The Forum Jokes Thread

[ParkeNd]

I'm going to get these stations in the wrong sequence - apologies in advance.

 

My 91 year old mother was always amused by a regular train announcement - "The next train is for Addlestone, Walton, Weybridge, Byflett, and Alton on Behind "

[Sidecar Racer]

 

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.

 

But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete pri*k to join a golf club.

 

 

[Dagworth]

True story, still funny:

<snip>

http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/741-the-forum-jokes-thread/?p=1541657saves retyping it...

 

Andi

[bluebottle]

Ask a silly question:

 

Me:          "Could I have a pair of pig's trotters, please"

 

Butcher:  " Well, I can sell you two, but I can't promise they'll be a pair!"

[ian]

I can also remember a very confused passenger boarding a Routemaster in Reading over 15 years ago and asking the clippie if the bus went to Cemetery Junction.

"There are no buses to Cemetery Junction from this stop," came back the reply.

It took the passenger a few seconds to cotton on - the bus was *at* Cemetery Junction!

 

Back in the early eighties there was a big 'teaser' ad campaign in the Reading area with posters everywhere saying "I've found it..."

 

After a couple of weeks they were replaced with ones saying "I've found it - new lif in Jesus Christ" and giving the details of some course or group.

 

The unfortunate thing was that one of these huge banners was errected at Cemetry Junction ( a major traffic artery) - right across the Cemetery gates!

Edited June 30, 2015 by ian

[APOLLO]

I was sitting at the computer the other day, drafting my last will & testament.
I shouted down to the wife "WHEN I DIE, I'M LEAVING EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"
She shouted back "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!"

 

Brit15

[Wacol]

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing

in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour

the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand

chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[graeme3300]

What do you call a Mexican who's had his car stolen?

 

 

Carlos 

[kevinlms]

What do you call a Mexican who's had his car stolen?

 

 

Carlos 

We desperately need a groan button for Wheeltappers!

 

Edit

 

I've just been nominated for a club's ###### of the Month competition, for repeating that one! I'll let you know if I win!

 

Another edit required

 

D i c k h e a d is the ###### word.

Edited July 3, 2015 by kevinlms

[Wacol]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The

bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One

afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he

was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts

and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed,

"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[peanuts]

I see they have thickened the font all through this site

 

 

Though it a bit of a Bold move myself

[bluebottle]

I see they have thickened the font all through this site

 

 

Though it a bit of a Bold move myself

 

  And just to underline that ,,,

[Jamiel]

Q. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A. Can't be done, hardware problem.

[shortliner]

  And just to underline that ,,,

 

Sure, 'n' it's the way Italic!

[kevinlms]

Q. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A. Can't be done, hardware problem.

I've always thought that rather than replace the bulb, they'd upgrade the software driving it first.

[ParkeNd]

Q. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A. Can't be done, hardware problem.

Surely they would manage it in the way characteristic of the breed - hibernate behind the telephone answering system and pray that the need goes away?

[ParkeNd]

A female pharmacist counter assistant in Edinburgh was surprised by a soldier, a pipes and drum Major in full ceremonial uniform, who marched in and slapped a 1930's reusable washable condom on the counter which sported several obvious holes, tears, and old bicycle inner tube patches. "Please book that in for maintenance right away" he said with no hint of embarrassment. The young lady was so horrified by the idea that she called over the pharmacist who inspected the item with mounting horror. "New single use condoms have been available in packets of 3 very cheaply for years now" he intoned "and this would be the best course of action". The soldier picked up the moth eaten old relic and without a word wheeled around and marched out of the shop.

But the next morning he was back - slapping the old washable condom, now sporting a couple of new holes, on the counter. "Your advice has been considered" he boomed "but The Regiment wants it repaired".

Edited July 8, 2015 by ParkeNd

[Wacol]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten

different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Sidecar Racer]

When you are over 60 who gives a damn .

 

 

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

 

When you are over sixty who gives a .....

 

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few

pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of

you."

 

When you are over sixty who gives a .....

 

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman

was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,

"Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

 

When you are over sixty who gives a .......

 

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

When you are over sixty who gives a ......

 

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. 

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

When you are over sixty who gives a ....

[Mad McCann]

Dick Cheney and John McCain are walking through a snowy park in Washington;

"Chilly today, John, huh?."

"Really, Dick? But we've not finished with Syria yet..."  ;-)

 

D.

[Tom D]

Just seen this sign outside the local church......

 

'and on the 8th day God said, ok Murphy you take over'

[gazmanjack]

I was down the lake the other day, where my mate Johno, helps out an old chap, who hires out canoes. It was getting onto 5.00pm and this is the time Johno calls the canoes back in via a loud speaker system. So off he announces, "No. 99, can you please come in now". There was no response, so once again he announced, "No. 99, can you please come back to the hire shop". Still no response so he tried again as his boss walked into the office, "No. 99, please bring your canoe back". "Hang on a minute Johno", his boss exclaimed, "We only have 70 canoes..." Johno's next announcement was, "No. 66, are you in trouble...??"

[kevinlms]

I was down the lake the other day, where my mate Johno, helps out an old chap, who hires out canoes. It was getting onto 5.00pm and this is the time Johno calls the canoes back in via a loud speaker system. So off he announces, "No. 99, can you please come in now". There was no response, so once again he announced, "No. 99, can you please come back to the hire shop". Still no response so he tried again as his boss walked into the office, "No. 99, please bring your canoe back". "Hang on a minute Johno", his boss exclaimed, "We only have 70 canoes..." Johno's next announcement was, "No. 66, are you in trouble...??"

Now THAT is OLD!!!!!...............

[bluebottle]

Now THAT is OLD!!!!!...............

 

 

They're all old, as can be confirmed by anyone who's ever been in Silverwood (Rotherham) Miners Welfare Club of an evening, where a chap as old as Methuselah punctuates - loudly and with grim satisfaction - the comic's delivery:

 

" 'eerd it!"

[raymw]

 

Life's Demerit System

...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:  
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!

 

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system: 

 

SIMPLE DUTIES 
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)

 

PROTECTIVE DUTIES  
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-30)

 

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS  
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)

 

HER BIRTHDAY  
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

 

A NIGHT OUT  
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

 

YOUR PHYSIQUE  
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say to her, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

 

THE BIG QUESTION  
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what) 
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-40)

 

COMMUNICATION  
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)