The Forum Jokes Thread

[shortliner]

A hungry young bloke, who was short on money,  walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sits in the corner and notices an old Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks.
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.
"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his  place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back  into the bowl.
The old Jock, without looking up, wryly says. "Aye, that's as far as I got."

[Catweasel]

Warning. Break out the Groan button. After Hurricane Barney,will we get loads of Rubble?

[RJS1977]

Did you know they don't watch the Flintstones in Bahrain,but Abu Dhabi do?

[Jamiel]

A man regularly plays squash with his friend John. In the showers afterwards he happens to look down at his friend’s private parts and notices the letters, W, D and Y tattooed there.

‘Sorry, I wasn’t looking, but I couldn’t help noticing that you W, D, Y tattooed on your privates." he says to his friend. "What does it mean?’

John laughs ‘Oh, it says WENDY, my wife’s name, when I’m in the mood you can read all the letters’.
 

A couple of weeks later, his friend rings up to say he is ill and can’t make their squash match, but he has another friend Curtly who could stand in. He does warn him that he is a West Indian professional player though, and will probably wipe the floor with him.

He says he doesn’t mind and would like a game anyway, so his friend give him his contact details. His friend turns up, he is six foot five black sportsman, and he absolutely wipes the floor with him.
 

In the showers afterwards he happen to glance down and to his surprise sees that he too has the letters W, D and Y tattooed on his private parts.

‘That’s funny he says, I couldn’t help noticing your tattoo, is your wife walled Wendy as well?’

‘What do you mean?’ Curtly asks.

‘Well, John also has WENDY tattooed on his privates.’

Curtly laughs “No that doesn’t say Wendy, it says ‘Welcome to Jamaica Maam, have a nice DaY.’

Edited November 17, 2015 by Jamiel

[Adams442T]

As an ex-job member this is a bit too near the truth to be entirely comfortable..................

 

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I confess - I’m a rabbit!"

[Sidecar Racer]

A woman is having a medical examination, and the doctor says,

 

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

 

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

 

The woman starts to take off her panties but the doctor hastily

interrupts her,

 

 

"No! No! ....

 

 

just stick out your tongue!"

[peanuts]

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games.

What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.

[ParkeNd]

An old married couple were sitting in front of their solicitor. After a brief chat the solicitor summed up " So you want a divorce".  The couple confirmed this immediately. Then the solicitor asked why, hoping there was some chance of reconciliation. "We've both hated each other for the past 60 years and we can't stand to see each other any more" said the man - and the woman nodded her agreement.

 

"The one thing I can't understand" said the solicitor "is that you are both 97 years old, have hated each other for 60 years, and only now you want a divorce - why have you waited so long"?

 

The woman looked him straight in the eye and said "that's simple - we were waiting until the children were dead".

[peanuts]

I see someone is selling all their dogging gear on eBay.

There's no buyers but I've noticed that there's 126 watchers!

[Jamiel]

One from Radio 4's 'The News Quiz' that I have remembered for many, many years (probably since the late 70's).

A sign outside a maternity ward read "The first 3 minutes of life are the most dangerous"

To which someone had added "The last 3 are pretty dodgy too."

Edited November 19, 2015 by Jamiel

[Catweasel]

 

Found this on another forum and thought I'd share it with you.

[peanuts]

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!

[kevinlms]

Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.

 

"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."

 

Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."

[Danemouth]

 

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

Or this version

 

Wales

In the beginning the Lord God Almighty turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

 

“Gabby, today I am going to create a beautiful part of the Earth and I shall call it Wales.

I will make a country of breath-taking blue lakes, rich green forests and dark beautiful mountains which  from time to time will be snow covered.

I will give it clear swift rivers which will overflow the salmon and trout.

The land shall be lush and fertile on which people can raise cattle and sheep and grow food as well as being rich with precious metals and stones that will be much sought after the world over. I shall lay rich seams of coal for the inhabitants to mine.

Around the coast I will make some of the most beautiful areas in the world, white sandy beaches and cliffs that will attract all manner of wildlife and lots of islands that will be a paradise to all who visit them.

In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of sea life.

The people who live there will be called Welsh and will be the friendliest on Earth”.

“Excuse me Lord” interrupted the Archangel Gabriel “don’t you think you are being a bit generous with these Welsh?”.

“Don’t talk crap” replied the Lord, “wait until you see the bloody neighbours I’m giving them!”.

 

 

Dave

[BG John]

“Don’t talk crap” replied the Lord, “wait until you see the bloody neighbours I’m giving them!”.

As one of the "bloody neighbours" who now lives there, I think this sentence should be "Don’t talk crap” replied the Lord, “wait until you see the bloody WEATHER I’m giving them!”!

[Titan]

Joke.jpg

 

Found this on another forum and thought I'd share it with you.

 

I am very interested to know what loco those wheels came from, obviously not British but seem rather unusual?

[Catweasel]

It's an American forum,so I would imagine one of their big diesels.

[pH]

Joke.jpg

 

Found this on another forum and thought I'd share it with you.

From David L Smith - "Coutts was the strong man of Ayr shed. ... (He) could lift a pair of leading wheels belonging to a Stirling 2-4-0 and carry them for some distance."

[peanuts]

Just bought some Rochdale themed Christmas lights.

Sadly half of them are dim and the other half don't work.

[PhilJ W]

The latest 'green' car, or is it brown?

[jeff alvey]

[Adams442T]

Once upon a time, the NHS and a Japanese company decided to have a competitive boat race on the river Thames.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance.
On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese won by a mile!

 

Afterwards the NHS team became very discouraged by the loss and morale sagged. Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, and a project team was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese had eight people rowing, and one person steering. The NHS had one person rowing and eight people steering.

Senior management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the team structure. Millions of pounds and several months later the consultancy company concluded that: Too many people were steering and not enough rowing.

 

To prevent loosing to the Japanese again next year, the team structure was changed to 'four steering managers, three senior steering managers and one executive steering manager'.
A new quality performance system was set up for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a key performer.

"We must give him empowerment and enrichment, that ought to do it".

The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!

 

The NHS laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all the paddles and cancelled all the capital investment for new equipment.

They halted the development of a new boat, awarded high performance awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved to senior management.

Edited November 23, 2015 by Adams442T

[peanuts]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

 

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

 

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

 

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[jeff alvey]

[Claude_Dreyfus]

My wife told me to go out and get an 'L' shaped sofa.

 

She wasn't impressed when I came home with one in lowercase...