The Forum Jokes Thread

[Liam]

I developed the ability to be able to unconsciously commit the last two sentences to short term memory, without paying attention to what was being said. This meant that when the inevitable question came I was able to repeat the sentences back verbatim, proving her wrong which for some reason made her even more annoyed...

 

So in your household something like this happens then?

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y0C59pI_ypQ

[allan downes]

A tourist asks the booking clerk at a remote country station in Ireland when is the next train for Cork due.

 

"Well " explains the clerk "There's no definite time as such Sir but if it isn't here it's either not arrived yet or you've missed it "

[Compound2632]

... which leads on to the old story of the passenger who'd missed the train because for once it had left on time: "Well to be sure that was yesterday's train that left; today's train will be along tomorrow".

[allan downes]

An old bull and a young trainee bull stood on top of a hill looking down on the herd of cows below.

 

"Cor !" exclaimed the young bull "Let's rush down there and service one of  them !"

 

"No " instructed the old bull " Let's walk down there and  service  all of them " 

[RJS1977]

A farmer woke up one cold morning to find all his cows had frozen solid overnight.

 

As he stood looking at them, wondering what to do, a lady walked into the field, and breathed on and rubbed the first cow, until it defrosted and came back to life again. Then she moved on to the second, and the third, until all the cows were back to their old selves.

 

"Thank you," said the farmer. "Is there anything I can do to repay you?"

 

"No," replied the woman. "Seeing the cows moving around is payment enough for me."

 

"Then won't you at least tell me your name?" the farmer asked.

 

The lady replied, "It's Thaw-a Herd!"

[PhilJ W]

A farmer woke up one cold morning to find all his cows had frozen solid overnight.

 

As he stood looking at them, wondering what to do, a lady walked into the field, and breathed on and rubbed the first cow, until it defrosted and came back to life again. Then she moved on to the second, and the third, until all the cows were back to their old selves.

 

"Thank you," said the farmer. "Is there anything I can do to repay you?"

 

"No," replied the woman. "Seeing the cows moving around is payment enough for me."

 

"Then won't you at least tell me your name?" the farmer asked.

 

The lady replied, "It's Thaw-a Herd!"

GROAN button NOW!

[leopardml2341]

GROAN button NOW!

Funny, that's what SWMBO said too!

[NorthBrit]

The wife said to me “You’re not even listening to me.”

 

I thought, ‘That’s a strange way to start a conversation.’

[chris p bacon]

Thanks to a friend on Facebook, I hope this hasn't been shared here before.

 

 

My wife just said 'You weren't even listening were you?'

 

I thought, that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation.

 

 

The wife said to me “You’re not even listening to me.”

 

I thought, ‘That’s a strange way to start a conversation.’

 

 

Blimey now we're down to just 2 (and a bit) days between repeats.

Edited January 5, 2018 by chris p bacon

[NorthBrit]

Divers have just returned from the wreck of the Titanic.

 

They were amazed to find the swimming pool still full.

[F-UnitMad]

Blimey now we're down to just 2 (and a bit) days between repeats.

And on the same page..!!!???!!!

 

My 14-yr old lad has an attention span longer than that!!!

[FPH 603]

At that age, you'd sure hope they have a good attention span!

[chris p bacon]

At that age, you'd sure hope they have a good attention span!

 

About what ?

[FPH 603]

Anything & Everything!

 

EDIT: Stupid autocorrect!

Edited January 5, 2018 by DoubleDeckInterurban

[Titan]

Blimey now we're down to just 2 (and a bit) days between repeats.

That's a strange way to start a thread.

Edited January 5, 2018 by Titan

[NorthBrit]

That's a strange way to start a thread.

 

He must have the needle.

[luckymucklebackit]

A mother and her young inquisitive son were travelling by Virgin East Coast Trains from London to Edinburgh

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't trains have baby trains?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the Train Manager.

So the boy dutifully asked the Train Manager, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't  trains have baby trains?"

The Train Manager responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby Trains because Virgin always pull out on time*. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

 

 

*Believe that if you will - no mention of Baby Deltics please!

 

Jim

[kevinlms]

A mother and her young inquisitive son were travelling by Virgin East Coast Trains from London to Edinburgh

 

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't trains have baby trains?"

 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the Train Manager.

 

So the boy dutifully asked the Train Manager, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't  trains have baby trains?"

 

The Train Manager responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

 

The little boy admitted that she did.

 

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby Trains because Virgin always pull out on time*. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

 

 

 

*Believe that if you will - no mention of Baby Deltics please!

 

Jim

But surely the trains NEVER pull out early, but are late sometimes? So lots of baby trains!

 

Also many/most trains are shorter in length, than earlier times. So could be referred to as 'baby trains'?

 

Then there are narrow gauge trains!

[FPH 603]

Or model trains!

[Welchester]

I thought that a Virgin Train was one that hadn't been into a tunnel.

[chris p bacon]

Depends on the subject I s'pose. Certain parts of the Biology Curriculum are very, very interesting for 14 y/o boys   (more so if Practice lessons are involved )

 

 

 

Not if you went to an 'All Boys' school......

[Enterprisingwestern]

Trains are always coupling, so there must be lots of baby trains somewhere.

 

Mike.

[allan downes]

 A rich American tourist hires a taxi driver to show him around England.

 

Anyway, wherever he goes or whatever he shows him the American belittles it by comparing it to similar in the United States where, naturally, everything is twice as big and twice as spectacular.

 

Tiring of all this the Taxi driver drives down  to Southampton just as the Queen Mary is coming into port where he tells the Yank that this is one of the many public boating lakes in the country where you can hire a small family boat for a pound an hour then shouts out to the Queen Mary -

 

"Come in number ten, you're times up !"

Edited January 5, 2018 by allan downes

[Colin_McLeod]

Must be the same American who got a guided tour of Ireland. When he saw the lakes of Killarney he said it would be great if there were lakes like that in America. The taxi driver responded by saying "If you can suck as well as you can blow, you can take them with you"

[Compound2632]

Well, if we're on Americans, in a more positive light there's the tale of the visitor from over the pond at Paddington in the 30s, being impressed by the standard of service offered by the Great Western Railway. Not only were there the expected dining and sleeping cars but also ones labelled "Reading" and "Bath"...

Edited January 5, 2018 by Compound2632