The Forum Jokes Thread

[cromptonnut]

I would like to share with you all a personal experience about drinking and driving.

 

As you know, some of us have had brushes with the "long arm of the law" from time to time - often on the way home after a social session with friends and family.

 

Well two days ago this happened to me...

 

I was out with friends and had more than a few pints and Bacardis. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know that I was over the limit. So, I did something sensible and I took the bus home.

 

Sure enough on the way home I saw Police stopping and breathalysing people - but sure enough, they waved the bus through - and I arrived home safely and without incident.

To be honest, this was a real surprise to me.

 

You see, I've never actually driven a bus before... and now it's parked around the back of my house and I don't know how to return it without getting in bother. Any ideas?

[BoD]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' . 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

'Hardly worth going home, is it? She replied.

[ColinK]

Christmas, the time of year when families get together and play trivial disputes.

[ikks]

 A Matter of Interpretation **

 

Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear. At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behindthe counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked herfor her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,  "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!" A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulderand said, "What she really said was:  666136429."

[kevinlms]

Some Christmas jokes

 

 

A Christmas cake joke!

Just been to the supermarket and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. Can’t believe the currant exchange rate.

 

 

 

 

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Because their days are numbered!

 

 

 

 

 

 

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?


Wait for it.


A bit longer.


Santa going through a revolving door!

[Steve K]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' . 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

'Hardly worth going home, is it? She replied.

 

Blimey, that's a bit bleak, isn't it?

[bluebottle]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' . 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

'Hardly worth going home, is it? She replied.

 

Blimey, that's a bit bleak, isn't it?

 

I dunno; she might have been a never-say-die old girl, giving the undertaker the come-on...

[EHertsGER]

I have it on reasonably good authority from a friend of mine who bears an uncanny resemblance to Tommy Lee Jones - or maybe Will Smith - no matter...

 

...that sometime in February there will be an inaugural cabinet meeting at Trump Tower...after which the engines will start and it will lift off, returning to its planet of origin...

[Allegheny1600]

I have it on reasonably good authority from a friend of mine who bears an uncanny resemblance to Tommy Lee Jones - or maybe Will Smith - no matter...

 

...that sometime in February there will be an inaugural cabinet meeting at Trump Tower...after which the engines will start and it will lift off, returning to its planet of origin...

We can hope!

 

Meanwhile;

In the middle of the night, Paddy is crawling on his hands and knees under a streetlight. A policeman comes by and asks “What are you looking for?”

“I’m looking for me keys”!

The policeman helps him and also starts looking for the missing keys. After half an hour he asks “Are you sure you lost them around here?”

“No, over there, on that side”.

“Then why are you looking over here?”

“It’s dark over there, I can’t see anything”!

[Allegheny1600]

A married woman is buying a wardrobe at IKEA, she thinks “I can build this easily”.

At home she builds it without any problems but as soon as she is finished, a tram passes on the street and it falls to pieces.

“What on earth” The woman thinks and builds it again but another tram passes and again the wardrobe falls apart. Annoyed the woman calls IKEA and asks for a technician to come over else she will sue them.

The technician comes, builds the wardrobe expertly, a tram passes and it falls apart again. “Hmmm . . .” he says “I’ll rebuild the wardrobe again, when it‘s finished, I‘ll stay inside it until a tram comes and we‘ll see what is happening”.

They get it built and the man goes inside the wardrobe to wait. Just then, the woman’s husband comes home “Oh honey” he says “You’ve already built the new wardrobe!” opening the door and says in astonishment mixed with anger and suspicion “And what are you doing here?”

“Would you believe” the technician says “I’m waiting for a tram!”

[EHertsGER]

 

A married woman is buying a wardrobe at IKEA, she thinks “I can build this easily”.

At home she builds it without any problems but as soon as she is finished, a tram passes on the street and it falls to pieces.

“What on earth” The woman thinks and builds it again but another tram passes and again the wardrobe falls apart. Annoyed the woman calls IKEA and asks for a technician to come over else she will sue them.

