no interest in the game it seems that it is every year.

[bluebottle]

Lots of St. George's flags draped from upstairs windows round our way; I'm glad of the general realisation that these, and not the Union flag, are most appropriate for the occasion. And, of course, they're idiot-proof in that it doesn't matter if they're upside-down.

[PGC]

I'm glad of the general realisation that these, and not the Union flag, are most appropriate for the occasion

 

 

Would I be being too cynical if I said that the only realisation is "the neighbour has a flag, so I've got to have one too"

 

Meanwhile, being patriotic, it wasn't like this in the old days!

 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy.

 

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

 

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

 

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

 

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

 

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

 

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

 

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

 

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it............ full speed ahead."

 

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

 

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

 

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

 

Nelson: "What?"

 

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

 

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

 

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

 

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

 

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

 

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

 

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

 

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

 

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

 

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

 

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

 

Nelson: "We're not?"

 

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

 

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

 

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

 

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

 

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, s*domy and the lash?"

 

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

 

Nelson: "What about s*domy?"

 

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 

Nelson: "In that case................................. kiss me, Hardy

Edited June 17, 2014 by PGC

[Budgie]

I think I heard this four years ago, or maybe eight. Actually thinking about it it might have been 12, or possibly 16....

Just goes to show that what goes around comes around.

[N15class]

Would I be being too cynical if I said that the only realisation is "the neighbour has a flag, so I've got to have one too"

 

Meanwhile, being patriotic, it wasn't like this in the old days!

 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy.

 

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

 

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

 

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

 

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

 

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

 

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

 

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

 

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it............ full speed ahead."

 

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

 

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

 

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

 

Nelson: "What?"

 

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

 

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

 

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

 

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

 

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

 

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

 

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

 

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

 

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

 

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

 

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

 

Nelson: "We're not?"

 

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

 

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

 

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

 

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

 

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, s*domy and the lash?"

 

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

 

Nelson: "What about s*domy?"

 

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 

Nelson: "In that case................................. kiss me, Hardy

Well! Now we cant win at a game we invented, god knows how we could win at Trafalgar now.

[bluebottle]

Would I be being too cynical if I said that the only realisation is "the neighbour has a flag, so I've got to have one too" ......................

 

................................. kiss me, Hardy

 

That reminds me:

"When I say "England", I mean England in its wider sense, as encompassing Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland..."

Ah, the pachyderm hide of the writer of a "letter to the editor" in the "Daily Mail" before this confounded "Political Correctness" nonsense reared its ugly Pinko head.

When I say "England", I think of St. George's flag flying bravely from the tower of the parish church, but if footie fans want to wave it at a sporting contest,that's OK too.

It's not too hard to remember why the Union flag is so called, and when it's appropriate to display it.

[Colin_McLeod]

The "United Kingdom of Great Britian and Northern Ireland" is in no way "England in its wider sense" 

 

Ask anyone from Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland if they consider themselves English.

 

And on a similar subject, why do people in Northern Ireland need to put "GB" stickers on their car when they the car is not registered in Great Britian?.  Surely "UK" stickers would be more appropriate?

 

Rants over

[bluebottle]

The "United Kingdom of Great Britian and Northern Ireland" is in no way "England in its wider sense" 

 

Ask anyone from Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland if they consider themselves English.

 

And on a similar subject, why do people in Northern Ireland need to put "GB" stickers on their car when they the car is not registered in Great Britian?.  Surely "UK" stickers would be more appropriate?

 

Rants over

 

Quite agree, Colin, but that's the kind of thing English people used to say and write, and be puzzled when challenged about it. I think there's a little more understanding now, and I try to chide in a calm manner those who still haven't got it. Actually, it's quite good fun when any of my acquaintance try any cracks about Scotsmen being mean - I know lots of stories about Yorkshiremen being careful with their brass. 

By the way, lines 3 and 4 of my previous post were meant to be conciliatory, lines 1 (an actual quote from a letter about "The Fishermen of England" in the "Daily Mail)  and 2 were meant to be ironic. I wonder if they used smileys in Socrates' day?

Edited June 18, 2014 by bluebottle

[luckymucklebackit]

Keeping this theme going....

 

David Cameron is visiting America and Barak Obama takes him to a top secret scientific laboratory. Obama is keen to show off so he shows Cameron a Time Machine that can accurately predict 100 years in the future. 'Ask it a question' says Obama, so Cameron asks 'what will England be like in 100 years time?' There is a whirring and a bleeping and lights flashing, then a print-out appears. Cameron looks at it for a few minutes and, getting impatient, Obama says 'come on David, what does it say'. 'Don't know' says Cameron, 'its not in English'.

 

Jim
 

[Colin_McLeod]

PLD how can you "Disagree" with a joke ??????

[PhilJ W]

PLD how can you "Disagree" with a joke ??????

I think he was referring to David Cameron.

[bluebottle]

Keeping this theme going....

 

David Cameron is visiting America and Barak Obama takes him to a top secret scientific laboratory. Obama is keen to show off so he shows Cameron a Time Machine that can accurately predict 100 years in the future. 'Ask it a question' says Obama, so Cameron asks 'what will England be like in 100 years time?' There is a whirring and a bleeping and lights flashing, then a print-out appears. Cameron looks at it for a few minutes and, getting impatient, Obama says 'come on David, what does it say'. 'Don't know' says Cameron, 'its not in English'.

 

Jim

 

 

According to the man to whom we owe the term "Time Machine", the populace of what we at present think of as the London area will still be speaking English in the year Eight Hundred and Two Thousand Seven Hundred and One A.D.

I think we need to drop the term "New" from the thread's title; when I first heard this one, the politicians were Kennedy and Khrushchev, the language Chinese, though I suppose that there might be a more subtle subtext to 'its not in English'.