RMweb Gold Phil Bullock Posted March 26, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 26, 2016 Two cannibals were eating a clown One said to the other .... "Does this taste funny to you?" Thanks to Tommy Cooper.... Phil Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peter220950 Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 My brother-in-law has come to stay at our house, while we are away, so I thought I would make life easier for him and do some shopping. As I went through the check-out the girl looked at the items then looked up at me, “I bet you’re single” she said. I smiled back, “Let me guess it’s the ready meals for one isn’t it?” “No”, she replied, “ it’s because you’re an ugly b*stard.” Last time I shop in Waitrose. Peter 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted March 27, 2016 Share Posted March 27, 2016 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewC Posted March 27, 2016 Share Posted March 27, 2016 My Mike Oldfield one was useless when I went to France, it said I was never going to get there Andi Mine kept saying I was 5 miles out. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 27, 2016 Share Posted March 27, 2016 went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buhar Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 My Proclaimers version keeps telling me my destination is five thousand miles and I should flippin' walk it! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted March 28, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 28, 2016 Orinoco Flo? I always preferred Brazil Lil. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave47549 Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 (edited) . Edited October 4, 2021 by Dave47549 Removed pointless guff Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 (edited) Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt have found a chocolate covered mummy they think its the body of pharaoh rocher Edited March 28, 2016 by peanuts Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 The three states of an avocado: 1. Not ready yet 2. Not ready yet 3. Rotten 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 My Proclaimers version keeps telling me my destination is five thousand miles and I should flippin' walk it! Five thousand miles?! Mine only says five hundred miles, though I do then have to walk five hundred more... 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buhar Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 Five thousand miles?! Mine only says five hundred miles, though I do then have to walk five hundred more... Well if your going to be accurate in quoting the song! . Thanks for correcting an old man's dodgy memory. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arthur Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 (edited) A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your old man was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new one. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen." Edited March 29, 2016 by Arthur 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." "Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband. His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!" His funeral service will be held on Saturday... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 Enya kept steering me into the Orinoco flow, so I had to let it Sail away I would have thought that if you were in the Orinoco flow, you might need to wear Wellingtons.... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Wear Wellingtons what? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) How do you know when a cannibal has dumped his girlfriend? He flushes the toilet. Edited March 31, 2016 by andytrains Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted March 31, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 31, 2016 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Italian were discussing their sex lives. The Englishman said "Before making love I rub beef dripping onto my wifes body and she screams for ten minutes." The Frenchman said "I rub butter onto my wifes body before making love and she screams for an hour." The Italian said "I rub olive oil onto my wifes body before making love and she screams for a whole day." The others asked how he did that and he answered "Easy, I wipe my hands on the beadspread." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnarcher Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Phrase (supposedly a genuine newspaper line) found while stealing researching exercises for English teaching from websites - "The hijacker's gun went off accidentally and shot the stewardess in the tail section". Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted April 1, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted April 1, 2016 A bit like the Glaswegian who got kicked in the Gorbles. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 A bit like the Glaswegian who got kicked in the Gorbles. I believe that the perpetrator was soon grabbed by the rozzers. Or possibly picked up by the fuzz... Either way, it was eye-watering. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium BR60103 Posted April 3, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 3, 2016 It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide. (often quoted in Mad Magazine, back when it was funny) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted April 3, 2016 Share Posted April 3, 2016 (edited) Having been to the fair and seaside the last couple of weeks, I have realised that when I bought my airbrush for modelling, I could have made quite a lot of money doing portraits on the side of rides that look a bit, but not a lot like famous people.Photo from Hull Fair, see: https://cassandraparkin.wordpress.com/2011/10/22/great-moments-in-retailing-hull-fair/ Edited April 3, 2016 by Jamiel 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium BR60103 Posted April 4, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 4, 2016 If I did them, it would be very much on the "not a lot like" side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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