The Forum Jokes Thread

[DonB]

Late Phone Call To The Vet

 

 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbours male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

 

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"well it just did for me," he replied

[bluebottle]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."......

 

......Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

 

I know this joke hasn't been posted on this thread before, but it has appeared on RMweb before. You could always check these things by typing the punchline into the "search forums" box. I just did...

Or would RMwebbers rather jokes were recollected where they would be easier to find - perhaps with an acknowledgment of the OP?

[Diesel Dayz]

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of Swan Vestas.

 

His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

[Mike J]

Did you hear about the bloke who while half asleep in bed reached out and swigged from a bottle of Tippex instead of his liquid Viagra?

 

He woke up with a huge correction!

[DonB]

I was in the gym yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my

wind with the beat of the music.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my workout,

and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

...and how was your day?

[Cornish Triang Paul]

PRIVATISATION :laugh: :laugh:

[GJB 60009]

Paddy & Murphy have been out on the town for a few beers. When its time to go home, they decide to get a taxi............... but realise neither of them has enough money!!

After a few minutes, Paddy has a brainwave as they walk past the bus depot.

He says to Murphy, "The only way we'll get home is to steal a bus! You go and take one & I'll keep watch."

So off Murphy goes, into the depot.............

After half an hour, Paddy's getting really nervous, & he's about to leg it............ when Murphy turns up on foot!!

"Where the hell have you been?" asks Paddy.

"I couldnt find a number 27", says Murphy.

"You eejet", says Paddy, "Why the hell didnt you nick a number 14, & we could have walked from the other end of our street!!"

[70022Tornado]

What is the defenition of utter confusion ?

 

Fathers day on the Gurnos

 

For the benefit of the non Welsh the gurnos is an area of social housing in Merthyr of no good reput.

[multiprinter]

What is the defenition of utter confusion ?

 

Fathers day on the Gurnos

 

For the benefit of the non Welsh the gurnos is an area of social housing in Merthyr of no good reput.

 

Some years ago when a new prison was required in South Wales it was suggested that fencing in the Gurnos estate would be the easiest option.

[Mike J]

An 80 year old man walks into a jewellers with a gorgeous 25 year old blonde on his arm.

 

"I need a special ring for the lady" he says to the assistant.

 

"How bout this diamond ring for £5000 sir?" replies the assistant.

 

"No, I need something really special" the old man says, winking at his young companion.

 

"Ok sir, this is the most expensive ring in the shop, platinum and diamond, at £65,000" says the assistant, rubbing his palms in anticipation.

 

"I'll take it, can I pay by cheque and collect on Monday after it has cleared? the old man beams as his gorgeous young lady squeals with delight.

 

 

 

On Monday the jeweller phones the old man with the news that the cheque has bounced as there is no money in the account.

 

"I know" says the old man, "But can you imagine the unbelievable weekend I've just had!"

[jbqfc]

...best advice I've had for a long while; this came from America...

 

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have $49.00 left.

 

However, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of wine one year ago, drunk all the wine, then turned in the bottles for the recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

 

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

 

 

[Horsetan]

I once put a bet on a racehorse named "Premature Ejac.lation".

 

It came first.

[Welly]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

 

The father asked, 'Why did you say, good-bye Grandpa?'

 

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

 

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

 

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

 

The next day grandmar died.

 

"My God!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

 

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

 

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my tennis trainer dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[shortliner]

Quick Thinking

 

When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced man, but she was totally naïve. On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria said, "Pedro! What is that?" Pedro was a quick thinker. "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And then he proudly showed her what it was for. Maria was happy. After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work, only to return home to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch. "Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!" Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one." A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home the next day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch. "Maria? Now what's wrong?" "Dammit, Pedro. You gave the best one to Gonzalez!"

[Allegheny1600]

^^^Ha, ha, ha!^^^

Nice one, Jack! That reminds me of this one;

 

It was Juanita's wedding night after all the ceremonies and the newlyweds retired back to Juanitas mothers house.

Juanita watched as her new husband, Miguel started to get undressed. On seeing him take off his shirt, she ran back downstairs.

"Mamma, mamma" she cried - "He's gotta hairy chest"!

"Don't worry, daughter" mamma said, "Go back upstairs to your husband"!

By now, Miguel had removed his trousers and once more Juanita ran downstairs.

"Mamma, mamma" she cried - "He's gotta hairy legs"!

"Don't worry, daughter" mamma said, "Go back upstairs to your husband"!

Now Miguel had removed his socks, revealing that he had a club foot! Down again goes Juanita.

"Mamma, mamma" she cried - "He's gotta foot and a half"!

Mamma says "You wait here - I'll see to him"!

 

(hope thats not too risque!)

Cheers,

John E.

[Calnefoxile]

I'm thinking of changing my Phone Voicemail message, do you think this would be ok

 

"I'm unavaialable to answer my phone at the moment, so please leave a message and the News of the World will get back to you"

 

Regards

 

Neal.

[trainsandco]

An apple a day will keep ANYONE away, if thrown hard enough.

 

My fish is good at playing dead. He must be going for a world record.

 

Unicorn. A single corn.

 

Time flies when you're having rum.

 

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

 

The shin bone is a device for finding low furniture in a dark room.

 

Canadian know their Eh. B. C's

 

Pinatas. Victims of Child Abuse.

 

Chemists do it on the table. Periodically.

 

I got 99 Donuts cause a bitch ate 1.

 

Dyslexics are teople poo.

 

If it weren't for Law Enforcement and Physics. I would be UNSTOPPABLE!!

 

Hip Hop Anonymous. Is a secretive, dancing mamal.

 

Solid. Liquid. Gas. They all Matter.

 

Without Geometry, Life is pointless.

 

If you cant be a good example, be a warning.

 

Real life would be more fun if we rode Dinosaurs.

 

I'm confused, oh wait, maybe I'm not.

 

I used to be indecive, but now im not sure.

 

Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

 

I have not yet begun to Procrastinate.

 

I am disappointment in you're grammar.

 

Sarcasm is the best. thing. ever.

 

Hold your Horses, even horses need to be held sometimes.

 

Rules of Grammar. #33 Double Negatives are a No-No.

 

Elephants never forget. and they never forgive.

 

If life gives you Lemons, keep them. Because, hey! Free Lemons!

 

If life gives you ######, you may be dyslexic

 

Its okay Pluto. I'm not a Planet either.

 

Pterodactyls are Pterrific.

 

May the (Mass times Acceleration) be with you

 

Hedgehogs, Why dont they just Share the Hedge?

 

Fat penguins are trying to break the ice.

 

Spelling is diffioult...erm....chalanging....erm.............hard.

[trainsandco]

If life gives you ######, you may be dyslexic

 

 

 

 

M E L O N S

[Mike J]

Seven dwarfs in the bath all feeling happy......Happy gets out so they all feel grumpy instead.

[shortliner]

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

 

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

 

 

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ...." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

 

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

 

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

[Sidecar Racer]

Meet My Mistress...

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

 

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

 

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

 

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

 

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

 

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

 

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

 

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[70022Tornado]

News International's Idea of ethical journalismi is reprting what goes on in a county east of london.

 

70022

[BoD]

My neighbour lost his dog so he put an advert in the paper saying 'here boy'

[jcm@gwr]

Don't forget, there are three kinds of people in this world,

 

Those that can count,

 

And those that can't!

[1722]

I was going to put a joke about a chemical on here.

 

But I didn't think I'd get a reaction.