The technician comes, builds the wardrobe expertly, a tram passes and it falls apart again. “Hmmm . . .” he says “I’ll rebuild the wardrobe again, when it‘s finished, I‘ll stay inside it until a tram comes and we‘ll see what is happening”.

They get it built and the man goes inside the wardrobe to wait. Just then, the woman’s husband comes home “Oh honey” he says “You’ve already built the new wardrobe!” opening the door and says in astonishment mixed with anger and suspicion “And what are you doing here?”

“Would you believe” the technician says “I’m waiting for a tram!”

 

The recently proposed merger of IKEA and NIKE has been called off after consumer watchdog organisations objected to the format of the new instruction sheets. To save costs they would have delivered a standardized message, regardless of product: 'JUST DO IT!' 

[BoD]

'Everything comes six packed'  doesn't sound right either.

[cromptonnut]

Reminds me of the song that Dire Straits and Chris Rea did.

 

It was ... not very good.

[RJS1977]

Which reminds me in turn of someone I know who recently missed a letter out of 'Aberdeen Angus'. He's gone to bottom of the class!

[Sidecar Racer]

 It's embarrassing when it happens .

 

 

 

 

[Tom D]

Warning to all Viagara users

 

An elderly man had just began using Viagara, much to the relief of his very frustrated wife (having had no sex for many, many years). After the Viagara took effect, the wife was now very content with her life, however, the husband was well aware of the warning, that an erection lasting more than 4 hours, required immediate medical attention, and as he was experiencing this condition, he sought medical attention. The Doctor told the man to immediately cease using Viagara, when he got home and told his wife......she shot him!

[Colin_McLeod]

Shot who? The husband or the doctor?

[bluebottle]

Shot who? The husband or the doctor?

 

I didn't get as far as pondering the wobbly syntax in the last sentence; I was intrigued by the mention of this medication "Viagara". A trade name in Canada for the one used to treat erectile dysfunction? Advertised using a slogan guaranteeing an exciting and productive ride, possibly -

"Shoot the rapids with Viagara!"

[peanuts]

Apparently owls cannot mate during a rain shower 

 

 its too wet to woo 

[Buhar]

Have you been steaming open your Christmas crackers, Peanuts.  The owl one is awful!

[Allegheny1600]

In the dining car,

“Waiter! My coffee is cold”

The waiter responds “Then swap with the man on table five, he said his beer is warm”.

 

 

The best lovers are locomotive drivers.

Why?

They never come too early

[Allegheny1600]

2 fleas arrange regularly to vacation together. The first one sits comfortably at the pool, sips a cocktail and enjoys life. Then comes the other flea, frozen stiff, trembling and completely drenched. Ask the first: "What happened to you?". The second, "I am in the beard of a biker, who has come up with 180 miles an hour on the highway". The first flea replies: "That's stupid, you have to do it like I did, I crawled up the leg of a stewardess and made myself comfortable." The second: "Great, I will do that next year". 

A year has passed, the two fleas are once again arranged for a joint holiday. The first one is already there again, sits by the pool etc ... comes the second, again completely frozen. Ask the first: "What is it, did you not follow my plan?". The second one replies, "I did, I was looking for a stewardess, I crawled up her leg and made myself comfortable.I was even so cuddly that I slept.When I woke up, I hung in the beard of a biker , Which with 180 ... "

[Allegheny1600]

A pastor comes to visit another parish. There he sees the housekeeper is very pretty. He asks the priest there: "Where does the beauty sleep?" - "In the bedroom in the double bed." 

"And you?" - "Next to her." 

"And what do you do when the desire comes over you?" - "Then I take the dog and go around the cemetery until the desire is gone." 

"And what if she gets the desire?" - "Then she takes the dog and goes so long around the cemetery until the lust is gone again." 

"And if both of you get the desire?" - "Then the dog must go alone."

[RJS1977]

Have you been steaming open your Christmas crackers, Peanuts.  The owl one is awful!

 

That one actually did turn up in a Christmas cracker at my work 'do' last night!

[peanuts]

There is a nudist convention on in town next week.
I might go if I have nothing on.