The Forum Jokes Thread

[DonB]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas ..

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

 

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Feeling smarter yet?

[RhBBob]

I once went out with a woman who had odd eyes.

 

 

 

One was blue..........the other two were green......

 

 

 

 

Now where's my old white mac

[sir douglas]

theres a film called "mama mia" in it is a girl with three dads....... that film could easily be set in barnsley

[DonB]

Don't know if this has appeared here before:-

 

 

The Bridge

 

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly

the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,

'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant

you one wish..'

 

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride

over anytime I want.'

 

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous

challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching

the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I

can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly

things. Take a little more time and think of something that could

possibly help man kind.'

 

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I

wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how

she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent

treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,

why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a

woman truly happy.

 

God replied: 'Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[DonB]

Parakeet Cull

 

"A species of parakeet that threatens wildlife and crops is to be removed from the wild", the government has said.

 

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) said the monk parakeet, originally from South America, was an invasive species.

 

It announced control measures to either rehouse the birds, remove their nests, or - as a last resort - shoot them." (News item.)

 

Would this be a parachute?

 

 

Sorry!

Got me coat on.............

[shortliner]

I couldn't resist posting this - love the second one in the first section!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

 

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ar$ehole.

 

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

 

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

 

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

 

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 

And the winners are:

 

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

 

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

 

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

 

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

 

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

 

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

 

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

 

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

 

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

 

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

 

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

 

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

 

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

[sir douglas]

^^ looking at these remind me of the profanisaurus in the "viz" magazine.

 

• a man walks into the doctor's surgery, "doctor doctor, i think im a moth",
   
  doctor replies "then why are you here, you need to see a psychiastrist",
   
  the man replies " i came here because your light was on"
• i once tried skiing but it all went down hill
• i once tried to be a butcher but i couldnt cut it
• i tried to be a taylor but it didnt suit me
• nobody thought that i could be a comedian but whos laughing now

[Horsetan]

Wife (slightly breathless): "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

 

Husband: "Right, could I have the good news first?"

 

Wife: "The good news is that our Volvo's airbag works....."

 

 

....The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 

Also available on "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" as part of the Uxbridge English Dictionary round, which I think this Forum has had a go at before, with amusing results. Time for a fresh round?

[DonB]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

 

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

 

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

 

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

 

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

 

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

 

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -

 

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[sir douglas]

a really simple one now

 

a receptionist called Aerial

 

 

[shortliner]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk

who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

 

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a

good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She

claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry

and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was

into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the

balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the

rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his

fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was

broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I

found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the

balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this

point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and

died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

 

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the

roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled

over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the

balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out

on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit

some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge

chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed

and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle

as he directs the man to the next room.

 

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He

apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as

the fellow in here just before you."

 

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'

in this cedar chest....."

 

 

[jbqfc]

It has just been revealed that the Irish SAS assited the USA in Pakistan...

Apparantly they stormed Debbenhams as they had heard the Summer Bed Linnen was on the third floor......................... __________________

 

[Diesel Dayz]

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past shouting ''THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!''

 

I think it was Farmer Geddon

[Horsetan]

An American bartender has created a brand new cocktail, and called it the "Bin Laden".

 

To make it, you need 2 shots followed by a splash of water.

[Guest dilbert]

My wife and I recently attended an agricultural show and one of the the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said 'This bull mated 50 times last year'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said "He mated fifty times last year, that's almost once per week".

 

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said 'This bull mated 150 times last year'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said 'Wow, that's more than twice a week. You could learn a lot from him".

 

We walked to the third pen which had a sign attached that said in capital letters 'This bull mated 365 times last year'. My wife was so excited that she nearly broke my ribs with her elbow and said "That's once per day. You could really learn something from him".

 

I looked at her and replied "Why don't you go over and ask him if it was with the same cow?".

 

 

 

 

My condition has now been upgraded from critical to stable and I eventually should make a full recovery.

[DonB]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to me & probably all males.

 

 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton

of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

 

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

 

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

 

He replied, "They had eggs."

[Brush47337]

Wow......

Completely amazed by what the Americans just did in Pakistan.....!

 

That's the first time I have ever heard of the Bins being taken out on a Bank Holiday Monday.

 

(Insert loud slow groan here)

 

Thanks to Andy Y for " pre approving" this wee joke.

[steve1]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...... I was petrified.

 

steve

[Calnefoxile]

Just before the Royal Wedding, Catherine decided to have a wee chat with Her Maj.

 

She asked "As I'm not from anywhere near Royalty, is there any advice you can give me about joining the Royal Family?"

 

The Queen replied "Yes my love, don't pee me off and wear a seat belt!!!!"

 

Regards

 

Neal.

 

P.S. I'll just take myself off to the Tower now then

[shortliner]

23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin.

 

Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the 1st ever No More Nails bomb !

[Horsetan]

News:

 

Cliff Richard has been commissioned to write a song to celebrate the elimination of Osama bin Laden.

 

Altogether now: We're All Going On Osama Holiday....

[travelintrev]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.

 

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

 

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

[Downendian]

A young man had enough of life in the fast lane, decided to leave the rat race and join a nudist colony.

 

After a year or so he received a letter from his mother saying how much she missed him and could she have a recent photograph.

 

Perplexed, the man had just one photo, but it was a full frontal nude pose. To spare his mothers blushes he cut the photo in two and sent her the top half,

 

A couple of weeks later he had a further letter, thanking him for the photo but that his grandmother was missing him too and could she also have a recent photo.

 

Having only the lower half of the only photo he had in his possession he sent it thinking that as his grandmother was a bit short sighted she wouldn't notice.

 

A couple of weeks later he had another letter from his mother saying "your gran thanks you for the photo, but your new hairstyle makes your nose look long".

[travelintrev]

NOAH TODAY

 

 

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,

Who was now living in Buffalo and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over

-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing

Along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will

Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

 

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah

Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!

Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

 

"I needed a Building Permit."

 

 

 

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector

About the need for a sprinkler system."

 

 

 

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the

Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my

Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to

Go to the Local Planning Committee for a variance."

 

 

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power

lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the

Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them

That the sea would be coming to us, but they would

Hear nothing of it."

 

 

 

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban

On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I

Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

 

 

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was

Confining wild animals against their will. They

Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and

It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in

A confined space."

 

 

 

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study

On your proposed flood."

 

 

 

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the

Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm

Supposed to hire for my building crew."

 

 

 

"Immigration are checking the

Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

 

 

 

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They

Insist I have to hire only Union workers with

Ark-building experience."

 

 

 

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally

With endangered species."

 

 

 

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10

Years for me to finish this Ark."

 

 

 

 

 

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,

And a rainbow stretched across the sky."

 

 

 

 

 

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

 

"No," said the Lord.

" The Government beat me to it."

[AndrewC]

Starbucks announces the Bin Latte. Its dark bodied, foamy head, and 2 shots.