28XX Posted November 17, 2016 Share Posted November 17, 2016 Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy” Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.” Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. “Dammit” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. “Oh muther of God, this is gettin' worse,” he slurs. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. “I’ll never make it home,” he mumbles amid more curses. He can see his house, it's just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and grunts “No way”. But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “Maybe I can just can make it to the bed.” He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “To hell with it” and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Bridie, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Wake up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”. Paddy says, "I did Bridie. I was totally scuttered pissed. Me head’s throbbin’. But how’d ye know?” “Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Storey Posted November 17, 2016 Share Posted November 17, 2016 Not sure if this has been on already, but..... Little Johnny goes up to his Grandma and says "Grandma, can you please pretend to be a frog?" "But why on earth should I do that Johnny?" says Grandma. "Well" replies Johnny, "Daddy says that when you croak, we can all go to Disneyland." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pointstaken Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 This one goes with the "groan" button - The butcher who sat on the bacon slicer and got all behind with his orders. Found on a stone tablet at Stonehenge. Dennis Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 This one goes with the "groan" button - The butcher who sat on the bacon slicer and got all behind with his orders. Found on a stone tablet at Stonehenge. Dennis When the Butcher found me on top of the bacon slicer he gave me and her the sack... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jongudmund Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 (edited) I'm sure you all know this one... What's a foot long and slippery? >>>> A slipper Edited November 21, 2016 by Jongudmund Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 I'm sure you all know this one... What's a foot long and slippery? Answer if you highlight text here >>>> A slipper Yep. That's right up there with "what's brown and sticky?"... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 The missus has just come home from town all angry and flustered Ses banned from santas grotto for crawling on his knee and whispering in his ear "ive been a baaaaad girl santa " ! apparently this inapropriate behavior Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 Your both quackers. How tall is Mike Pence, then...short-ish; 'Titch', perhaps...? Anybody remember 'Titch and Quackers..'? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jongudmund Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 (edited) Yep. That's right up there with "what's brown and sticky?"... Ah, but do you know what's brown and nutty? >>>>> Squirrel poo Edited November 21, 2016 by Jongudmund Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted November 20, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted November 20, 2016 Can we please just give the answer. Highlighting is too much effort. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted November 20, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 20, 2016 Can we please just give the answer. Highlighting is too much effort. Thanks. Especially when you are reading it on a >>>>>>>> Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Davis Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 Especially when you are reading it on a >>>>>>>> I get the jokes as emails and the formatting is ignored so I see the joke without having to high light anything. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jongudmund Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 (edited) Ah, sorry. Will stop doing that. EDIT: and in fact have gone back to change the original posts. Edited November 21, 2016 by Jongudmund Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 The missus has just come home from town all angry and flustered Ses banned from santas grotto for crawling on his knee and whispering in his ear "ive been a baaaaad girl santa " ! apparently this inapropriate behavior ...but he knows where all the bad girls live...(and, strangely enough, all the bad boys...'and those of you yet to make up your mind...') Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Ah, sorry. Will stop doing that. EDIT: and in fact have gone back to change the original posts. So no clue as to what the answer was for the people that cannot be bothered to highlight. Feeekking SquirrelPOOOOO Stop being so lazy!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 (edited) I am sure we must have had this one before, but it always makes me snigger whenever I hear it:- Michael Caine is having a party for all of the 'beautiful people' of the time. The Beatles, the Stones, Mary Quant, Twiggy, The Hollies and Jim Morrison and the boys from the group are there. After a while Michael sees Jim Morrison and the boys go upstairs to a bedroom with a groupie. An hour or so later everyone emerges with big smiles all round and rejoin the party. After a while Michael sees the groupie with one of the Beatles and decides to keep an eye on the situation. Shortly afterwards he sees the groupie and the Beatle emerging from a bedroom, the groupie, with a messy face. Michael shouts at her, 'Oi,you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!' Edited November 22, 2016 by andytrains Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted November 23, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 23, 2016 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted November 23, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 23, 2016 A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business so he walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?” The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.” 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak and were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft and it sank. Thus proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bernard Lamb Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business so he walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?” The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.” There is a true story involving the late Robert Maxwell that is very much like that. Except that the man was a driver waiting to pick up a bundle of papers. Bernard 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 I am sure we must have had this one before, but it always makes me snigger whenever I hear it:- Michael Caine is having a party for all of the 'beautiful people' of the time. The Beatles, the Stones, Mary Quant, Twiggy, The Hollies and Jim Morrison and the boys from the group are there. After a while Michael sees Jim Morrison and the boys go upstairs to a bedroom with a groupie. An hour or so later everyone emerges with big smiles all round and rejoin the party. After a while Michael sees the groupie with one of the Beatles and decides to keep an eye on the situation. Shortly afterwards he sees the groupie and the Beatle emerging from a bedroom, the groupie, with a messy face. Michael shouts at her, 'Oi,you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!' Ah, the family-friendly RMweb at its best... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 I was sat in a restaurant earlier and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this knobhead shouts, 'That's just for starters!' Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted November 28, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 28, 2016 Did you return it to his face, explaining it's just desert? Desert? Are we to fling the Sahara around now? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted November 28, 2016 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted November 28, 2016 and for the main course there is all the sand which is there! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danemouth Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 Talking to somebody about schools today. He told me his school was so rough even the rats carried flick knives :) Well it tickled my sense of humour anyway. Dave Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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