The Forum Jokes Thread

[Compound2632]

A husband and wife both are avid golfers. But they are both very bad at it. They are on the verge of giving up, when the husband decideds to gets some tips from a professional.

 

The expert takes him to the tee, and watches him tee off, and the ball goes a whole 9 yards. The expert sees his grip is wrong. He then tells him to try again, but hold the club like he is holding his Johnson. The man does so and hits the ball 100 yards.

 

Over the moon at his improvement, he rushes home to tell his wife, and she goes to see the same expert for tips.

 

She tees off, and hits the ball 6 yards. The expert sees that her grip is wrong, and tells her to pretend the club is her husbands Johnson and try again. On the second try she gets the ball a whole 7 yards.

 

The expert tells her to try again, but this time take the club out of her mouth.

 

Though the meaning is evident from the context, I looked that up and was disappointed to find it's not a current political reference.

[peanuts]

step 1 enter pet shop 

 

step 2 order large bag of bird seed 

 

step 3 ask sales assistant when the seeds will sprout chicks 

 

step 4 await reaction of said assistant 

[PhilJ W]

Wife "I've got this bag of my old clothes, do you think I should give them to charity?"

Husband "Nah, just throw them out for the dustman."

W. "But what about all the poor and starving people?"

H. "If they fit them they certainly aren't starving."

They say he should be out of hospital in time for Christmas.

[Mike Storey]

The Brussels Golf Club

Mr Dave Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier, the membership secretary sees him.

"Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership, if you would like to come to my office we can settle your account".

"I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis..

"Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement"

In Mr Barniers office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club? "Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".

"Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet". "As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount".

"That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"!

"But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis.

"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. "There is also your bar bill".

"But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis. "Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked".. "You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year". "You therefore owe us £2600 for the year".

"Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis. "No of course not Mr Davis". "You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier. "Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers". "Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".

"I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis.

"No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!"

"Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof".

"Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"

"Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week", your share of the bill is £2000".

"I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?".

"Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension". "We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month". "He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it". "This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier.

"Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for

food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!"

"Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.

 

Now we understand what Brexit is all about

 

Quite funny except that you forgot the funniest parts:

 

Mr Davis, you remember that you agreed several times to underwrite and guarantee loans made by our golf club, a lot of them to your own family, for transport projects and suchlike to the value of 36.2 billion euros? "Well" says Mr Davis "I vaguely remember them but surely you will write that off now I am leaving the golf cub?". Of course, says Mr Barnier, so long as you repay the loans before you leave. "But that is outrageous" says Mr Davis.

 

And Mr Davis, you will recall we employed a large number of your own family at our club for the past 44 years? "Yes, I do" says Mr Davis "and we are very proud of the contribution they made". Quite so, says Mr Barnier, but they will be retiring over the next several years, and you agreed to help fund their pensions when they were employed, to the tune of about 9 billion euros. "Yes, we did" says Mr Davis "but we don't want to do that now we are leaving".  But you don't think that is a little immoral? asks Mr Barnier. "What do you mean exactly?" asks Mr Davis.

 

You might also remember that you agreed to, and to co-fund, many regional projects for poorer parts of our golf courses over the past several years, for which you have not yet paid your share, to the tune of about 27 billion euros? asked Mr Barnier. "Of course I do" responds Mr Davis "but s0d that now".

 

Perhaps you also remember agreeing to help fund the total EU budget until 2021, for a contribution you agreed as being 27.6 billion euros? asked Mr Barnier. "No, I don't think we ever said that." replied Mr Davis. But I have the agreement you signed, and your family's farmers and fishing folk are getting a big chunk of that and will still get it until 2021, if you agree, responded Mr Barnier. "Oh that" says Mr Davis "but we didn't really mean it.".

 

I will give you some of that money back, because you always got a club rebate (although no-one seems to remember why, but we will honour it) and because you also own part of our buildings and some money will be repaid from the projects in your garden, offers Mr Barnier. "Oh yes" says Mr Davis " we will have all that back, thank you very much."

