Jump to content
RMweb
 

The Forum Jokes Thread

Colin_McLeod

By Colin_McLeod
in Wheeltappers

 Share
AY Mod
Message added by AY Mod,

Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

Recommended Posts

peanuts

peanuts

Posted
Posted

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

"I want to return as a hen."

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said.

"How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like I am going to explode."

"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Rob asked.

"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."

Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
bluebottle

bluebottle

Posted
Posted

 The Fleet Commander on deck of a  US battleship during night maneuvers off the Newfoundland coast sends out a signal to what he thinks is a search light ship  on a collision course with his own.

 

"This is the Fleet Commander of a US battleship on night maneuvers If you don't alter your course immediately. I will take extreme measures to protect my fleet. You have been warned"

 

The signal came back informing the Fleet Commander that "This is the Newfoundland  light house. Your call "

 

 Snopes say that they get a lot of calls from people asking if the story is true, and those people are usually incredulous when told: "No!"

“It’s a totally bogus story, but over the last four months we’ve gotten at least 12, maybe 18 calls from different media sources trying to confirm that,” said Cmdr. Kevin Wensing, an Atlantic Fleet spokesman in Norfolk. “Unfortunately, some of them don’t check it out. They just repeat it.

“The first time I heard of it was — oh, let’s see, how long — about 10 years ago or so, I think. “That story’s so old,” Wensing said, “it probably started out back in the galleon days, or back when there was a big lighthouse at Alexandria, Egypt.”

I'd guess that Allan first told the story about that time. :derisive:

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
peanuts

peanuts

Posted
Posted

So, I'm at Pets at Home buying a bag of food for the dog1f436.png 
While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog 1f914.png Why else would I be buying dog food?
So being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!
I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go. 
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Now that you've read this I have to confess, I stole it from another page! Now go make someone else laugh

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
monkeysarefun

monkeysarefun

Posted
Posted (edited)

A young couple were making passionate love in the blokes panel van

post-22541-0-14255800-1504177264.jpg

(you know, shagpile carpets, big double mattress in the back ... all that stuff that was huge in Australian '70's panel vans...)

when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh please, whip me, whip

me!"

The bloke, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, but not

having any whips to hand,  in a flash of inspiration, opens the window,

snaps the aerial off the van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both

collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

 

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping

session are still raw red welts so she goes to the doctor. The doctor

takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having

sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

 

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in

all my years of doctoring...........You've got the worst case of VAN AERIAL

DISEASE that I've ever seen."

Edited by monkeysarefun
Link to comment
Share on other sites
allan downes

allan downes

Posted
Posted

35,000 feet up in the air an arrogant first class passenger turns to the guy behind him who's flying third class and asks "Why would anyone want to sit in the back half of a 'plane when, for a few bucks more, you could sit up front in first class comfort,  enjoy better food, better service, and better looking stewardesses to which the third class guy replies "  In case we have a crash. You see, what I mean to say is, have you ever heard of a 'plane backing into a mountain ? "

 

Allan

Link to comment
Share on other sites
RJS1977

RJS1977

Posted
Posted

Reminds me of a conversation I heard over 20 years ago when I was scorer for my school's First XI cricket team.

 

During one of our home games, my school was fielding and most of the away team were sat on the pavilion steps either waiting to bat or having got out.

 

As the school was close to the flight path to Manchester Airport, the visitors spent almost as much time watching the aeroplanes as the cricket.

 

As certain airlines had a number of 'slots' at the airport with flights from different destinations, it was quite common to see two almost identical aeroplanes fly over within minutes of each other.

 

"Didn't that plane fly over a few minutes ago?" asked one of the visitors.

 

"It must have reversed," replied his friend. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • RMweb Premium
Coryton

Coryton

Posted
  • RMweb Premium
Posted

Reminds me of a conversation I heard over 20 years ago when I was scorer for my school's First XI cricket team.

 

During one of our home games, my school was fielding and most of the away team were sat on the pavilion steps either waiting to bat or having got out.

