RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted January 12, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 12, 2016 A circus owner runs an ad "Lion Tamer Wanted” and two people show up…… One is a retired pilot in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?” The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, "Can you top that?” The old pilot replies, "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present . They're due back at the library tomorrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 I came home yesterday to find my wife dead, inside the washing machine. Of course I'm upset, but at least she died in Comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted January 15, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted January 15, 2016 Sure it wasn't southern comfort! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted January 16, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 16, 2016 . 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catweasel Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Mary had a lttle lamb The doctors were amazed Which proves that doesn't pay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 mary had a litte lamb she got three years for & two more for corrupting a minor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Mary had a little lamb , its fleece was full of fleas , but even worse her little -u-t had foot and mouth disease. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 just to change tack A nun, badly needing to use the toilet, walked into a local pub..The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.""Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the toilet?""Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?""But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun."You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted January 17, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 17, 2016 Mary had a little pig. It wouldn't stop it's gruntin'. Hmmmm No Maybe not then. Mike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) On the subject of toilet humour......An Englishman is visiting the outback in Australia having a drink in a bar, when he needs the toilet. He asks the barman where to go, he gestures to a corridor and says ‘Follow the instructions at the end.’ At the end is a door, toilet roll on the wall written underneath ‘Please take some paper.’ He grabs some sheets opens the door. Ahead of him is just the outback, and a huge pile of empty tinnies covered in sh*t and bits of toilet roll. He thinks, well when in Australia, so he climbs the pile, pulls his pants down and starts to do his business. He looks to one side and sees an ever bigger pile, with a big Aussie on top, with his pants down.‘Hello.’ he says. ‘Gidday, you’re new around here aint ya?’ replies the Aussy. ‘How do you know?’ ‘You’re in the Ladies.’ Edited January 17, 2016 by Jamiel 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted January 17, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 17, 2016 On the subject of toilet humour...... An Englishman is visiting the outback in Australia having a drink in a bar, when he needs the toilet. He asks the barman where to go, he gestures to a corridor and says ‘Follow the instructions at the end.’ At the end is a door, toilet roll on the wall written underneath ‘Please take some paper.’ He grabs some sheets opens the door. Ahead of him is just the outback, and a huge pile of empty tinnies covered in sh*t and bits of toilet roll. He thinks, well when in Australia, so he climbs the pile, pulls his pants down and starts to do his business. He looks to one side and sees an ever bigger pile, with a big Aussie on top, with his pants down. ‘Hello.’ he says. ‘Gidday, you’re new around here aint ya?’ replies the Aussy. ‘How do you know?’ ‘You’re in the Ladies.’ This is true, the joke above reminded me of it. Some Australian pubs had a trough installed along the front of the bar about a foot above the floor, so the patrons would not have to leave the bar to relieve themselves. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted January 17, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 17, 2016 Each week they take the pile of tinnies away and label them Castlemaine XXXX 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted January 17, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 17, 2016 This is true, the joke above reminded me of it. Some Australian pubs had a trough installed along the front of the bar about a foot above the floor, so the patrons would not have to leave the bar to relieve themselves. Ah! Now don't forget to watch out for the Drop Bears! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Fortunately they rarely hide in Aussie dunnys! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DougN Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 No they were eaten by the red back spiders! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Claude_Dreyfus Posted January 18, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 18, 2016 There's a new film to be made about the tennis match rigging scandal. Only available on Netfix... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParkeNd Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 Two travellers in the Aussie outback stopped at a pub which was no more than a shack, and asked to use the toilet. The publican pointed at a path outside and said "It's down there a few yards". One of the travellers was more desperate than the other and took off down the path with a handful of paper. But after an hour he didn't come back so his friend went looking for him with the publican. They found him sitting on a plank with a hole in it balanced over a large hole in the ground - stone dead - suffocated. "That's an old mine shaft said the publican". "Oh no said the dead travellers friend - how deep is that shaft?" "5000 ft said the publican". That'll be the problem then" said his friend "he always holds his breath until he hears the splash" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 At Last it's solved... The Aisle, The Altar, The Hymn Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery: Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behavior and life-style once their vows are exchanged? Finally, the riddle is solved. A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar, and hymn. She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, altar, hymn... Aisle, altar, hymn... Aisle, altar, hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself: "I'll alter him!" HERE ENDETH THE LESSON Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Went our for a lads weekend Had ten yogurts ! Got totaly mullered Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welly Posted January 20, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 20, 2016 Stone the crows! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fender Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Q: If a police car, a fire engine, and an ambulance arrive at a mini roundabout at the same time, who has right of way? A: None, they all lurch forward at the same time and crash. The fire crew put out the fire, the ambulance crew treat the injured and the policemen arrest everyone. It is a perfect, self-contained accident. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Londontram Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Apparently corporal Jones from dads army is being sued. the grandson of the fuzzy wuzzy said his grandfather had PTSS and had nightmares for the rest of his life as it seems he didn't like it up him 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted January 22, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 22, 2016 How to tell when you cat is fully charged... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Tim Dubya Posted January 22, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 22, 2016 Have You Ever Walked 500 Miles? Have You Ever Been Encouraged To Walk 500 More? If So, You Could Be Entitled To Compensation. Call The Pro-Claimers Now! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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