 

"By the way", asks Mr Davis " can you please let me still use a big part of the golf course afterwards, but without any fees, and I don't want to follow any of your rules. We will decide what is right and wrong for your members that have been cheaply mending my lawns. You can still sell us your club's luxury clubs. And, while we are doing that, we will obviously get a better deal from all other golf courses meanwhile."

 

How we laughed! Good joke, ja?

[Coryton]

Quite funny except that you forgot the funniest parts:

 

<snipped>

 

How we laughed! Good joke, ja?

 

Is this a new way of trying to sneak politics into RMWeb?

[Coryton]

He didn't start it But, if you tell a story, tell it all, not just the convenient bit!

 

Indeed - my comment was more aimed at the original post rather than the response.

[peanuts]

Pat and Mick go over to London looking for work, Within a few days or so they have an interview with Wimpey.
Pat goes in first
"Mr Murphy"-holding up his right hand says: "What hand am I holding up?"
"That, sir is your right hand" says pat.
So he holds up the other "And this?"
"That, sir is your left" pat says
"Very good pat" says Mr Murphy, "You can start tomorrow morning, can you send the next person in on your way out"
So pat says to mick on the way out "It's dead easy the first answer is the right hand and the second is the left hand...
Mick walks in sits down the interviewer is just shutting the window, as he turns round he starts rubbing his hands together to warm them up and says it's getting a bit nippy in here. Mick says: "Oh, for sake don't shuffle them up.

[Reorte]

What do you call a communist sniper? A Marxman!

[allan downes]

Pat and Mick go over to London looking for work, Within a few days or so they have an interview with Wimpey.

Pat goes in first

"Mr Murphy"-holding up his right hand says: "What hand am I holding up?"

"That, sir is your right hand" says pat.

So he holds up the other "And this?"

"That, sir is your left" pat says

"Very good pat" says Mr Murphy, "You can start tomorrow morning, can you send the next person in on your way out"

So pat says to mick on the way out "It's dead easy the first answer is the right hand and the second is the left hand...

Mick walks in sits down the interviewer is just shutting the window, as he turns round he starts rubbing his hands together to warm them up and says it's getting a bit nippy in here. Mick says: "Oh, for ###### sake don't shuffle them up.

Something similar.

 

Pat and Murphy go for a job interview that requires strong and able bodied men.

 

Paddy goes in first and tells the interviewer -

 

"I'm as strong as an Ox and can lift anything "

 

"We've got a hydraulic jack that can lift anything so that takes care of that " replied the interviewer.

 

Outside after failing the interview, Paddy tells Murphy -

 

"Don't bother, Murph. They've got a bloke in there called Drybollock Jack who can lift anything."

Edited November 28, 2017 by allan downes

[Bernard Lamb]

Is this a new way of trying to sneak politics into RMWeb?

To be serious for a moment.

As a person who has had some involvement with pensions and the legislation governing them in both the UK and the EU.

(Those not in the know look up the history of PPF and FAS).

I suggest you look long and hard at the remark by Mr Davis that pensions are debatable. 

That remark can have serious consequences for many people in general terms and not just in respect of the current situation..

Bernard

[EHertsGER]

I read today that Viagra is to become a non-prescription drug. I asked my pharmacist if I could get it over the counter. He said if I could get it over the counter then I didn't need Viagra.

[Enterprisingwestern]

I read today that Viagra is to become a non prescription drug, saves me having to come into money to buy it.

 

Mike.

[peanuts]

Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.
Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a , he's still going!

[pH]

- What wears a shirt with number seven on the back, carries a rifle and gives milk?

 

- A right-wing military coo.

[Bill]

"Groan" or "Awful" button - either will do..!!!

 

Having sympathy for the afflicted is another option - so perhaps one can use the 'Friendly supportive' button for that purpose?

..

[NorthBrit]

As the country (according to the Beeb) grinds to a halt over a few flakes of snow, Northerners wonder what the fuss is all about.

Edited November 30, 2017 by NorthBrit

[cheesysmith]

A English man, a scot and a Irish man crash land in the jungle. They are totally lost, and need to survive. The English man goes out hunting to find food. He comes back with a deer. As the others help him with it they ask how did he do it. He says "simple. I found tracks, I followed tracks, I kill prey".