 

As the school was close to the flight path to Manchester Airport, the visitors spent almost as much time watching the aeroplanes as the cricket.

 

As certain airlines had a number of 'slots' at the airport with flights from different destinations, it was quite common to see two almost identical aeroplanes fly over within minutes of each other.

 

"Didn't that plane fly over a few minutes ago?" asked one of the visitors.

 

"It must have reversed," replied his friend. 

 

It's not unknown for a plane to have to make two (or more) goes at landing, of course.

 

For a year I lived in a tower block with a view of Manchester Airport in the distance. I occasionally used to listen to ATC (which somehow I could pick up on a regular, not airband, radio). It was...interesting...hearing how short the time between getting permission to land and the plane hitting the runway could be.

 

I concluded that this was OK because even up to the last few seconds they still had the option of pulling up and going round again.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
allan downes

allan downes

Posted
Posted

Percy Shaw, the man who invented cats eyes road studs, got the idea when riding home one night on his bicycle when his head lamp picked up the eyes of a cat as it came towards him.

 

Now the question is, had the cat been walking the other way, would he have invented the pencil sharpner instead ?

 

Allan.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • RMweb Premium
kevinlms

kevinlms

Posted
  • RMweb Premium
Posted

Reminds me of a conversation I heard over 20 years ago when I was scorer for my school's First XI cricket team.

 

During one of our home games, my school was fielding and most of the away team were sat on the pavilion steps either waiting to bat or having got out.

 

As the school was close to the flight path to Manchester Airport, the visitors spent almost as much time watching the aeroplanes as the cricket.

 

As certain airlines had a number of 'slots' at the airport with flights from different destinations, it was quite common to see two almost identical aeroplanes fly over within minutes of each other.

 

"Didn't that plane fly over a few minutes ago?" asked one of the visitors.

 

"It must have reversed," replied his friend. 

Maybe, the passengers had a vote & decided not to go to Manchester after all, but the captain over ruled as insufficient fuel!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • RMweb Gold
Enterprisingwestern

Enterprisingwestern

Posted
  • RMweb Gold
Posted

Percy Shaw, the man who invented cats eyes road studs, got the idea when riding home one night on his bicycle when his head lamp picked up the eyes of a cat as it came towards him.

 

Now the question is, had the cat been walking the other way, would he have invented the pencil sharpner instead ?

 

Allan.

 

Ken Dodd, Tommy Cooper, Bernard Manning, go back to the 70's and select!!

 

Mike.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • RMweb Premium
Coryton

Coryton

Posted
  • RMweb Premium
Posted

Percy Shaw, the man who invented cats eyes road studs, got the idea when riding home one night on his bicycle when his head lamp picked up the eyes of a cat as it came towards him.

 

Now the question is, had the cat been walking the other way, would he have invented the pencil sharpner instead ?

 

Allan.

 

Or those things you stick on the kitchen wall and push the end of tea-towels into?

Link to comment
Share on other sites
AndrewC

AndrewC

Posted
Posted

I see Channel 4 have had to cancel a cookery programme that was to be presented by a Chinese fashionista.

It's because Gok Wan's woks gone.

 

Mike.

Shame as many Liverpool supporters sang about that programme. 

 

Wok on, wok on, ...........

Link to comment
Share on other sites
AndrewC

AndrewC

Posted
Posted (edited)

Oh, and before anyone else posts it. 

 

Buzz Aldrin was the first man to cook in space. The Police wrote a song about it even. 

 

Wok'n on the moon. 

 

 

 

.... hat coat airlock

Edited by AndrewC
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
AndrewC

AndrewC

Posted
Posted

There are many good 'wok' song titles:

 

Wokking the dog

 

A wok on the wild side

 

Wokkin' to New Orleans

 

Wok on by (wait on the corner)

 

and so on....

you forgot Elton John's tribute to Buzz as well. 

 

Wok-it Man. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...