The Forum Jokes Thread

[PGC]

One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan:  "Why so glum?"

Biker: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?"

Biker: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.  On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Biker: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Biker: "You better believe it."

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out.  If you get cancer, no biggie,you’re already dead, remember?"

Biker: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Biker: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.  Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you’re dead anyhow."

Biker:  "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Biker: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right!  Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Biker: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Biker: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
 

[PGC]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy’, the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.

'OK', the little girl says,
'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?’

 

'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because on your driving licence it says you got an F in sex.'

[96701]

Man goes to the doctor's. The doctor says to him "You're going to have to stop ."

 

"Why's that?" asks the man.

 

"Because I'm trying to conduct a medical examination"

[PGC]

Watch out, Little Johnny's back and he has an older brother.......

 

 

Norman and Barry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they went back to Norman's Mum and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Little Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. 

 

As he's going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Norman and Barry are up yet.
 

She replies, 'No'.

Little Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' 
 

His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!!  Just go to school.'

Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'  She replies, 'No...'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think!!  Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Little Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?' 

 

His mum says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

Exasperated, his mum replies, 'Oh OK then, tell me what you think.'

 He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I accidentally gave him my superglue.'
 

[Coombe Barton]

There was an English guy drowning his sorrows in a pub in Moffat when he decides to drive home. On the A74 he’s quickly stopped and the police have a word with him. He’s asked to join them in the police car and asked to blow into the breathalyser bag.

 

At this point he produces a small card, which says:

 

“The holder of this card is severely asthmatic. Please do not take his breath.”

 

So they cart him off to the police station to get a blood test. They get the doctor in, whereupon he produces another card:

 

“The holder of this card is severely anaemic. Please do not take his blood.”

 

“Oh well”, says the doc, "we’ll just have to rely on the urine test."

 

So then the Englishman produces another card:

 

“The holder of this card is an England supporter. Please do not take the piss.”

Edited June 20, 2014 by Coombe Barton

[Guest]

The England team is like a pen

Only good on paper

[fender]

A tourist has been staying in Madrid for a few days when he decides he wants something more than the usual tapas and raciones for dinner.

 

Seeking out something more original he finds a small restaurant down a side street and sits down inside.

 

The waiter, after listening to his plea for no more calamari, croquetas and jamon serrano, offers the man a true delicacy: 'cojones'.

 

"Tell me," says the tourist, "what are these 'cojones'?"

 

"Ah..." says the waiter, "they are the testicles of the bull that was killed in the ring today. An expensive but rare delight, you will like them I promise."

 

Feeling brave, the tourist orders the cojones. They arrive, majestic, and although he starts slowly, he soon polishes them off.

 

"Those were great!", says the man, and off he goes into the night.

 

A week goes by and our friend is again feeling peckish. He recalls what he now realises has been his favourite dish so far and returns to the restaurant.

 

Delighted to see him, the waiter is soon back out of the kitchen with another serving of the famed 'cojones'. The tourist wolfs them down with gusto.

 

"Amazing!", says the tourist, "they are really cooked well and taste so good! but tell me, how come these were so much smaller this week?"

 

"Ah.....", says the waiter, "but you know the bull does not always lose, my friend....."

[peanuts]

sums it all up 

 

[DonB]

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.

One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave the horse his the medicine and left.

The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more!

Yes! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's Cook the goat!!!!

Lesson: Management never knows which employee actually deserves the appraisal.

 

[DavidB-AU]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Jon Fitness]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A political debate?......

[Titan]

On Wednesday Roy Hodgson faces the most significant strategic choice of the world cup so far....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aisle or window seat?

Edited June 23, 2014 by Titan

[PGC]

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.  The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine.   Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum, "I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?" 

"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".

[Titan]

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

 

All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. 

 Blimey, so she lives more than half a days round trip from the nearest shop?

Edited June 23, 2014 by Titan

[PhilJ W]

He got stuck in WHAT?

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/06/22/student-trapped-stone-vagina_n_5519718.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

[Welly]

He got stuck in WHAT?

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/06/22/student-trapped-stone-vagina_n_5519718.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Loved the top comment!

[pointstaken]

A cock-up ?

 

Dennis

[Colin_McLeod]

Was he born again?

