The Forum Jokes Thread

[Dagworth]

Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street. One is from Birmingham another is from Liverpool, and the third is some bloke from London.

 

All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."

 

The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me."

 

The bloke from London doesn't bother to measure or figure, but leans over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,700."

 

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The bloke whispers back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job."

 

"Done!" replies the government official..... And that is how Carillion was born.....

[APOLLO]

 Oh dear, Apollo, I put that one up a few weeks ago - but great to hear it again !

 

Allan.

 

Apologies Allan.

 

Brit15

[APOLLO]

[bluebottle]

Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street. One is from Birmingham another is from Liverpool, and the third is some bloke from London.

 

All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."

 

The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me."

 

The bloke from London doesn't bother to measure or figure, but leans over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,700."

 

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The bloke whispers back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job."

 

"Done!" replies the government official..... And that is how Carillion was born.....

 

I seem to remember a Londoner named Del boy coming up with a similar wheeze ...

... Nice topical twist, though!

Edited February 10, 2018 by bluebottle

[Bernard Lamb]

Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street. One is from Birmingham another is from Liverpool, and the third is some bloke from London.

 

All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."

 

The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me."

 

The bloke from London doesn't bother to measure or figure, but leans over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,700."

 

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The bloke whispers back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job."

 

"Done!" replies the government official..... And that is how Carillion was born.....

 

Or as actually happened at work.

I can sell you an equivalent machine to the one you want to buy.

It is no better and no worse than the one you would buy from the usual source but if you buy it from me there is £5000 going into your nominated bank account.

Or another example don't ask for a discount as we do not work like that. However the quote includes a £15k contingency fund and £5k of that is earmarked for expenses. 

Bernard

Bernard

[DIW]

Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street.....<snip>

 

I'm puzzled - why's this one in the jokes section? 

[Sidecar Racer]

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, 

 

“Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count.

 

The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

 

The mother responds, “Very good honey.” The blonde asks,

 

“Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?”

 

And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”

 

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said,

 

“Today in school we learned our ABCs!

 

The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K!

 

…. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”

 

The mother says, “Very good honey.”

 

The blonde then asked. “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”

 

The mother responds, “Yes dear.”

 

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother,

 

“Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts.

 

Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”

 


And the mother responds,

 

 

 

 

 

 

“No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”

[Sidecar Racer]

Veron comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

 

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

 

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

 

“Sand and pebbles,” answered Juan.

 

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike!”

 

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds

nothing in them but sand and pebbles.

 

He detains Veron overnight and has the sand and pebbles analyzed, only to discover

that there is nothing but pure sand and pebbles in two bags.

 

The guard releases Veron, puts the sand and pebbles into new bags, hefts them onto

the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

 

The next day, the same thing happens.

 

The guard asks, “What have you got?”

 

“Sand and pebbles,”replies Veron.

 

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain

nothing but sand and pebbles.

 

He gives the sand back to Veron, and Veron crosses the border on his bicycle.

 

This sequence of events is repeated every day for six months.

 

Finally, Veron doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

 

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.

 

It makes me crazy. It’s all I think about…

 

I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

 

Veron sips his tequila and says,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Bicycles.”

[Sidecar Racer]

^^^ Which is a variation of a joke I put in ages ago, wheel barrows in my case

 

I apologise , at my advanced age my photographic memory now has taken on sepia tones . 

[leopardml2341]

Are there any wholly new jokes?

 

Or are they all variants on the very first one told?

Edited February 12, 2018 by leopardml2341

[Enterprisingwestern]

Are there any wholly new jokes?

 

Or are they all variants on the very first one told?

 

Arsenal?

 

Mike.

[Liam]

Are there any wholly new jokes?

 

Or are they all variants on the very first one told?

I may have a new one:

 

I've just got a miniature poodle.

Miniature poodle?

Yes, the miniature turn around, he does a poodle.

[Sheffield]

This thread is getting like my television. Mostly repeats.

[Colin_McLeod]

Variation:

 

This thread is getting like MY television. Mostly repeats.

[Two_sugars]

Variation: 2. . 

This thread is getting like MY television. Mostly repeats. 

[luckymucklebackit]

It has been widely reported in he news that the battery chicken farms are pumping chickens full of antibiotics.

 

So that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.

 

Jim

 

[Titan]

Variation: 2. . 

 

This thread is getting like MY television. Mostly repeats. 

 

My wife just stopped, and said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”

 

I thought to myself, “That’s a very strange way to start a conversation......”.  

[F-UnitMad]

My wife just stopped, and said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”

 

I thought to myself, “That’s a very strange way to start a conversation......”.  

Agggggggghhhhh!!! :shout:

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[PhilJ W]

It has been widely reported in he news that the battery chicken farms are pumping chickens full of antibiotics.

 

So that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.

 

Jim

 

 

Not if you have a virus.

[FPH 603]

This thread is getting like my television. Mostly repeats.

This thread is already like the thing known as television. Mainly repeats.

 

(Trying to keep the repetitive tradition!)

[FPH 603]

What's Television?

That's why I said 'the thing known as television'!

[kevinlms]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.  She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,  but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope!  I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'.

[kevinlms]

A variation, sorry for posting the original twice.

 

 

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.  She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,  but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope!  I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are one day old.'

Stunned and insulted, the woman says, 'How dare you say that?'

'If you believed that story, you must have been born yesterday'.

Edited February 13, 2018 by kevinlms

[Sidecar Racer]

A couple is lying in bed.

 

The man says

 

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

 

 

 

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."