 

The scots man goes out next, and brings back a bison. They ask him how, to which he says "I find track, I follow tracks, I kill prey".

 

Then the Irish man goes out. He is gone a long time. When he comes back, he is badly injured with broken bones and bleeding. They ask him what happened? He says " I found tracks, I followed tracks, then I got hit by a trains".

[PhilJ W]

Teresa May, Donald Trump, the Pope and a schoolboy are in a plane thats about to crash but they find that there is only three parachutes. Teresa May declares that she should have one as she is needed for the Brexit negotiations so she donned a parachute and jumped. Donald Trump declared "I'm the smartest POTUS theres ever been so I should have a parachute." so he donned one and jumped. The Pope then turned to the schoolboy and said "I am old and you have your life ahead of you so you take the last parachute." to which the schoolboy replied. "Its OK holy father theres two parachutes left  as the smartest president theres ever been grabbed my school bag instead."

[BG John]

Teresa May, Donald Trump, the Pope and a schoolboy are in a plane thats about to crash but they find that there is only three parachutes. Teresa May declares that she should have one as she is needed for the Brexit negotiations so she donned a parachute and jumped. Donald Trump declared "I'm the smartest POTUS theres ever been so I should have a parachute." so he donned one and jumped. The Pope then turned to the schoolboy and said "I am old and you have your life ahead of you so you take the last parachute." to which the schoolboy replied. "Its OK holy father theres two parachutes left  as the smartest president theres ever been grabbed my school bag instead."

I was expecting the punchline to be "It's OK holy father, you can have it. I can't face a long life in a world inhabited by those two".

[peanuts]

 

 

Man on his deathbed with his wife and nurse nearby, says "I want to leave the 2 blocks of flats in Kensington to my son David, the 4 penthouses in Chelsea to Micheal, and Kevin can have the big glass building near Tower Bridge.

 

The nurse turned to the wife and said I never realised your husband had property,

 

the wife replied, he hasn't, hes a bleeding window cleaner..

[bluebottle]

Teresa May, Donald Trump, the Pope and a schoolboy are in a plane thats about to crash but they find that there is only three parachutes. Teresa May declares that she should have one as she is needed for the Brexit negotiations so she donned a parachute and jumped. Donald Trump declared "I'm the smartest POTUS theres ever been so I should have a parachute." so he donned one and jumped. The Pope then turned to the schoolboy and said "I am old and you have your life ahead of you so you take the last parachute." to which the schoolboy replied. "Its OK holy father theres two parachutes left  as the smartest president theres ever been grabbed my school bag instead."

 

Ah, a golden oldie! I remember the class wit telling that one (with a different bogeyman, of course) while I was in the first form at school, followed by a chorus of -

"Ooooh, that one's got whiskers on it!"

Happy days!

[Bernard Lamb]

Man on his deathbed with his wife and nurse nearby, says "I want to leave the 2 blocks of flats in Kensington to my son David, the 4 penthouses in Chelsea to Micheal, and Kevin can have the big glass building near Tower Bridge.

 

The nurse turned to the wife and said I never realised your husband had property,

 

the wife replied, he hasn't, hes a bleeding window cleaner..

Very relevant if you see the news item today about a window cleaner who was left about £300k.

The relatives contested the will and won. He got sent to prison for not telling them where the money went.

Bernard

[Joseph_Pestell]

I'm sorry if some of my posts today contain typos. I'm not wearing my flasses.

Edited December 1, 2017 by Joseph_Pestell

[NorthBrit]

              -----  Thought Of The Day -----

 

         I wonder if Chris Rea has set off yet?

 

 

 

 

 

(He's 'Drivin' Home For Christmas')

[Tony Davis]

              -----  Thought Of The Day -----

 

         I wonder if Chris Rea has set off yet?

 

 

 

 

 

(He's 'Drivin' Home For Christmas')

He is going to see his brother, Dai.

Edited December 1, 2017 by anthony07