[luckymucklebackit]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes..?''

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be..?''

''I have absolutely no idea, but every time I talk to a beautiful woman with a stunning figure like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.

 

Jim

[luckymucklebackit]

another political one, possibly a rehash of an old joke..

 

David Cameron asked the Queen,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient commonwealth and government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen,
"The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

David Cameron then asked,
"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"

Prince Charles walked into the room and said,
"Yes, Mum?"

The Queen smiled and said to Charles,

"Answer me this please Charlie.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered

"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Ah Ha I get it said David, thank you Mam !

And in a great rush he left.

David Cameron went back to Parliament

He decided to ask Nick Clegg the same question.
"Nick, answer this for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Nick Clegg.
And then in True Nick Clegg Style he went on to say.

"Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Nick went to the toilet, and found Nigel Farage in there.

Nick Clegg went up to Nigel Farage and asked,

"Hey Nigel, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot Nick" replied Nigel.
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Nigel Farage answered, without stalling said;

"That's easy, it's me!"

Nick Clegg grinned, and said,

"Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"

Nick Clegg then, went back to find David Cameron and said to him;
"David, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."

" If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister

The Child is Nigel Farage !"

David Cameron went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Nick Clegg, and angrily yelled into his face,

"No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"


. . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHY UKIP IS DOING SO WELL !
 

[luckymucklebackit]

And finally - guess who??  Yep Its Johnny

 

Little Johnny Strikes Again...

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
before.

Molly: "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating."

Little Johnny still has his hand raised.

Sally: "My family went to see Rock City , and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate."

Little Johnny still has his hand raised.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him for his offering..

Johnny said,
"My aunt Gina has a blouse with ten buttons on it, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

[PhilJ W]

He got stuck in WHAT?

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/06/22/student-trapped-stone-vagina_n_5519718.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

He must have one hell of an Oedipus complex.

[PGC]

Little Johnny's at it again!!!!!!

 

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. She usually slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' but Susie didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep..

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,

'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

[shortliner]

Wisdom for the moment!

I’m going to retire and live off my savings. 
What I’ll do the second week, I have no idea.
 
I sometimes drink a glass of water
just to surprise my liver.
 
Life is short!
Smile while you still have teeth.
 
I’m not fat.
I’m just easy to see.
 
I don’t want to make anyone jealous
but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
 
Did you know
chocolate makes your clothes shrink?
 
I think I’m emotionally constipated.
I haven’t given a crap all week.
 
Dealing with stupid people is like soccer.
You can use your head but a swift kick is more effective.
 
I have no words to describe this day.
I do however have a lot of hand gestures.
 
My bucket list:
Ice
Wine
 
It’s hard to be optimistic
when your fat pants are tight.
 
My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke
so I put my pay slip on the first slide.
 
Marriage should be like a workshop.
Where the husband works and the wife shops.
 
I’m up!
If you’re expecting bright eyed and bushy tailed
go catch a freakin’ squirrel!
 
I’m not sure if life is passing me by
or trying to run me over.

[fender]

A little boy is walking with his family through some fields when they spot a sheep with only three legs.

 

"Poor sheep...", says the boy.

 

"That sheep?", says the elderly farmer who overhears their conversation, "Ohhhh...that there is a fine sheep!"

 

"But why does it have only three legs?", asks the boy.

 

"That sheep?", says the farmer, "Ooohhh...that's a fine sheep. Been giving me top quality wool for years that sheep. The best you can get anywhere!"

 

"Yes, but why does it only have three legs?", asks the boy again.

 

"That sheep? Oooohhhhh....that's a fine sheep! Two weeks ago my sheepdog was poorly and that there sheep helped round up all the others. A fine sheep!"

 

"Yes", says the boy, a little exasperated, "but why does it have only three legs?"

 

"That sheep?", replies the farmer again, "Ooohhhh......why that's a fine sheep. Only last week, a little boy just like you, was stuck in the field over there with that bull. The sheep distracted the bull and the boy managed to escape. That's a fine sheep!"

 

"Yes!!!", says the boy, "but WHY does it have ONLY THREE LEGS???"

 

"Aahhhhhhh...", says the farmer, "well you know, a fine sheep like that...you can't eat it all at once!"