Mike Storey Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 I was at a fancy dress party last week. The theme was "home". A completely naked man arrived, with a completely naked woman riding on his back. When asked exactly what he had come as, he replied " a snail". When asked who exactly the naked woman on his back was meant to be, he replied "Oh, that's Michelle"...... (Here all week). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted September 2, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 2, 2017 I was at a fancy dress party last week. The theme was "home". A completely naked man arrived, with a completely naked woman riding on his back. When asked exactly what he had come as, he replied " a snail". When asked who exactly the naked woman on his back was meant to be, he replied "Oh, that's Michelle"...... (Here all week). 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 Two US Cavalry officers and their columns meet in the middle of the desert. First officer. "My scout's better than yorn" At which the scout puts his ear to the ground and says " Hundred horses heading this way " Then the second officer nods to his scout who puts his ear to the ground and says " Him right, but one is blind " Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 Percy Shaw, the man who invented cats eyes road studs, got the idea when riding home one night on his bicycle when his head lamp picked up the eyes of a cat as it came towards him. Now the question is, had the cat been walking the other way, would he have invented the pencil sharpner instead ? Allan. Not unless the cat had a highly reflective anal sphincter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 (edited) Not a joke but a fact, though possibly a joke anyway. Back in 1800's America, the US government stuck 100,000 Indians on a wild and barren reservation in North Dakota. Then one day after they had all settled in, an Indian out for a walk fell into a pool of oil. Anyway, on learning of this, the US government, 50 Cavalry units, 50 Gatling guns and 20,000 dead Indians later, a new deal was struck and the remainder of the Indians settled on another reservation in South Dakota. Allan Edited September 2, 2017 by allan downes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 (edited) Unfortunately, it didn't occur to the Native Americans to build a thirty-foot high wall around their reservation. (Edited to delete first thought as possibly probably inviting censorship). Edited September 2, 2017 by bluebottle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 Surrounded by Indians, the Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says " We're stuffed " to which Tonto replied " What do you mean - 'we' ? " Allan 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 (edited) Defending his Position, the platoon captain turns to his men and says " Right men, we're outnumbered 10 to 1. This is gonna be a fight to the finish " Then half way through the battle, Paddy sits down in the corner and lights up a fag. " M'Ginty !!! " Screams the captain "What the Hell are you at man !!" - " Having a fag sir " Replies Paddy " I've killed my ten " Allan. Edited September 2, 2017 by allan downes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N15class Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 Unfortunately, it didn't occur to the Native Americans to build a thirty-foot high wall around their reservation. (Edited to delete first thought as possibly probably inviting censorship). Driving through Utah we came across a real dusty barren area next to no vegetation and the dust blowing in the wind. There was a huge sign beside the road claiming the government had out of the kindness of their heart given the area to the native Indians. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stanley Melrose Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 A couple of years ago my wife and I travelled across the USA by train - with additional trips by bus to see various sights. At one point we crossed a Navajo Reservation. It was desert and to anyone with common sense unhabitable but that is where the US Government had forced these folk to live. All was desperate until oil and gas were discovered whereupon the Navajo were delighted to give the Government the finger! Good for them . . . Stan 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 There's a bloke on this site called Buster, who keeps sending me loads of video clips of 1970's glam rockers, The Sweet. Does anyone know a way, There's got to be a way, To Block Buster. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 (edited) There's a bloke on this site called Buster, who keeps sending me loads of video clips of 1970's glam rockers, The Sweet. Does anyone know a way, There's got to be a way, To Block Buster. I'll have a P please Bob! https://youtu.be/_u3sbu6aokM Edited September 2, 2017 by Titan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wacol Posted September 3, 2017 Share Posted September 3, 2017 A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted September 3, 2017 Share Posted September 3, 2017 Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman about to guillotined in France for not being French Englishman goes first. Guillotine blade jams. He's set free. Scotsman goes next. Same thing happens. Guillotine blade jams. He's set free. Paddy goes last, looks up at the blade and yells " Hold it !. Oi can fix dat ! " Allan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted September 3, 2017 Share Posted September 3, 2017 Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman about to guillotined in France for not being French Englishman goes first. Guillotine blade jams. He's set free. Scotsman goes next. Same thing happens. Guillotine blade jams. He's set free. Paddy goes last, looks up at the blade and yells " Hold it !. Oi can fix dat ! " Allan. Having read that post, I turned the TV on and watched The Lucky Dog (released in 1921 - the first film to feature both Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy), and came across something familiar: https://youtu.be/Q2j1chr3Jv0?t=800 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted September 3, 2017 Share Posted September 3, 2017 little life style tip gents if you get your missus pregnant in the next two weeks you will qualify for two weeks paternity leave during world cup 2018 little life style tip gents if you get your missus pregnant in the next two weeks you will qualify for two weeks paternity leave during world cup 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold chris p bacon Posted September 3, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 3, 2017 little life style tip gents if you get your missus pregnant in the next two weeks you will qualify for two weeks paternity leave during world cup 2018 little life style tip gents if you get your missus pregnant in the next two weeks you will qualify for two weeks paternity leave during world cup 2018 Is that for twins? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N15class Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 (edited) Not another world cup Edited September 4, 2017 by N15class Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium BR60103 Posted September 4, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 4, 2017 Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman about to guillotined in France for not being French Englishman goes first. Guillotine blade jams. He's set free. Scotsman goes next. Same thing happens. Guillotine blade jams. He's set free. Paddy goes last, looks up at the blade and yells " Hold it !. Oi can fix dat ! " Allan. When I first heard it, the last fellow was an engineer. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allan downes Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 A notice underneath a battle axe in a Hastings museum reads. 'This is an original battle axe from the Battle of Hastings, 1066. In its time it has had two new handles and three new heads' Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 A notice underneath a battle axe in a Hastings museum reads. 'This is an original battle axe from the Battle of Hastings, 1066. In its time it has had two new handles and three new heads' Allan Has it been on tour in the USA and Australia? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 little life style tip gents if you get your missus pregnant in the next two weeks you will qualify for two weeks paternity leave during world cup 2018 little life style tip gents if you get your missus pregnant in the next two weeks you will qualify for two weeks paternity leave during world cup 2018 Couple of observations 1) Scots need not bother as they most likely wont be there (yet again) 2) Would be handy for the English Fans as the sound of the baby crying will drown out their own wailing as they lose yet another penalty shootout :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted September 4, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 4, 2017 Has it been on tour in the USA and Australia? What, the joke? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 What, the joke? Yes, via Doncaster and the south London district of Peckham. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 Yes, via Doncaster and the south London district of Peckham. Not forgetting a long stay in York... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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